05-28-2016, 11:25 PM
I am loved beyond reason, beyond clause or condition, beyond even a shadow of doubt though shadows are all I know some days. Loved down to the marrow of my bones, down to the most broken parts of my shattered glass heart, down to the darkest parts of my soul. Love like that, sometimes it shines even enough light to chase those shadows away for a little while.
Today is one of those days.
I don't know what it was that made today a good day. Maybe it was waking up surrounded by the people who love me most in the whole world. Maybe it was listening to Argo's gentle breathing, or the quiet knowing in Leelee's eyes as she met mine and saw all the way down to those lingering shadows and loved me anyhow. Maybe it was the mischievous grin on Lissie's face, or angel eyes searching mine, or Mari's innocent smile, or the solid pillar of strength that is my dad. Maybe it was a whim of fate that made the sun shine brighter on my skin, sink deeper into my bones, lighting up what is so often shrouded in darkness.
I don't know, but that's okay. One way or another, by whatever twist or turn of fate made it possible, today is a good day. There's a smile on my face as I wander through towering trees, exploring for the sake of it instead of wandering anywhere and everywhere just to escape the smothering weight of misplaced love and acceptance. I want to see a piece of the world, to find out how tall the trees can get when they can put down roots and grow. I want to know how far this forest stretches, and feel the sunlight filtering down through the canopy to dance in mottled patterns on skin coated in dirt and shadows. I want to feel the breeze running fingers through a mane dressed in ashes and dust.
For the first time in a long time, my heart feels light. I close my mud-brown eyes, raising my head to breathe in the earthy scent of oakmoss and rich earth, so different from the Tundra's plains that turn swampy with snowmelt and are so exposed my skin sometimes crawls with the weight of eyes on me, eyes that could be on me. The closeness of all these oak trees feels like a tender embrace, and I feel tension draining from my body as I wander, happy for the first time in far too long.
Today is one of those days.
I don't know what it was that made today a good day. Maybe it was waking up surrounded by the people who love me most in the whole world. Maybe it was listening to Argo's gentle breathing, or the quiet knowing in Leelee's eyes as she met mine and saw all the way down to those lingering shadows and loved me anyhow. Maybe it was the mischievous grin on Lissie's face, or angel eyes searching mine, or Mari's innocent smile, or the solid pillar of strength that is my dad. Maybe it was a whim of fate that made the sun shine brighter on my skin, sink deeper into my bones, lighting up what is so often shrouded in darkness.
I don't know, but that's okay. One way or another, by whatever twist or turn of fate made it possible, today is a good day. There's a smile on my face as I wander through towering trees, exploring for the sake of it instead of wandering anywhere and everywhere just to escape the smothering weight of misplaced love and acceptance. I want to see a piece of the world, to find out how tall the trees can get when they can put down roots and grow. I want to know how far this forest stretches, and feel the sunlight filtering down through the canopy to dance in mottled patterns on skin coated in dirt and shadows. I want to feel the breeze running fingers through a mane dressed in ashes and dust.
For the first time in a long time, my heart feels light. I close my mud-brown eyes, raising my head to breathe in the earthy scent of oakmoss and rich earth, so different from the Tundra's plains that turn swampy with snowmelt and are so exposed my skin sometimes crawls with the weight of eyes on me, eyes that could be on me. The closeness of all these oak trees feels like a tender embrace, and I feel tension draining from my body as I wander, happy for the first time in far too long.