His eyes were on her the moment she was in view, watching her play. He watched her attack the air, run around. It made his heart ache so goddamn badly. It made him miss his daughter that would never love him, would never let him touch her. He hadn't realized how deep he'd buried the pain, but he felt it surge back to life now, pushing a tear to spill over. He swallowed hard. Set it all aside. Buried it back down.
But it hurt him for far more than just that.
That should've been his baby.
And it was his own fault that it wasn't. It always would be.
He choked on it, coughed it out with a burn in his nose, a sting in eyes. The pain went deeper than he'd let on, deeper than he'd allowed even himself to realize. And he pushed it all down in desperation, a drowning man struggling for the surface again. This was nothing. He'd had worse. This was nothing.
She moved closer, finally noticed him and approached boldly. God, he fucking hated those scales covering her, those goddamn eyes that weren't her mother's. He didn't even realize his mouth was twisted in a disgusted snarl. But he set it right again, smoothed his features into vague annoyance with himself for any of this. He never should've came.
He was a glutton for punishment, though, didn't you know.
What are you, she asked, and he grunted, turned his head and spit out the blood and phlegm he'd choked on a moment ago.
"Bit of a monster, I suppose," he answered in a bored tone, his voice thick and raw from crying, and he wasn't ashamed of that. He looked her over with reddened eyes, nodded his head at her little body in gesture. "You know what you are, though?" He wasn't necessarily unkind, but he wasn't exactly vomiting rainbows at her. He was just himself. Talking to this child as he would anyone else.
And killing himself more with every minute he put himself through this. But he'd damn well do it. Let it hurt, then. He'd been trained by a goddamn magician to withstand it. So fuckin' bring it on. He welcomed it.
He deserved it.
we're slaves to any semblance of touch
Lord, we should quit but we love it too much
