I'm trying to pick myself up piece by piece, Leilan

[Briseis]

little do you know how I'm breaking while you fall asleep,
little do you know I'm still haunted by the memories,
little do you know I'm trying to pick myself up piece by piece

She has never been good at expressing herself. Preferring to close herself off, to withdraw inside of herself where no one else can see her. It was usually easy. She was so used to processing emotions on a different level than most, and being able to bury things – or even forget them completely. She has been in Beqanna for years now, and her memories from her previous home were still lost in the abyss of her mind. The closest she had ever come to remembering them, was in her nightmares, and now, her nightmares were different – they were real. They were inescapable.

They were real enough that it all threatened to spill over; no matter how hard she tried to keep it all inside, it was still going to overflow, at some point. When she stands alongside of him, now, the effort that it takes to not dissolve into pieces is enough to make her tremble. Her jaw tightens, to the point that her teeth begin to ache, and she turns her eyes away from him when he asks her what’s wrong. There is a lingering hesitation before she can answer, as she struggles to compose herself – making sure her voice sounds steadier, that maybe that sorrow isn’t so evident when she speaks. ”Everything.” For a moment, her eyes close, forcing the tears away, still stubbornly refusing to let any fall.

She wants to tell him, just so that she can tell someone. She is tired of bearing this alone, and a part of her foolishly thinks that maybe the burden will be lighter if she says it out loud. But everytime she thinks about it, everytime the word rape drifts into her mind, it dies long before it can ever make it to her tongue. In the back of her mind, she wonders where Chryseis is – it wasn’t like her daughter to not greet her as soon as she arrived, but then again, she was also almost three years old. This also isn’t particularly a conversation she wants her daughter to be apart of, and so she doesn’t even ask. She lets the gold-blazed face of her daughter disappear from her mind, and sadly, right now, it isn’t difficult. Tunnel’s face is all she sees, whenever her mind begins to slip from her.

Her eyes finally look to his again, somber and anguished, before she slowly, softly (hardly above a whisper, painfully quiet) says, ”I was in the forest….alone. And I should have left, as soon as I realized something wasn’t right, but I didn’t. And he...he wouldn’t let me go.” She can feel her voice beginning to break, her pulse once again beginning to race, the familiar flight instinct trying to take hold again, before she finishes tremulously. ”Not until the next morning.”

There is another pause, all the thoughts and memories weighing on her, as her eyes drift towards the shadows of the trees; always looking, always hoping, that those familiar golden eyes will appear. ”And Ether doesn’t understand.”

BRISEIS

underneath it all I'm held captive by the hole inside,
I've been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind

@[Leilan]