this is the man pulling on his iron chains
In his mind, he’s spent an immeasurable amount of time locked in this exact moment.
He’s imagined being at her side again, feeling the curve of each rib pressed against him, counting each one and recounting every grain of time they let slip away between them. He’s played their reunion over and over again even though it hadn’t happened yet. He’s thought of all the things he wants to tell her, all the love he wants to show her over and over again. But all the afterlife gives him is grey; never does his wife appear, dipped in silver and with a tongue to match. There are only grey waves, grey sand, grey sky. Until she comes to him.
And this is not what he’s ever wanted.
This is not how he’s meant for it to go at all.
They should be on the Other Side, together nestled between the jagged mountains of home. They should be surrounded by their children: their light, Sela, their mystery, Kha, and their fire, Sabrael. She should be ruling the Dale, their granite queen, and he should be there to help her in whatever way she needs.
They shouldn’t be here – they don’t deserve to be here.
“I love you,” he says, and he hears her first response whisper-soft against him, but he lets it go into the grey. He’s let so much go during his time in this wretched place. Ea says it back, and it is the sweetest sound he’s ever heard. Like a lifeline tossed into turbulent waters towards a man who’s been adrift far too long, he clings to her affirmation. It’s all he’s ever needed. She’s all he’s ever needed. And now they can both be at peace (until he can get them home). They can ride out the storm together.
So he asks her, and she tells him. I don’t know where to start, she says, and he presses his lips to her brow in reassurance. Then comes the tale, then comes the truth that is not as sweet as what she’d said before. He watches her speak with his molten eyes burning, all the emotions that he’s let go rushing back to him at once. Missing children, lands torn apart, kidnap, and all the rest he can hardly bear. It is too much, too painful. He hadn’t been there for her or the rest of their family and it is all his fault.
She doesn’t even know –
And then she asks him.
Ramiel looks towards the false ocean, watches as one grey wave crashes back into the smooth shallows. Somewhere nearby, his black light lingers on the shoreline, just out of his reach. Another cruelty of their dark god, to keep he and Gail so close but impossibly far away at the same time. He misses her, but not in the same way he misses Ea. Missed Ea. Their tether is different in every way, stronger and weaker all at once. He’s never meant to cross the lines between the three of them, never meant for things to tangle. But nothing in his life has ever gone to plan.
Why should it be any different after life?
“You are the strongest soul I’ve ever known, I’m sure you did everything to the brink of your abilities.” He lets the sorrow form a hard lump in his throat. “I only wish I’d been there to see it, to see you.” The lump seems to grow bigger as he considers what to say next. There’s no other way but through. He chokes out, “I happened. I helped make my own prison.” And it’s true, in more ways than one. “There’s a woman here, a woman Carnage sent to the end of the universe. Remember when I told you about my quest as a child? She is the reason we went, she is the reason this place exists.” He blinks, slowly, the memories still as vibrant as the day they happened (how quickly they will fade in the time to come). “I was so sure we could get her home, could get her back to the Other Side. The guilt followed me everywhere I went. She cannot leave, so over the years I came to her.”
They are nearing the crux of it, and he sighs.
“I grew obsessed with my failure, but more importantly, I began to care for her deeply.” And there it is, the one secret he’s kept from her from life into death. Now, it spills out of him like mercury, slippery and toxic. He feels like he’s poisoning what’s only just started to rebloom. It is all his fault. “Just before I disappeared, she was brought back to life temporarily. We had twins.” He holds his breath, even though he doesn’t need to. Not here. Never here. “Carnage found us and tried to kill me, and I ended up trapped here. I’m sorry, Ea. I've never wanted to hurt you.”
Ramiel