The fight Litotes felt the night he and Starsin made love returns with a furious vengeance. He stares the space-girl down with a cold-heartedness he did not know he possessed. What can she say to him that can right this wrong? What can he say to her that can change their fates? They were always doomed, from the beginning, and the King falls into a mourning deeper than the deepest trench.
He is losing a connection, a friendship, one of the few things he treasures. He does not know how to forgive her, or Kensa, or himself.
Instead, the cremello drifts into that same bitterness he has known his whole life, except now it is overwhelmingly disgusting - and it begs to send bile up his throat. A small part of him rages against such a submission. Allowing this bitterness to take control would mean returning to that Hyalinian lake and dying beneath the dark surface. He thinks it would not be so bad if he could turn back time and pretend he did not notice Kensa. Would he have died, or would they have met differently? Less romantically? Would they have defied fate?
“You’re not sorry,” he whispers, so low she will not be able to hear it but the thought is loud and clear in his mind. You’re not. And maybe she is - Litotes cannot pick through her brain like she picks through his, but staring at her in all of her raw regret and beauty, he cannot help but to think someone so cutting feels no regret.
Which is silly, of course. Starsin is like a piece of him. He knows her intentions even if he will never know the full truth.
Litotes gulps as she blames herself, anger lighting a fire in his belly. The surge of flame dies as quickly as it appears, leaving him feeling hollowed out, like Starsin scooped all of his organs from his inside and ate them like the predator she is. “Stop,” he says, choking on the single syllable that should save him. “Please. I . . .” His voice wavers, and he fucking hates himself for it - hates himself for always being so vulnerable with someone that can take whatever she pleases from him. “I knew you could never love me. I knew I would always be second best. But third best? Or is there another? Fourth best? Fifth? Am I a notch in the bedpost of your games?” He stops, fury like a hot iron branding his eyes, three tears just as hot dripping down his face. “Why do you want me around, Starsin? Why - fuck - me?” Pain enunciates each word, and he wishes it didn’t. “You don’t love me, you never have. I’m not Ophanim, or your fucking reflection. God, did you tell Kensa you loved her, too? Did you organize the destruction of my relationship so I can remain your toy?”
The air is still between them when he finally stops, shock from his own searing words obvious in his gaze. Litotes takes several steps back, chest aching with the weight of his mistakes.
“Good job, Starsin,” he murmurs, blank-eyed. “I love you like I love Kensa, and now you’ve taken both from me. I hope my crushed love keeps you warm at night.”
i don't want your pity, i just want somebody near me
guess i'm a coward, i just want to feel all right
@[Starsin]
