11-19-2018, 01:09 AM
The quiet helped. Kali clung to her mom’s side like she hadn’t needed to do since she was much smaller, and really she’d never clung like this even when she was her tiniest. Always a little adventurous, or more than a little some days, and at her Khari’s side just as often or maybe moreso. Shy and clingy had certainly not been her style as a baby. But then, as a baby she didn’t know the scary things the world held, only soft touches and sweet voices and love and fussing and happiness.
So naive. Some days she missed that wide-eyed little girl who looked at the world and saw exciting possibilities. Most of the time though that old version of her felt like a stranger. Maybe that Kali had died just outside Taiga’s wall going to see her uncle like she’d done a dozen times. Maybe she was dead, and that was why she felt so...awful. Scared of everything and numb in waves that felt like they’d drown her instead of holding her up. A tight chest that felt like it would slowly crush the air out of her body and never let it back in, like a big old snake wrapped around her and slowly crushing the life out of her.
Maybe this was what dead felt like. Maybe this was forever. She should care more, knew in some deep down distant locked away part of her that she should not be alright with that thought, that being dead should be distressing. But it wasn’t enough to reach her, and she sighed softly and rested her head against Mom’s shoulder, dragging her feet a little and walking along just fast enough to keep up with the pace Mom set.
Those gentle little touches were nice though, soft nuzzles and love that made her feel a little less like everything in the world was awful. Maybe just almost all of it. Still, she just drifted alongside Mom in a little daze, letting her lead, following without fuss or even really looking where they were going. All that mattered was the contact, the touch of her shoulder to Mom’s ribs, her face to that spot where Mom’s neck met her shoulder. She even rubbed her face there and nuzzled Mom back gently. It was the best she could manage, but maybe it was something at least.
So naive. Some days she missed that wide-eyed little girl who looked at the world and saw exciting possibilities. Most of the time though that old version of her felt like a stranger. Maybe that Kali had died just outside Taiga’s wall going to see her uncle like she’d done a dozen times. Maybe she was dead, and that was why she felt so...awful. Scared of everything and numb in waves that felt like they’d drown her instead of holding her up. A tight chest that felt like it would slowly crush the air out of her body and never let it back in, like a big old snake wrapped around her and slowly crushing the life out of her.
Maybe this was what dead felt like. Maybe this was forever. She should care more, knew in some deep down distant locked away part of her that she should not be alright with that thought, that being dead should be distressing. But it wasn’t enough to reach her, and she sighed softly and rested her head against Mom’s shoulder, dragging her feet a little and walking along just fast enough to keep up with the pace Mom set.
Those gentle little touches were nice though, soft nuzzles and love that made her feel a little less like everything in the world was awful. Maybe just almost all of it. Still, she just drifted alongside Mom in a little daze, letting her lead, following without fuss or even really looking where they were going. All that mattered was the contact, the touch of her shoulder to Mom’s ribs, her face to that spot where Mom’s neck met her shoulder. She even rubbed her face there and nuzzled Mom back gently. It was the best she could manage, but maybe it was something at least.