She calmed down too, both of them spent from the burst of emotions. She was all scrubbed up though, that scab on her heart all scraped off and bare and bleeding like the wound on her wing. Then she shifted in the water next to him, settling in beside him. It felt so natural to hold her in close, and he nearly did without thinking, but he held himself in place and focused on catching his breath. He could feel all of her so damn close to him, though. He could smell her, he could remember everything from before.
"I don't even know what 'us' means anymore," she said quietly after blanketing her wet wings over the both of them, leaning into his shoulder. He swallowed, counted his breaths, and she leaned closer to rest her cheek on his neck. Fuck, she made it so hard to just lay here like he didn't feel a damn thing. "Would it change things if I had it right?"
He didn't answer that one, but he couldn't just lay so still. Even this close to her, he felt too far away. Had there not been Cerva before her, she would've been his greatest obsession. She'd never have been out of his sight, never away from his side. She would've been his entirely and no one else's. Even their kids would've been competition for her attention and he likely would've barely tolerated them.
But he'd had Cerva. And his beautiful obsession was dead because of him.
"Just tell me one thing," she started again quietly. "Did you love me back then?"
"Yes," he answered in a firm murmur without hesitation. If he was even capable of the emotion, he'd felt it for her. And still did. He didn't add anything more though. He'd showed his love by breaking her time and time again, one thing after another until she finally left him on the mountain. And he finally showed her love in the right way, by staying the hell away from her and letting her have a real chance at life. At the life she wanted.
The only life he could offer anyone was a third level of hell.
He closed his eyes and let the self-hate consume him, leave him prone and useless in the water next to her. It rolled off him in thick waves to cling to him like an aura. He clenched his teeth and breathed in tiny little breaths that barely raised his chest at all, and he felt the heat of silent tears join the sea and wash away.
She had it all wrong.
He could never be enough.
we're slaves to any semblance of touch
Lord, we should quit but we love it too much
