It was a different place, but not a new one.
It wasn’t where he’d first found Leliana, where he so often had returned to time and time again. So often he’d stare down at that patch in the wildflowers as if her weight still pressed down on them, replay her memory like a beautiful tragedy. A love he lost. A love he’d never deserve. His love would kill her. His kind would break her down and tear her apart, bleed her out and steal her soul. His distance was her greatest protection. It’s what he told himself. But really he was just a coward when it came to her. Afraid he’d do nothing but cause pain and disappointment. He didn’t even need to see her to do that.
God, but he couldn’t stop the rage igniting each time he saw someone even speaking to her, looking in her direction. Took everything he had not to charge in, not to force himself into her life as though he had any right. He may never stop wanting her.
But the place he was in now was somewhere further on the outskirts, near the cover of trees. The last place he’d ever seen Cerva. He needed this place today as he stood still under a noon sun and stared into the shadows, needed to focus on her. Because he was such a different person when they were together, and he didn’t understand what he’d become since. He never realized what losing her would do to him. Always, from the very beginning of his life, it had been he and her. Together. The sight of any other never affected him at all unless negatively. The advances of any other disgusted him, made him lash out violently in rebuff to make sure it’d never happen again. Just he, and her. No one else. As it should be.
That bond had been unbreakable, he’d thought. Until he left, recruited himself for an instruction he probably hadn’t been strong enough for. To protect her, always. Until he forgot everything under the weight of his training, pushed it all out of his mind until it was hidden from him. Until he forgot her too.
Now.. Maybe he was broken. He still felt that tie in him, the link to a former self that was so impossibly -sometimes violently- faithful and caring, so loving. But also obsessive, possessive, controlling. That’s who he was. Never really a good person, only these terrible things still, and more now. But who he was with Cerva was still so much better. Maybe still reachable somehow. He just didn’t know how. Needed to find it again. How could he tell someone he loved them -and mean it, god, he meant it- and turn around and fuck someone else? It had eased the pain, like a drug, a painkiller. Then it became something else, something new he didn’t understand.
Now.. he mourned and ached for Leliana, missed and missed a child he didn’t deserve, fucked a brother and sister duo like some sick animal. And since that wasn’t enough, tore them apart also, wedged his way through their precious bond and chewed away at it like a rabid beast. Always on the outside of their relationship, the unstable element, the third wheel whenever they came around to piss him off and turn him on. Just someone to add to their fun when they got bored and remembered he even existed. And now inserting himself far deeper than he’d ever wanted in their mess. Unexpectedly, accidentally, finding something there that he didn’t know he ached for, selfishly stole it for himself whether it destroyed them or not.
God, and his mentor, his master. Where the fuck was he?
He needed a goddamn anchor in this world. He was flying off like a loose cannon, throwing himself at any sense of safety, security, stability he could find. Everything Cerva had been. Every little piece of her he could find in anyone, anything else. Maybe he wouldn't know until he found it again, if there even was something to be found. Or maybe he was stuck like this forever, fragmented and hurtful, destructive. The catalyst.
He stared into that dark treeline with hard, black eyes, his body sunken in and blood dripping from around armor plates, felt a stray tear fall down a chiseled and wasted cheek. Felt like a child again, lost without his mother. Lost without his lover. A beast of Hell that never should have been set free in the world.
So say the word and I'll be running back to find you
A thousand armies won't stop me, I'll break through
ooc: he apparently needed to rant and whine. hats off to any brave soul that touches this thing :|
