12-18-2020, 04:45 PM
stifled the choice and the air in my lungs;
better not to breathe than to breathe a lie
“She doesn’t cease to be your mother just because she’s dead.”
Despite all the burning, combustible, pressurized anger that threatens to explode from him at any moment, Tiercel is not prepared to hear that his mother is dead. He has not ever wondered if time would age his parents. An immature part of him figured his family would live forever, eternally pinwheeling in the sky above his head among the rosy clouds he could never touch. That was how his childhood had felt anyway; an endless competition of who could reach the ocean the fastest (and he would never win, for legs are much slower than wings) while their mother pressed her trickery so close to their skin he could crumble under the weight of her love.
He can taste her magic in his mouth now, a ghost of an emotion that is thin and metallic on his tongue. After leaving Loess, her love had left his heart quickly. Was it because Lepis’s love for him had never been real — only a replica of the tenderness she felt for her other children? Or was it because he had purged the true emotions from his insides until he was hollow, filling himself back up with all the anger and guilt that lives freely in him today? Regardless of the authenticity of Lepis’s feelings for Tiercel, she had birthed him and raised him. She had pushed through the walls of thorn to reach him.
And he had loved her.
Maybe he still does.
Tiercel’s cerulean eyes darken, the flame of anger quickly dying until it becomes blue and soft. “I… um — ” He isn’t sure how to explain his familial relationship to Oceane. Lepis and Wolfbane had been a landmark of Beqanna during his childhood — their family was a sign of political strength and the power of familial ties. He had left during the crater that Gale’s death created; he still doesn’t know about the way their father had shifted into something feral and dangerous, or the way Gale’s death had been the beginning of many changes that have only just now settled into normalcy.
Does Oceane know that he is the black sheep of the family? Tiercel wonders if his mother had told the opalescent mare about the darkest mark of her children, the boy who left too young and still hadn’t returned. His chest aches (with the constant weight of rage and guilt, with the sudden knowledge that Lepis is gone, with the discomfort of explaining the ties — or lack thereof — he has to his family).
He finally settles by saying, “I didn’t know she died.” Although Tiercel’s voice is quiet, it does not shake as he speaks. He wonders if he will notice Lepis’s absence. He is certain this death will feel different than Gale’s had. “I left my family when Gale died when we were young.” As if that might explain why she has not seen him before, why Lepis might have avoided talking about him, why he is so late to learn about his mother. His pale eyes turn from Oceane’s face to scan the red trails below, tracing the outline of the dried riverbed like it might hold the key to unlocking the emotions he so stubbornly clings to.
“Loess is where I grew up,” he admits in response to her question. “I don’t know why I’m here.” He holds on to this truth with a white-knuckled fist. “What about Wolfbane?”
Despite all the burning, combustible, pressurized anger that threatens to explode from him at any moment, Tiercel is not prepared to hear that his mother is dead. He has not ever wondered if time would age his parents. An immature part of him figured his family would live forever, eternally pinwheeling in the sky above his head among the rosy clouds he could never touch. That was how his childhood had felt anyway; an endless competition of who could reach the ocean the fastest (and he would never win, for legs are much slower than wings) while their mother pressed her trickery so close to their skin he could crumble under the weight of her love.
He can taste her magic in his mouth now, a ghost of an emotion that is thin and metallic on his tongue. After leaving Loess, her love had left his heart quickly. Was it because Lepis’s love for him had never been real — only a replica of the tenderness she felt for her other children? Or was it because he had purged the true emotions from his insides until he was hollow, filling himself back up with all the anger and guilt that lives freely in him today? Regardless of the authenticity of Lepis’s feelings for Tiercel, she had birthed him and raised him. She had pushed through the walls of thorn to reach him.
And he had loved her.
Maybe he still does.
Tiercel’s cerulean eyes darken, the flame of anger quickly dying until it becomes blue and soft. “I… um — ” He isn’t sure how to explain his familial relationship to Oceane. Lepis and Wolfbane had been a landmark of Beqanna during his childhood — their family was a sign of political strength and the power of familial ties. He had left during the crater that Gale’s death created; he still doesn’t know about the way their father had shifted into something feral and dangerous, or the way Gale’s death had been the beginning of many changes that have only just now settled into normalcy.
Does Oceane know that he is the black sheep of the family? Tiercel wonders if his mother had told the opalescent mare about the darkest mark of her children, the boy who left too young and still hadn’t returned. His chest aches (with the constant weight of rage and guilt, with the sudden knowledge that Lepis is gone, with the discomfort of explaining the ties — or lack thereof — he has to his family).
He finally settles by saying, “I didn’t know she died.” Although Tiercel’s voice is quiet, it does not shake as he speaks. He wonders if he will notice Lepis’s absence. He is certain this death will feel different than Gale’s had. “I left my family when Gale died when we were young.” As if that might explain why she has not seen him before, why Lepis might have avoided talking about him, why he is so late to learn about his mother. His pale eyes turn from Oceane’s face to scan the red trails below, tracing the outline of the dried riverbed like it might hold the key to unlocking the emotions he so stubbornly clings to.
“Loess is where I grew up,” he admits in response to her question. “I don’t know why I’m here.” He holds on to this truth with a white-knuckled fist. “What about Wolfbane?”
tiercel.
@[Oceane]