Insignificance. - Printable Version

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Insignificance. - Kagerus - 01-05-2018

Out with the golden we sew, and the lower past that crawls.
Now, to the doorway you run, to the girl that's not lost.
It all happened in a rush; I'm not exactly sure how.

We had taken a day apart, to wander as individuals. Something changed in my companion since then, I can feel it, I can see it - at first just in her eyes, but now, in the widening of her barrel, and in the days she often chooses to travel without me. I am happy for her - so, so happy - and yet I have questions. Ever since we met at the river, since she stumbled at the sound of my father's name - I've had questions.

Perhaps today, I'll get some answers.

She is accompanying me today, following my path as we often take turns doing. There is a purpose in my step and direction, a sort of confidence and excitement that I'm sure she can feel herself. Every so often, I reach over to brush my nose against her neck, cheek, shoulder. Sometimes, without thinking, I drop my pace just slightly, and rest my cheek against her swelling belly. We haven't discussed it yet - but my maternal instincts lead me to caress her more often than perhaps I normally would.

(If only I knew why the instinct was so strong - if only I knew that, should I have my own child, I will die).

We are nearing the kingdom, and it has been minutes since the last time I touched her - I have become distracted by the changing scenery, excited by exactly what today holds in store for us. Before we truly come upon the border, I pause and turn to her, a wide smile blossoming on my usually somber lips.

"I think I found us a home, Sig," I breathe, watching anxiously for her reaction. My companion has never shown any sign of anger towards me, but still, I do not want to be taken as presumptuous or demanding. "It's a refuge, of sorts. Anyone is welcome. I've met some of the people here - it's quiet." My eyes glance at her swollen belly, knowing that in a few months time, the old woman will need a home to raise the child in. Something consistent. My mother's heart yearns to provide.

"Do you think you'll join me?" I try another smile, but it's sheepish this time, accompanied by a light blush. "And maybe the man you've been sneaking off to see?"

Little. Did. I. Know.
sweet nothing


RE: Insignificance. - Insignificance - 01-08-2018

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I have followed in her footsteps, just as I am meant to do. Just as she, even though she doesn´t know it yet, should have followed in mine all those years ago. I can feel the quiet tremble in her core the purpose in her tense muscles, as my greying muzzle is planted firmly on her back as we walk. But where it before was a sign of uncertainty, it is now an act of reassurance. I am here, and I won´t leave her until the day I stop breathing. I am not worried about leaving Kavi behind – his nostrils will surely pick up our scent, and with it – he will come to claim his place in our motley little family. My steps are light – and there is the hint of an infatuated smile on my lips. Frivolous old thing, I have become.

I know she has questions, and an almost smug smile winds its way to my lips at the thought of the surprise I have for her. Of course – she has noted the change in my demeanor. The absence of diffidence in my eye, the bubble of laughter just below the surface of my words.  I have not yet had the time to explain; perhaps part of me fears her reaction. Fear that I have taken what is not mine to take.

I look around as she stops; much as any other creature does. The eyes cannot help themselves, though not seeking out any particular object that is of high interest but more as the action of glancing to both sides of a road before crossing. My head is too full of things; questions and answers and a thousand other things I wish to share with her. Thoughts of him. The place is beautiful, undeniably so, and I am sure it will be the perfect spot for us to settle down in. I playfully nudge her withers as she smiles shyly, an act so uncharacteristic for the Insignificance she has come to know. I have noticed the glances she casts at my swelling barrel and the one result of my nights with Kavi that truly terrifies me.

I shift on feeling the shy breeze of Hyaline, an attempt to shake my focus off the nausea that threatens to overcome me. ”It is beautiful Kagerus” I breathe, and every word is true. ”But you know I would be happy to live anywhere, as long as we are together”

Time has always had a way of getting away from me, as if written by a steady hand that knew the ending and was not quite yet ready to reveal it. Time passes, and I grow more comfortable in this place – time passes, much like the flow of clouds in the sky, and I stare into the whorls of white and blue and passing birds as if I could delve answers from above the stratosphere.

I have never really known peace, in the sense of the word that implies some kind of partisanship and allegiance against other partisanships and other allegiances, and that concept is still alien to me. I have only known my family, and the untold paths I wandered in solitude, and not much further than here, and this newness of loyalties to those outside a family in the strictest sense is one I am not quite used to. And even counting family, my loyalties never really laid with them either - I guess just being here proves that.

It is a strange sensation – that I only now in my old age has found the family I always sought. Something worth fighting for. I look at her, then, and know it as truth as surely as the world keeps turning. And when Kagerus’ words of secret lovers reach my ears I cannot help but laugh - and it is liberating, a wild thing that starts at the pit of my stomach and works its way up to pour from my lips like an overflowing river at spring. And something changes, I can feel my muscles ease, my tongue let loose. ”Oh, him”

I laugh innocently - hushed, my voice a breathy composition of affection, mirth and a touch of reverence; ”He most certainly will love it here. As long as we are here together with him”  I continue teasingly - still trying to compose myself from the sudden outburst of laughter. 

”Would you like to meet him? I am quite certain you will love each other”


RE: Insignificance. - Kagerus - 01-13-2018

Out with the golden we sew, and the lower past that crawls.
Now, to the doorway you run, to the girl that's not lost.
In truth, I don't have the slightest clue as to where I would be if I hadn't run into this mare that day on the river. Whatever force of the universe called me from my thicket was a truly good one, one to which I owe never ending gratitude - for she and I both have grown leagues since that day. We no longer stumble over our words, and our eyes meet like the wind meets the leaves: naturally. She is the reason I am at all - and something tells me that I am the reason she is, too.

I've grown fond of my Sig. Enormously so.

She nudges me playfully and I grin, awkward in the presence of her newfound happiness, but reveling in it passionately at the same time. So much has happened in such a short time - my eyes go again to her widening middle - that it's good, it truly is good, just sometimes I can't handle it with the grace that most adults can.

I shuffle my feet in a sort of girlish dance at her approval of the land, and at her next remark - that it is I she calls home - I bounce towards her and tussle her mane, affection radiating from my every pore. "Oh hush, you big sap." I look around us again, eyes wide in wonder, squished warmly into her side. "It's perfect here and that has nothing to do with me." And it is - the mountains are picturesque, the wisteria breathtaking, and the lake that I've found on my previous journeys here - well, suffice to say, I cannot wait to share it with my companion.

Family, for me, was an important part of growing up (despite the fact that I only truly had my father) - I never knew my namesake, grandmother Kagerou, but I heard enough of her to give me countless tales to spin for any who might listen. I met my uncle Rodrik and cousin Straia, and although they had far different outlooks on life than my father and I, I loved them fiercely. Most of all, though, I long for my father. Sig has been the antidote to my disease, but symptoms of the sickness plague me still. I miss him terribly.

Her laugh is startlingly beautiful, one that inspires a sort of jubilance in all who hear it. I cock a brow at her playfully, but it dissolves instantly and figures itself into my own unique expression of mirth, my abashedness lost in the face of how well she received my jibe. I nip at her mane and tug slightly at her "oh, him;" what a silly, flippant woman she is. I grin widely at her, impatient for her to tell me more about her prince charming.

Another quizzical expression crosses my face at her teasing, toying words, though a smile wiggles its way into the picture with ease. "What on earth are you getting on about, you little minx?" Who do I know that would love to be with me, of all people? Shy, worthless, normal little me? I roll my eyes playfully.

"You're full of it, Sig. And obviously I want to meet him - that's the whole point of this!" I toss my head widely in the direction of the kingdom in front of us, eager to explore its every curve and crevice. Then, I look squarely at her stomach, before lifting my gaze back to her face and smirking broadly. "Babies need homes, you know." I step closer to her and nuzzle her belly affectionately, my heart race hiking up happily - I want to meet this baby so so bad, probably even worse than she does - or at least, that's how it feels.

"It's me, baby," I sing-song to her tummy, "Aunt Rou!"

As I stand, making games with the unborn life growing neatly within my companion, a figure comes into sight not far off- but I don't notice him, too distracted with my games.

A happy, happy day this shall turn out to be.
sweet nothing

So I'll introduce Kavi in my next post, but you can powerplay him in yours!! Call him over and he'll come over, he'll probably embrace Kag first and then kiss Niffers - whatever you're comfortable with is fine with me!! <3 <3

RE: Insignificance. - Insignificance - 01-13-2018

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Attempting to maintain some measly smidgen of dignity, I lightly nip at Kagerus, grasping for her neck and mane as I continue my slipshod attempt to reassert myself, to no avail.
The laughter that has taken hold of me refuses to let go, and I tremble from the convulsions. The way she watches me, lovingly, teasingly; as if I have finally surrendered to madness and foolishness unbecoming for someone in my current position. Unbeknownst to her, however, that´s exactly what has sparked my almost hysterical laughter. Her teasing words nearly provokes another fit of uncontrolled laughter, but I struggle to remain unflinching – and instead I press an unkempt nose to her cheek in a fond gesture. My whiskers bend and tickle at the touch, and I smile.

”Don´t you know? I am Beqanna´s biggest flirt.”

I shake bark-brown hair from my eyes, an utterly ridiculous gesture only to demonstrate how ludicrous my statement is and look at her with earnest, childlike intensity. Hyaline is already treating us well, rocks and trees and grasses singing sweetly-softly – and I am already agreeing with Kagerus that it will be the perfect place to start a family. I toss my head at her and roll my eyes as she turns to coo nonsense at my swollen barrel. Aunt Rou, if only she know the truth to those words. I can feel something stirring inside of me, and already have I begun to love the thing that grows there. A tiny morsel of hope and love and all things good in this world. I do not doubt a second that she will love the baby as much as I will. I have no experience of raising a child, or of children at all for that matter. No siblings have I, for the preservation of my sire´s pride and my dam´s sanity perhaps. But my child will not share my own tragic childhood.

I am interrupted in my musings by the sound of hoofbeats, hoofbeats I would recognize anywhere in this world for their owners heart beats in rhythm with mine. Kavi and Insignificance – poetry has never dogged our footsteps, ours is a far more quiet love. Unfit for great tales but our own soft story of hopeless beginnings and syrup-sweet endings.

I generously step aside as he nears, I won´t begrudge the sweet reunion between father and daughter, even though my heart sings for him and my flesh craves his touch. I watch them – and my heart brims with an adoration I never thought myself capable of, and if there is a tear of joy falling down my cheek – I do not notice, too caught up am I in the scene that unfolds before me. And it is not until they after long last break free from their embrace that I take a step forth to claim my place beside them both.

”Kavi” I say, and ”Insignificance” came the response. We have been claimed, each by the other. It is true – we are real, to ourselves and now….

Now we are all real, real again the three of us, to each other.

I smile, a crooked thing that pulls itself in two directions, an expression of such quiet joy that I feel burned on the inside of it. I say nothing – I only step forward, one hoof careful-cautious in front of the other as though the ground might break open and I might go toppling inside, and embrace my lover.


RE: Insignificance. - Kagerus - 01-18-2018

Out with the golden we sew, and the lower past that crawls.
Now, to the doorway you run, to the girl that's not lost.
My own laughter cascades around us at her whiskery touch and the phrase that comes along with it, my eyes crinkling gleefully. The image! This mare, of mousy character and blank eyes - how intensely and beautifully she has changed. I inhale to speak, but at the frisky shake of her forelock the words escape me and wordless cackles take over, my body convulsing as I stagger back and forwards before finally resting my lips, pursed, against her tummy. "You hear that, baby? Your mommy is a flirt!" I giggle some more, bantering with the child and falling in love with it, truly and dearly. Although Insignificance is not my blood relation, her child I will hold close to my heart - I am a nurturer, much as my father was before me.


The image of them, together, laughing and safe in a new home - it is one that will paint my hide until time immeasurable. From the shade of the tree overhead, I watch them, my old, frail heart nearly bursting with need to see my daughter again. Since before the reckoning, we have been lost to each other - and within myself, I had lost all will to live. Seeing her now, with the woman I love and the child she bears, I know it was worth it to push through that hour of darkness - for now there dawns an eternity of light.

At long last, as Kagerus begins cooing nonsense to my unborn child, I cannot remain hidden any longer. My muscles surge with the energy of a stallion in his prime, and I lope the rest of the distance, my besilvered mane and tail streaming out proudly behind me. Standing still, I am sometimes a sight for sore eyes - but with the air whistling across my frame, one can perhaps glimpse the past self I once was.

My amber eyes, already brimming over with happiness, meet Insignificance's as I pull up next to them. Knowing well beyond thought that she understands my immense emotions in this moment, I turn without hesitation and throw myself at Kagerus, latching on to her with the ferocity that only love provides. I feel her shaking in my embrace, sobbing in the same tone as she had just been laughing, her legs pushing me over in her attempt to fit even closer to me than I already hold her.

"Hey, baby girl," I murmur into her mane, my own tears spilling. "I missed you."


"Daddy," I cry, delirious and non-believing. A thousand questions race through my mind, but each one can be temporarily answered by the feeling that swells and breaks in the form of sobs in my chest. Giddiness and hysterical happiness overwhelm me for longer than I can keep track of, but I don't care. "You're okay," I cry, and clutch him all the closer to me.

Eventually, as my sobs turn into snuffles and hiccups, I release him from my strangling grasp and step back - at the same moment, Insignificance steps forward. A glimmering tear marks her cheek, and an expression so serene decorates her face that my breath is once again stolen. I watch as she speaks his name, and as he speaks hers, and as he - my father - presses his mouth fondly to the base of her jaw, and then again to the width of her stomach.

"Wha.." I am stupefied and rendered dumb, the initial surge of emotion at seeing my father quickly transforming into one of disbelief, confusion, and mental cacophony. They embrace sweetly, fitting together as only lovers can, the perfect combination. My mouth drops lower. Not a part of me moves as I watch, astounded - not my ears, my tail, not even my lungs.

"Does this mean..."


I grin at my dumbfounded daughter, still standing intimately close to Insignificance after our loving embrace. My heart shines at the happiness of the moment, at the lover by my side and the daughter before me. I have never felt so complete - so whole - so at one with my own existence. I nuzzle Nif once again, lipping gently at the underside of her beautiful face. My darling.

"Yes," I answer, grinning ever wider, a lopsided expression that is uncannily similar to Nif's. I throw a playful, overjoyed look to the woman at my side, and then send one of more endearment to my daughter - this is news for her. Nif and I - we've had time to settle into it (and well we ought to, with the child coming so close to birth). There's a tightness in my chest, a kind of dying to know exactly how Kagerus will respond to the news of a new sibling, right after the shock of learning I was alive at all - never mind procreating.



"I'm going to be a sister?"
The words are hushed, filled with wonder and awe, and I tremble despite the warmth of the day. My eyes mist up again, and the smile on my lips is quaking. "A-and, Sig, you're - you're - daddy's - it's both of yours?" My tears spill over at their nods of affirmation.

Without thinking, I launch myself at the pair of them and nestle between them like a filly, throwing my neck over Sig's and squeezing, then switching to Kavi. They clutch me close, and our tears mix sweetly, a unit already more cohesive than any other in Beqanna - these people are my family, and we are growing, and for now, everything truly is going to be okay.

Snuffling loudly, I break from the emotional embrace and fix a puffy, wet eye on Sig. My lips are still quaking, but my playful grin is undeniable.

"You really are a minx, you know. I don't know how you kept it a secret so long -" I touch my nose to hers, our whiskers tangling intimately. "But I'm glad you did."

"I love you guys so much."

sweet nothing

Also, sorry for the novel :/ kavi on his own is a mouthful... Mix him with Kag and Nif, well, things got out of hand.

RE: Insignificance. - Insignificance - 01-20-2018

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My father once told me I was like the wildflower; overlooked and trampled by most. A thing that would bend and bend and bend but never break. Whose will to live its only characteristic. The wildflower can grow anywhere, in spite of weather and the lack of nurture - it can survive even the crudity of the wintry slopes of my birth-home. I think he meant it as a compliment, a silly allegory that even the most insignificant things in this world has their own, unique, abilities.

I still cannot understand; how I – the scrub-brush mutt with thick legs and knotty knees and a voice that reminds you of cactuses could end up here, with them. They, my family of perfect imperfections and so much love it almost rips my battered old heart apart. We stand like that for a long time, a tangle of manes and limbs and necks and I tell Kagerus our story – how we met when we were younger and how I never knew she was his daughter until very recently. I tell her our story and I let Kavi fill in the pieces where my memories fail me.

I laugh with them, the tears of sweet, honeyed joy never drying on my cheek and lovingly I place kisses to the picture of us on my lovers hide. There is only one thing however, that is missing in that picture. And apparently; I realize with a pang of fear – that something has also chosen today to make his appearance into the world.

Our son.

The first contractions are mere ripples of unease coursing through my body, and I turn a terrified eye to Kavi. ”I think… I” and that is all I manage before another; stronger one comes and brings me to my knees. I am suddenly overcome by fear – what have we done? I am too old, too frail and brittle to survive this. There is the pain, wild and relentless, stretching its claws inside of me and purring softly against my ear, foolish old woman – what have you done to yourself. I look up at them with pleading eyes – as if begging them to help me. I am lost – to the pain, to my uncertainty and fear of this new sensation. But nature knows what she is doing, and before I can succumb to my own panic – my body has taken over, fulfilling the same job countless mothers before me had already accomplished.

And before long; the small being that will link us all together lays on the ground between us. A tiny splotch of gold, with impossibly long limbs and a fuzzy plume of a tail. I stay on the ground; panting from the effort and tired beyond worlds – not sure if my legs will hold me yet – but I press my warm nose to the back of his neck in a motherly gesture that surprises even myself. ”I´ve got this” I said in laughing surprise as I stare back up at Kavi and Kagerus.

My son however, does not emit a single sound. With his back towards us – the rise and fall of his miniscule chest the only sign that he is alive. My heart fills with unspeakable joy as I carefully clean his golden pelt, inhaling his sweet baby scent, forever storing it in the back of my mind. ”We love you, little one” I croon into his ear. Soon; I stagger to my feet in a labored gesture. ”I think I have to sleep for a decade” I tell them as I heave myself up. I need to get my son to eat – and I need to look into those eyes, I want him to know my face. Carefully I lean myself against Kavi, grateful for his warmth and strength. He truly is my rock. And so I turn to look at the face of my son for the first time;  

And it is only then – when those too dark eyes; swirling with unnatural shadows and fissured grey like falling meet mine – that I understand.

Understand that something is terribly, terribly wrong


Sorry about this haha, I don´t really know what that was. Also yes - and now Khaedrik just had to come ruin all the lovey-dovey cuteness.