05-10-2016, 02:55 PM
Deep breath. I can do this. I can respect the goddamn line no matter how much I want to drag him into me and wrap myself around him and claim every little bit of him. Even if my heart is racing just because he's next to me, even if I want to melt into him and trail my lips over the line of his shoulder, the curve of his neck, the plane of his cheek—fuck, okay, distraction. The kid, focus on the kid. I ruffle his little mane, and he doesn't even twitch, he's crashed so hard. That was a lot of learning to cram into such a short period of time, but he loved every minute of it and I bet he'll wake up hungry for more.
The maternal pride that washes over me is safer than everything else I'm fighting not to fall into, so I hold onto it, stroking my nose along his neck. Clever little demon. I'm going to have a hell of a time keeping up with him. I wonder if his voracious appetite for knowledge includes exploring. That's something I could share with him, if so. Traipsing around the wilderness by myself sounds fucking dull now even if I used to love it, but watching Tycho learn? I could do that all day. It would be fun, discovering what's just over the next hill, just around the next bend in the river, climbing a mountain just to see what the world looks like from so high. God, it's been a long time, but I used to live for that shit. Maybe...
I force my gaze to stay on Tycho's face instead of glancing over at Pazuzu. It would be stupid to let myself want him there too. So fucking stupid to imagine him walking beside me, his body brushing against mine, stealing a kiss, a caress as we follow behind our eager little demon. Shit. Breathe, Ryss. And fucking stop that. My ears pin back, and I breathe out a snort of annoyance against Tycho's mane, shaking my head and twitching my skin to dislodge the stupid, dangerous little fantasy like I would shake off a fly. Idiot.
And then. Just beyond Tycho's face, where there's no missing it, a tiny flower grows up out of the grass. Oh, it's small, just a dainty little thing peeking through the blades, but the second I see it I know I'm in trouble. I gasp, lowering my head to brush my lips against petals that look like little powder blue butterfly wings lined in violet toward the center. I haven't seen one of these in years, not since...
I used to see them whenever I went exploring, tiny butterflies hiding in the grass, painted to look just like me. Any time I was out having an adventure, wandering the world for the joy of it, I would see them in patches, little flocks of butterflies dancing in the breeze running through the grass, sharing my absolute wonder for everything I saw. I haven't seen them since...since Gendry set me on fire, dammit, since those weeks-long wanderings changed from delight and curiosity into a fucked up, broken, scared little patchwork monster girl hiding from the world and trying so hard not to hurt anyone else or ruin any more lives.
Shit. I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to fucking cry. Even if tears are welling up and making my stupid vision blurry when I look at Pazuzu, they will not fall. I won't let them. Even if that goddamn perfect little flower just reminded me of a piece of myself I'd forgotten for so long, mended something I didn't even know was broken. That line is looking more and more like a cliff, and I'm not sure how much longer I can hold onto the death grip I've got on the edge. Slipping one finger at a time, fighting not to fall into the endless abyss of his eyes.
I can't stop my lips from brushing against his cheek, or my forehead from pressing against his neck as I close my eyes and try to remember how to breathe. Fuck. “Then I won't also thank you for the” stupid fucking perfect little beautiful goddamn “flower.” A damn flower, and I'm melting. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm not that girl, I've never given a fuck about romantic gestures or mushy bullshit. I don't even like flowers. I don't dislike them, they just don't matter. Except this one. Shit. What happened to just chemistry? What the hell happened to wanting nothing more than sex?
I'm going to fucking ruin this if I'm not careful but I can't stop touching him, can't stop my body from leaning into his. It would be fine if it were just electricity, just another storm building between us, but that's not it. This is so much worse. There's a bizarre kind of safety in the raw animal passion between us, but there is nothing safe about falling into him, wanting him beside me, wanting to look into those damn eyes and know he's mine and I'm...
His.
Fuck. No. I need to walk away, need to wake up our little demon and get the hell away from him while I still can. Go, I beg silently, not sure if I'm pleading with myself or with him at this point. Either would do. Five minutes to get a fucking handle on my rampaging hormones and the stupid damn butterfly flowers fluttering inside my chest; five minutes to drag myself back over the edge of this cliff and make it remember that it's just a damn line in the dirt, that it's nothing. Five minutes, before I completely lose my grip.
I drag myself away from him, almost shaking with the effort, my heart racing. I brush my lips against Tycho's shoulder before sidestepping over him, putting a safe distance between my body and Pazuzu's. Between my heart and his. I just fucking promised this wouldn't be a problem. Not a minute ago, I told him he had nothing to worry about. I drag in a deep breath, letting it out slowly and reaching desperately for solid ground even though it feels next to impossible. Just fucking breathe, Ryss. It'll pass.
The maternal pride that washes over me is safer than everything else I'm fighting not to fall into, so I hold onto it, stroking my nose along his neck. Clever little demon. I'm going to have a hell of a time keeping up with him. I wonder if his voracious appetite for knowledge includes exploring. That's something I could share with him, if so. Traipsing around the wilderness by myself sounds fucking dull now even if I used to love it, but watching Tycho learn? I could do that all day. It would be fun, discovering what's just over the next hill, just around the next bend in the river, climbing a mountain just to see what the world looks like from so high. God, it's been a long time, but I used to live for that shit. Maybe...
I force my gaze to stay on Tycho's face instead of glancing over at Pazuzu. It would be stupid to let myself want him there too. So fucking stupid to imagine him walking beside me, his body brushing against mine, stealing a kiss, a caress as we follow behind our eager little demon. Shit. Breathe, Ryss. And fucking stop that. My ears pin back, and I breathe out a snort of annoyance against Tycho's mane, shaking my head and twitching my skin to dislodge the stupid, dangerous little fantasy like I would shake off a fly. Idiot.
And then. Just beyond Tycho's face, where there's no missing it, a tiny flower grows up out of the grass. Oh, it's small, just a dainty little thing peeking through the blades, but the second I see it I know I'm in trouble. I gasp, lowering my head to brush my lips against petals that look like little powder blue butterfly wings lined in violet toward the center. I haven't seen one of these in years, not since...
I used to see them whenever I went exploring, tiny butterflies hiding in the grass, painted to look just like me. Any time I was out having an adventure, wandering the world for the joy of it, I would see them in patches, little flocks of butterflies dancing in the breeze running through the grass, sharing my absolute wonder for everything I saw. I haven't seen them since...since Gendry set me on fire, dammit, since those weeks-long wanderings changed from delight and curiosity into a fucked up, broken, scared little patchwork monster girl hiding from the world and trying so hard not to hurt anyone else or ruin any more lives.
Shit. I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to fucking cry. Even if tears are welling up and making my stupid vision blurry when I look at Pazuzu, they will not fall. I won't let them. Even if that goddamn perfect little flower just reminded me of a piece of myself I'd forgotten for so long, mended something I didn't even know was broken. That line is looking more and more like a cliff, and I'm not sure how much longer I can hold onto the death grip I've got on the edge. Slipping one finger at a time, fighting not to fall into the endless abyss of his eyes.
I can't stop my lips from brushing against his cheek, or my forehead from pressing against his neck as I close my eyes and try to remember how to breathe. Fuck. “Then I won't also thank you for the” stupid fucking perfect little beautiful goddamn “flower.” A damn flower, and I'm melting. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm not that girl, I've never given a fuck about romantic gestures or mushy bullshit. I don't even like flowers. I don't dislike them, they just don't matter. Except this one. Shit. What happened to just chemistry? What the hell happened to wanting nothing more than sex?
I'm going to fucking ruin this if I'm not careful but I can't stop touching him, can't stop my body from leaning into his. It would be fine if it were just electricity, just another storm building between us, but that's not it. This is so much worse. There's a bizarre kind of safety in the raw animal passion between us, but there is nothing safe about falling into him, wanting him beside me, wanting to look into those damn eyes and know he's mine and I'm...
His.
Fuck. No. I need to walk away, need to wake up our little demon and get the hell away from him while I still can. Go, I beg silently, not sure if I'm pleading with myself or with him at this point. Either would do. Five minutes to get a fucking handle on my rampaging hormones and the stupid damn butterfly flowers fluttering inside my chest; five minutes to drag myself back over the edge of this cliff and make it remember that it's just a damn line in the dirt, that it's nothing. Five minutes, before I completely lose my grip.
I drag myself away from him, almost shaking with the effort, my heart racing. I brush my lips against Tycho's shoulder before sidestepping over him, putting a safe distance between my body and Pazuzu's. Between my heart and his. I just fucking promised this wouldn't be a problem. Not a minute ago, I told him he had nothing to worry about. I drag in a deep breath, letting it out slowly and reaching desperately for solid ground even though it feels next to impossible. Just fucking breathe, Ryss. It'll pass.
Daeryssa
of the restless heart