dear wilderness be at your best; caius

[Caius]

when is a monster not a monster? oh, when you love it Vanquish had been what was left, when mother left, blood dripping from her legs and a maniac’s grin tattooed across her face. He had been his teacher, guide, a solid black force who had promised to always be there. But the stability crumbled beneath him, and Caius was a fool to believe such promises. He’d been raised on such things, twisted wrongdoings his secret heart still wants for when he lies awake. (“I love you,” mother whispers, tearing flesh from his withers as she grooms him, lips painted an obscene red, “I love you so much.”) Vanquish’s only misleading had been the promise of solidity, of his presence. It shouldn’t hurt, this crumbling, it shouldn’t feel like the world is falling from under him. (He should be used to unsolid ground, he’s lived his life on shifting sands, both literally and figuratively.) But it’s too much, all of it – deaths and ghosts and blood on her lips when she smiled, and he doesn’t know what to do, he’s lost. She says ‘I don’t know how to help you, I don’t think I can make this better,’ but she already helps him because she is there, she is solid and real, she’s not a ghost and there’s no blood on her lips. And she touches him, and she’s warm, it’s not the ice-feel of ghosts (even mother had been cold, her strange limbo existence a thing defying science and reason). The feel of her scars adds to the realness of her, the strange combination of soft and rough creating grounding textures. He finds himself wanting to touch more of her. She is grounding. She is real. “Else,” he says in response, softly. He closes his eyes and focuses on the feeling. His neck arches, just a little. “You’re here,” he says nonsensically – she’s only scratched the surface of his life, how it’s plagued now with ghosts, worse now that father’s joined their ranks, “you’re here, you’re real.” He says it quietly but firmly, like he’s trying to convince himself. c a i u s vanquish x chantale

(uggggh this is not what i wanted but whatever)