little do you know I’ll love you ‘til the sun dies — misfit

[Briseis]

little do you know how I'm breaking while you fall asleep,
little do you know I'm still haunted by the memories,
little do you know I'm trying to pick myself up piece by piece

When the day she had been dreading finally came, she found herself pacing the forest that flanked the Nerine and Taiga border. Nerine itself was too rocky and barren; everything about it made her feel exposed and vulnerable. The darkness of the trees, and the shadows that they draped across her shoulders like some sort of shield, was the only thing she had right now. A part of her was fine with that. She was used to being alone, and had given birth to Chryseis on her own. But the fear that tingled at the back of her mind, the never ending anxiety that Tunnel was going to appear, was impossible to push aside.

As time wore on, however, she could no longer think about that. As the pain that gripped her sides increased, it drove all thoughts of the stallion that had put her in this situation far, far from her mind. The only thing that still sat settled like a stone in her chest was the fear that she wouldn’t be able to love this child, knowing how he was created.

She doesn’t know if it is the lingering emotional pain that she has been harboring that intensifies everything about this experience, but it is somehow far worse than with her first child. The shadows had long since disappeared into the abyss of the night, and the faint ribbons of moonlight illuminated the sheen of sweat across her neck and flanks, her soft groans from her place on the ground one of the few sounds that interrupted the silence around her. It takes longer than it should have; her body and her mind are screaming with the agony of it, but she bites back every sound that risked being too loud, until, finally, there is relief.

With her black mane plastered to her neck she lays there for a long moment, her eyes still closed. She was terrified to look at it. Terrified to look into a face that might look like his, that might be blue-tinged, that might have those same haunting eyes. But her instinct wins over when she can feel movement, when she remembers how small and helpless Chryseis had been. With gritted teeth she forces herself to sit up, and slowly, cautiously, she positions herself to look at him.

There is something mechanical to her movements at first, when she begins to clean him. Cleaning his face because she has to, working her way down his small neck. She notices the blue line down his back, and his blue mane. It makes her throat tighten, but she ignores it — pushes it away.

But then, she really looks at him, her quiet brown eyes meeting his. They are staring up at her with that same confused wonder as Chryseis had when she was born — because right now, as far as he is concerned, she is the only thing in this strange new world that exists.

His eyes trigger something in her.

Once the tears begin to fall — those same tears she has been holding in for so long, the same ones she has been tasting on her tongue for the last several months — there is nothing she can do to stop them. They stream down her face uncontrollably, as she arcs her neck over his small, trembling body, and pulls him into her chest. She knows her tears are wetting the fur she had just dried, as they fall from her face and onto his neck, but all she can do is pull him closer. Her body shudders with the anguish finally being released, a few broken fragments of her heart trying to put themselves back into place. Her lips gently caress against his cheek, her warm breath fanning against his skin as she whispers tremulously, ”I love you. ”Because he needs to know. He needs to know that, even though she has spent all the months leading up to this being terrified of being unable to love him, she realized she was wrong. Extremely wrong.

Reluctantly, she releases him from her tight embrace, cautious not to bump him as she rises up. With her muzzle lowered, she gently nudges his hip, before letting her touch linger over the top of his head, gently lipping at his blue forelock. ”Time to stand up, baby boy,” she whispers in her quiet voice, unable to look at anything else around her except for him.

BRISEIS

underneath it all I'm held captive by the hole inside,
I've been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind