the salt and the sea, aeris pony

[kensley]

( i swore the days were over of courting empty dreams ------------------------------------------i worshipped at the altar of losing everything ) Why so lost? His useless heart lurches and his gaze lingers on her face for only a beat before he looks away. As if she might see in his eyes all of the things he’s carrying. All of these things that cripple him beneath their unbearable weight. Why so lost? He has never known himself to be a failure. He had been reliable once. An unmovable force. He had been the shore that others slammed their storms against and he had weathered them all. He had been patient and kind and steadfast. He had never given himself the opportunity to fail and one had never been presented to him. Why so lost? She had smiled at him and he had been so tired from his travels and he’d wanted nothing more then than to be with his sister, his family. He had failed her first by failing to notice the dark thing that had stalked him for miles. Why so lost? He doesn’t want to think about it, not right now. She lends him a mercy he does not deserve in speaking again before he’s had a chance to offer up an answer. He can not speak for how lost anyone else is, he knows, but he nods anyway. He nods because it saves him from having to compare how lost he is to anyone else. The last thing he wants is to dissect it. The furthest corner of his mouth quirks then and he drags his gaze back to her face. “I guess so,” he says, quiet. Her second question is perhaps harder to answer than the first. It is innocent enough, he can see that in the grin that accompanies it. But it puts an impenetrable ache in his chest and he swallows thickly in an effort to loosen the vise tightened around his throat. He’d found joy in loving fiercely once, he’d found joy in raising his daughter, he’d found joy in his family. His happiness lies buried now, he knows. His happiness had undoubtedly died with the collapse of the Chamber. But he rolls his shoulders in a kind of shrug now, shackles his gaze to hers and admits without a shred of shame, “I don’t know anymore.” He draws in a measured breath and, without looking away, asks, “where do you find yours?” ( but you had a halo made of diamonds resting on your head---------------------------- i should be dealing with my demons but i'm dodging them instead )