She has been terribly restless lately. The curling mists of the redwood forest she has called home for so many years brings more of a hollow ache than a sense of contentment these days. Their children are there (the four that remain), and it is what brings her back at the end of each day. But the trees that had once been so full of promise are now teaming with ghosts.
It might have been different, if Nashua were there to chase away the ghosts. But duty calls him from her side more often than not, and every time he goes, it feels as though a part of her goes with him.
Sometimes she wonders if perhaps it would have been different, had she only admitted how much he meant to her sooner. It’s a foolish dream, of course. Nashua would never have abandoned his duty for her, but she has always been a little bit foolish. So she drifts, becoming a little more unmoored with each day that passes. She thinks that Bolder’s departure to Hyaline had been the thing that loosened the knots, but she knows that is not what has set her adrift.
Their children are old enough now that they do not truly need her anymore. As she stares out at the crashing surf, something aches inside her chest. It has been days since she had last seen him. Nashua. The only other thing that anchors her to this place. She wishes she could be bitter that his duty to the kingdom takes him farther and farther away from her when she only wants to hold him closer. But the bitterness won’t come.
Instead there is only that yawning ache. The desire for something she can’t truly have. For something she would never ask of him.
She knows he is there before her dark gaze turns to find him. His green eyes are so familiar, and the moment they meet hers, the knot inside her chest loosens and swells. As she stares at him, she can almost pretend that everything is as it should be. That he wouldn’t leave her again in only a matter of hours (or perhaps even less). That their lives together are not lived in only these stolen snippets of time they are allowed.
But his question brings reality crashing back down around her.
She doesn’t answer right away. Instead she erases the distance between them and presses herself against him. Burying her face into the crook of his wing, she inhales his familiar scent. It’s a scant loop in the tether, but perhaps it would keep her from drifting farther for at least another day. Finally, with her pale head still pressed against him, she murmurs, “Yes.” She pauses, wishing for a moment they could stay like this forever. “I asked my mother to keep an eye on him too.”
- noel
@Nashua
He meets her in the middle, and for a moment it is so easy to pretend that everything is okay. That they have all the time in the world to simply exist in one another’s presence. That they are not facing fear and worry and grief in the dangerous, tumultuous world in which they live. But reality is always so eager to intrude. So, though Noel tries, she is inevitably forced to return to the present.
Did he seem alright? he asks, and Noel nods against his shoulder. He can’t see her, pressed as she is against him, but for a moment, she forgets. When she recalls however, the soft affirmation slips from her lips. “Yes.” She sucks in a breath, taking in his familiarity and holding it in her lungs as long as she can. “They don’t appear to be harming him.”
She pulls back slightly. As much as she wants nothing more than to stay curled against him forever, she knows that she cannot. She knows that the world would never be that kind. Lifting her head, she finds his gaze, dark eyes expressive. She does not try to shield herself from him. Does not try to hide the worry she feels. Does not try to hide the fear.
Not fear for her son. He is as well as she could ensure, and she knows she cannot protect him forever. No, it is for him she worries and fears. Even if he does not like to express it, she knows the strain he is under. Knows the weight he carries. And she fears she will not be enough.
He asks after her, and she cannot respond immediately. She does not want to place her burdens onto his already overburdened shoulders. Instead, she brushes her lips over the corner of his mouth. “I’m okay now that you are here.”
“How was Loess?” she continues quickly, unwilling to give him the opportunity to pry further. The weight she carries is so slight in comparison to his, it would be unfair to give it to him. But perhaps she could take some of his. She is no politician, nor is she a warrior, but she can be here to support him. And perhaps, that would be enough to keep him from slipping farther away.
- noel
@Nashua
He tries so hard to keep his burdens from her. His way of protecting her, she knows, and for a moment, she wishes he would not. She does not press him however. Perhaps, in his own time, he would learn how to share it with her. Perhaps he would not.
Either way, she would hold him as close as he would allow.
His touch eases the jagged edges of worry carving through her heart. She leans into him, clinging to the moments they would have together. If her touch is electric, his is a storm that batters against her skin. Alive yet somehow comforting. She would bask in it for eternity if she could.
But they do not have eternity.
His words whisper against her, causing her heart to squeeze painfully inside her chest. They loosen the ache she has been trying so hard to keep contained. Breathing out a gentle sigh, Noel moves closer, dark eyes closing against reality. There is a note of desperation in her voice when she replies, “I wish that too.”
It cannot be of course, no matter how much she wants it. So she eases back, eyes opening as he tells her of his visit to the south, his voice soft in the slim space between them. She could listen to him speak forever, even if it is of things that inevitably drag him away from her. When he is done, she considers him quietly for a moment before murmuring, “It seems like a… large undertaking.”
She does not say - cannot say - the obvious: that it must mean he would be away from her even more often because of it. Noel would never burden him with the selfish weight of her own foolish wants.
Then he asks about Reave, the strange Guardian of Nerine. She hadn’t been quite sure what to make of him when she had gone to him for help. He had seemed willing enough to give it, but his smiles had been too quick, his curiosity too cryptic. She shakes her head briefly, eyes dropping to the ground before rising to meet Nashua’s. “He seemed willing to help.” She pauses thoughtfully before adding. “He only asked for a favor should he ever need one. He was… pleasant enough, I suppose.”
- noel
@Nashua