12-17-2016, 05:48 PM
Welp. I broke him. He looks awkward as fuck, all uncomfortable and wincy, grimacing at my weepy bullshit. Can’t say I blame him, either. I’m pretty damn uncomfortable with all this emotional shit too, I just can’t quite seem to get my stupid self under control. Damn hormones. He swallows hard, and freezes up when I borrow his big dumb shoulder to wipe away my tears. I’d mutter an apology and scurry away to go dig a hole deep enough to bury myself ‘til I can get my goddamn shit together and not be a teary-eyed mess, but that’s pretty much not gonna happen ‘til the kid pops out and then...well let’s be real, a while after that, fine, whatever. Kids make me squishy.
I get a little caught up in my usual combination of mouthing off and quietly berating myself, so that slo-o-o-ow lean in, and then the touch of his face against mine, it’s kind of unexpected. And. Um. Weird? I do a little freezing up myself, because I have no goddamn idea how to react to that. Friendly comforting? Doesn’t feel like it, not exactly. Kind of brings to mind that little not-quite-kiss from...what, last year? Maybe it’s just that he’s not from here and his customs are a little different?
It’s not ‘til he pulls back and apologizes that I realize I’m a fucking idiot.
He’s looking into my eyes and promising it won’t happen again when realization hits me like a kick in the chest. Shit. Fuck. Fuck. Not again. I’m shit at interacting with women, and apparently just as goddamn terrible at men, because all I motherfucking wanted was a friend and--god is he going to leave too now? That’s how this works, right? Things get all damn complicated and feely and I’m the blind idiot all oblivious and then it’s too goddamn late to fix it and--no, but breathe, okay? This isn’t Rhory all over again. I like Kade. He’s fun, he banters back and puts up with my sass, and he wants to be my squishy little moonbeam’s uncle. It would fucking suck losing him, and I’d probably curl up next to Rhory and cry, but he doesn’t love me like Rhory did then, that’d be fucking dumb of him.
Right? Right. “Good. It...I mean, it can’t. I’m not...” Fuck, words, words are hard. “I’m with Rhory. If I did anything to...fuck, give you the wrong impression, or...I’m sorry. I can be your friend, if you still want, and I hope you do but if you can’t I will understand that, but that’s all. That’s all I can be. I would never hurt him, and I don’t...I’m not the kind of girl who...fuck.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
“Did I do something?” I ask, searching his eyes for an answer, because I can’t...I don’t exactly have a lot of friends, and I can’t really handle losing them because--because what, emotions get complicated? God, I clearly have the emotional intelligence of a goddamn turnip, because I didn’t see this coming. Even after everything with Rhory.
“Because I can stop, if I know. I like you, and it’d suck to lose you as a friend because I did something stupid. Was it the crying? No wait, that’s a dumb question, crying isn’t attractive, fuck. Uh.” My brow furrows and I try, I really do, to come up with any goddamn thing I’ve done that might have...no but really, what could he possibly find attractive here? I smart mouth him, I’m the size of a bloated whale carcass about to burst open all over the beach, I’m a scruffy, shaggy little nothing of a mare with more sass than sense and I straight up do not understand--ugh.
I shake my head, baffled and just generally miserable with the whole situation. Sorry, baby, Mommy might’ve fucked up that whole uncle thing for you, though I have no idea how. Don’t hate me, okay? I’ll...I’ll think of something. I promise. You won’t be lonely, don’t worry.
I get a little caught up in my usual combination of mouthing off and quietly berating myself, so that slo-o-o-ow lean in, and then the touch of his face against mine, it’s kind of unexpected. And. Um. Weird? I do a little freezing up myself, because I have no goddamn idea how to react to that. Friendly comforting? Doesn’t feel like it, not exactly. Kind of brings to mind that little not-quite-kiss from...what, last year? Maybe it’s just that he’s not from here and his customs are a little different?
It’s not ‘til he pulls back and apologizes that I realize I’m a fucking idiot.
He’s looking into my eyes and promising it won’t happen again when realization hits me like a kick in the chest. Shit. Fuck. Fuck. Not again. I’m shit at interacting with women, and apparently just as goddamn terrible at men, because all I motherfucking wanted was a friend and--god is he going to leave too now? That’s how this works, right? Things get all damn complicated and feely and I’m the blind idiot all oblivious and then it’s too goddamn late to fix it and--no, but breathe, okay? This isn’t Rhory all over again. I like Kade. He’s fun, he banters back and puts up with my sass, and he wants to be my squishy little moonbeam’s uncle. It would fucking suck losing him, and I’d probably curl up next to Rhory and cry, but he doesn’t love me like Rhory did then, that’d be fucking dumb of him.
Right? Right. “Good. It...I mean, it can’t. I’m not...” Fuck, words, words are hard. “I’m with Rhory. If I did anything to...fuck, give you the wrong impression, or...I’m sorry. I can be your friend, if you still want, and I hope you do but if you can’t I will understand that, but that’s all. That’s all I can be. I would never hurt him, and I don’t...I’m not the kind of girl who...fuck.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
“Did I do something?” I ask, searching his eyes for an answer, because I can’t...I don’t exactly have a lot of friends, and I can’t really handle losing them because--because what, emotions get complicated? God, I clearly have the emotional intelligence of a goddamn turnip, because I didn’t see this coming. Even after everything with Rhory.
“Because I can stop, if I know. I like you, and it’d suck to lose you as a friend because I did something stupid. Was it the crying? No wait, that’s a dumb question, crying isn’t attractive, fuck. Uh.” My brow furrows and I try, I really do, to come up with any goddamn thing I’ve done that might have...no but really, what could he possibly find attractive here? I smart mouth him, I’m the size of a bloated whale carcass about to burst open all over the beach, I’m a scruffy, shaggy little nothing of a mare with more sass than sense and I straight up do not understand--ugh.
I shake my head, baffled and just generally miserable with the whole situation. Sorry, baby, Mommy might’ve fucked up that whole uncle thing for you, though I have no idea how. Don’t hate me, okay? I’ll...I’ll think of something. I promise. You won’t be lonely, don’t worry.