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Unloved, undetermined -- Kavi - Insignificance - 12-22-2017
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Kavi
The name is a white-hot whisper in my blood. Like virulence coating every thought, every memory into bittersweet melancholy. Euphoria from moments spent together and swirls of sorrow for those spent apart.
From the very first time I had the smell of the sylvan forest of the Chamber upon my body, and my eyes crashed over the never ending horizon splotched with every color the imagination could provide a hue to it had been my Home – there was no denying that.
He had been my first just as I had been his.
Even in my wandering days as I tried to forget the names and faces of my companions and friends I could not. It was an injustice to forget about them, even if every memory cut through my heart like a blade through paper. There had been no waves to fill in the footprints upon my heart and mind; there had never been anyone else.
The time that has passed is close to an eternity, and then some. The world has changed and changed again, spun around itself and collapsed into despair, joy and finally repetition. Things are starting to get old. My memories are starting to look like starved ghosts.
And once again I have let those ghosts haunt me. Slowly, I will my aching joints into movement – it is time to get back, lest Kagerus worry about what has become of me. But there is something upon the wind tonight that begs me to linger, just a moment longer. I hear him before I can smell him, and for a fleeting moment my first thought is to flee in the other direction. But that scent, stored away in the darkest recesses of my mind – never forgotten – renders me motionless. My nostrils flare – and I begin to fear that age has led my senses to betray me. But the scent, accompanied by the light thud, thud of hooves, grows stronger – and there is no denying it.
”Kavi…. I whisper in surprise as the lone figure stalks closer.
He has grown old – brittle-boned and underfed – just like I have. But in my eyes, filling with tears at the sight of him, he is still the same handsome stallion that had whisked me away in the dead of night so many years ago. Eagerly, or as eagerly as my tired legs allow me, I close the distance between us.
I bury my tattered nose in his greyed hair – and I sob uncontrollably. I am a child-mare again, tethered to his words, for without them I don´t know if I would be able to keep standing. ”Hello” the word echo in my hollow mind. He wanted to be here with me, looking at me with all the tenderness that no-one should ever look at me with again.
”Hello” I echo, as my sobs subside. ”Hello” and it is laughter – wild and uncontrollable that now bubbles from my chest. I take a step back, unwilling to leave his side – and I stare wide-eyed in wonder at the image that forms on his skin.
”You didn´t forget” I whisper, but the tears streaming down my cheek this time are of joy.
Unbridled, untamed, boundless joy. It overtakes every fiber of my being, and transforms my weathered body and withered soul into that which he once knew. I throw myself into his warm embrace (and oh, my heart whispers it is where I belong.) – and there is a spring in my step and a sparkle to my eye that is unbefitting of my age but I do not care.
If only just for tonight – we can turn back time.
Awww <3 I love old people-love
RE: Unloved, undetermined -- Kavi - Kavi - 12-27-2017
Every doubt, every insecurity and heartbreak is lost when I cling to his side, always my Kavi, and I try to remember that this isn´t a dream. My skin quivers as though a separate entity from the flesh it is bound to, flawed and etched with scars. It is a landscape, an escape, an endscape, that could mean anything, but perhaps it is just that; the end.
He is my rock in the tumultuous sea that is Life, and I cling to him like a drowning man clings to his last breath. His eyes like the ocean at midnight when the moon cast it´s morose reflection over the trembling recoil of waves. To me; they glittered like a bed of sapphires and diamonds, enchantingly so. His skin as golden as the great beaches I travelled during my years as a vagabond. My own hair, besilvered by night fell in supple curls messily arranged over his narrow, haggard face where it interlaced with his own. It reminds me of satin, how the spidery tumbles fell across his eyes parting that Great sea of a gaze like an impulsion, hurling me out into whatever vast world lay beyond this one.
I had never been so compelled by beauty before, not like this.
There is a gossamer thread of intimacy that weaves between us, spun of all things pure and good. And I know it shouldn´t be there, but it is. And I have wandered too far, lived too long and lost too much not to yield to it.
And I shudder into the darkness, as he begs me to surrender my secrets to him.
So many. So many.
”I was afraid” I whisper into his skin, and my breath is cold, cold, cold to the warmth of him. I was afraid, I want to say, of this, of us, of heartbreak and failure and not being enough. I was a coward then; I wish to scream, too broken to accept what was there right before my eyes. But I don´t and it doesn´t matter. The past is a fickle, sullen thing. I have not loved like he has, not put any lasting footprint on this earth save for my name on his lips.
And then there is that smile; the smile that even now makes the butterflies in my chest flutter anxiously and tugs at the strings of my heart that I thought long since ruptured. And though I do not smile with my lips in return – my eyes gleam with a million unspoken truths.
His next words almost brings me to my knees. Daughter.
Ofcourse.
Ofcourse
I laugh then, and my body trembles and quivers like an erupting volcano. I laugh at my naivety, how could I not have spotted the striking similarities between father and daughter. I laugh at how life even now at the end of the road has a way of weaving the frayed edges of me together.
”Kagerus” I whisper-cough, my old lungs too frail to stand such assault.
”Because she found me”
Because she is the reason I am still here, breathing, laughing, smiling, loving
”Because she is family”
My eyes; feverish with mirth and pomegranate red from the strain of laughter beg him to understand, to delight as I do.
”She is wonderful. You should be proud.”
Perhaps once, my lovelessness was irrevocable. No matter what august light shone onto me, into me, through me. But here – in this strange land that had given me so much and taken so little (save the gaping wounds that even now mar the mud-bay of my hide.) those words don´t ring true anymore. Because here – I am loved. And I have just found myself a family.
And still, age has not given me eloquence.
RE: Unloved, undetermined -- Kavi - Kavi - 12-31-2017
At his side, I feel replenished.
Indeed that the two of us if compared to the rest were amongst the oldest souls that still persisted against the fates of time with rich bodies and fiery souls. It had taken me far too long to come to such realization that I might be more than the child of diffidence and gloom.
But even the wait has been worth it, as fond my beating heart has become of Kagerus there is not a wrinkle of regret upon it. Every step in the wrong direction, every minute spent apart from him and every mistake I have made has all been worth it in the end. I breathe in the scent of us – of him, of home. We are an irony of when we first met – old bones and greyed muzzles lovingly stroking the furs of our too thick winter coats. He brings me a second coming. In the crevasses of my soul and heart that was shrouded and beat erratically, in his absence in a place that had no dawn, no day, no night, no dusk but a grey twilight.
His touch is the kindling to my own slumbering passion, and it flares up like a wildfire – wild and unpredictably strong.
The both of us caught in this pool that resembles young love. I was never one of sentimentality but he has rendered me undone and rebirthed is a hopeless romantic thinking that our sort of love (such a simple word, so much power in it.) is for the blessed ones. I press closer into his hold, pressing one of my ears against his downy skin, listening to his pulse as it echoes down into my own core – and I can almost feel my flame flicker impatiently.
My drab head bows and drifts along his neck as he presses tender kisses on my trembling body – and my voice is filigreed with an amorous sensation concealed only by the drumming of heartbeats. ”It hasn´t been the same without you”
I brim with emotion – greedily clinging to his side. Later, I know, (and the greater part of me, the reasonable part, revels in that) I will share him with my sweet Kagerus. But tonight is ours – and the part of me that hisses and cracks underneath my skin at his every touch is eternally grateful for this night spent together under the stars. A secret tryst that was long overdue. So this is what it was like to fall in love. In our lost past – I may not have been so quick or this open to confess, but I won´t take anymore chances. Not with him, not this time. So I whisper back to him, lips pursing against the side of his muzzle, ”I love you, Kavi”
I press closer to him during our exploration – the surroundings seemed to shift as I close my eyes as he finds my sacred spots. He fits into me so nicely – a perfectly matched puzzle piece that brings the picture into a whole. And I am all the more grateful to be back in this land, amongst these people that I know so little of, only because it has brought my beloved back.
”I wish we could stay like this forever.” I challenge time, there is only him. As always he has an arcane quality over me, making every scar, every aching part of mine vanish. We are explorers re-tracing every contour upon our bodies, caught within our own rapture as if we wanted to make every inch of the other our own. I feel compelled to bite my own tongue (gently lapping the nape of his neck) just to make sure this is no illusion, but with my cheek against his woolly shoulder I drag my head instead down the side of his shoulder until my nose is filled with his scent and his scent alone.
I am a silly, giddy thing – brushing my face – lightened by our reunion – down his foreleg. Playfully, I nip a patch of skin on his knee and look up to meet his warm expression as his laughter not only fill my ears but also my stormy heart.
RE: Unloved, undetermined -- Kavi - Kavi - 01-12-2018