[private] you feel so lost, adaline

[adaline]

I'm wasted, losing time; I'm a foolish, fragile spine
I want all that is not mine; I want him but we're not right

Entire earths open up beneath her, and she has no idea how to navigate any of them.

Galaxies spin in her chest and she feels it threaten to rip her apart. Oh—oh—it is too much for her to possibly ever understand. It is too much for her to understand. It is too much, too much, too much, and she finds that she cannot even begin to swallow it down. He looks at her with that handsome face that suddenly feels like hers (her heart is so selfish, so desperate, so much hungrier than her gentler sister) and she wants to claim it. She wants to sink into this moment; her fractured mind wants nothing more.

“I have never been beautiful,” she corrects him without thinking and the pain that registers on her delicate face is clear. It washes across the glass and the paper and the pink eyes that suddenly turn dark. “Usually people can’t even look at me,” she confesses and looks down at the ground, thinking back to the memories of disgust and fear as she swallows, trying to not get lost in the riptide of them.

“That’s why,” her voice catches slightly and she has to pause to gather herself, “that’s why it’s so hard to imagine someone like you—like you,” she looks up through her lashes, delicate tears on her cheeks. “It’s so difficult to imagine anyone wanting to touch me.” Other than her brother, she thinks, but even he doesn’t feel real in this moment; even he is difficult to imagine right now. Is he just a memory too?

But Jarris tells her that she has a daughter and she closes her eyes trying to remember her face.

“Was she cursed like me?” she asks, her voice small.

“Or did she look like you?”

She has to hope for the best. She has to hope that she did not bring forth such tragedy again.

in the darkness, I will meet my creators
and they will all agree that I'm a suffocator

Adaline

@[jarris]