07-20-2016, 07:43 AM
Holy Hell. He wanted me too. My face turns back to him in shock, in surprise, in awe. I can't even find my voice because this is not what I had expected to happen. I had thought he would step away, back away from me and what I was offering and my life would change again. I would be alone. Again. And this time....perhaps even before...it was no one's fault but myself. Probably because I was just too normal in a sea of everything abnormal.
But he rests his face against my own and I inhale his scent. I love the way he smelled. He smiled like home. Dampness from the caves. And the brisk winter scent of outside. Even when it was warm, the Tundra always had that brisk smell. I probably smelled like it as well, not to mention some evergreen and wildflowers that I had been wandering through earlier.
"I want you too Lee.....but." I swear to myself I will never let him see the pain that one tiny word causes me. I blink it away, pulling myself up and tilting my head ever so slightly to adjust the way I can see him. It's nothing more than a way to mask myself as I pull away just a little bit. To give myself some cushion as he starts to explain to me why we can't be together.
Except he doesn't. He talks about Argo and I cannot help the smile that crosses my face. "I know Nevi." My lips finding his forehead and then his cheek. "I'm okay with that." Nevi had always had a soft spot for Argo. Maybe it's why I clung to Nevi so desperately sometimes. I had to make sure that I wasn't alone again. That I still had something with Nevi and while I followed him and was with him whenever I could be.
But I hear something outside and I surge to my legs to meet it face on no matter what it was. It was big and then....it speaks as it stops in the cave entrance. "Dad?" I'm horrified at what he might have heard, at what he had obviously heard even as anger stirs itself in my heart. When he is done, I say nothing for a moment and even as I draw myself up, silently barricading my heart away for now. "Yeah, you did. You adopted me and then I was left here with nothing but Nevi, my brother...but not my brother. And I fell in love with him because he loved me back and wasn't afraid to let me lean on him when I needed him. Where were you dad? Where was mom? Both of you too broken and selfish and fighting to realize what was happening. To realize any of us were still hurting."
"So yes, you failed me. And it fucking hurt. To know I wasn't good enough for a second family to care." Tears cling to my eyes but I don't let them fall. My body tense, my muscles tight. "God. I would have given anything once just for a day with you without something else coming up. And I wish it would stop hurting and that I could stop loving you sometimes. I can't be here and watch you with Mom and these new babies you keep having because your love is broken and you don't know how else to fix it." I step away from Nevi. I step away from my Dad. Because I might as well get all this out now, so when I leave, I know I do it with a clean slate.
I keep talking to keep Dad's attention on me. To make him think this was my fault, so Nevi can stay and not have to see the disappointment in Dad's eyes. I knew Nevi loved them, lived for this family and I wouldn't take it away from him, not if he still wanted it. "What does any of us know of love until we live it? I know I love you and I love Mom. And it fucking hurts like glass slicing ribbons in my chest. And I love Nevi, who's the only one that soothes those cuts a little. And Maribel, my ray of sunshine on a dreary day." I can't say Argo, because him and I never really had that bond. Nor did Lissie and I. That wolf attack had changed something in our family that day.
"And I can't help how I feel. I have tried until I cannot stand it anymore. I don't know what else to do."
I want to touch Dad, curl up against his side like I used to, but I broke something else. Shattered it really and who knows if Dad will ever really be okay with this. With me. I quiet for a long time, my eyes on my dad and doing my damnnest to protect Nevi as I would always do.
But he rests his face against my own and I inhale his scent. I love the way he smelled. He smiled like home. Dampness from the caves. And the brisk winter scent of outside. Even when it was warm, the Tundra always had that brisk smell. I probably smelled like it as well, not to mention some evergreen and wildflowers that I had been wandering through earlier.
"I want you too Lee.....but." I swear to myself I will never let him see the pain that one tiny word causes me. I blink it away, pulling myself up and tilting my head ever so slightly to adjust the way I can see him. It's nothing more than a way to mask myself as I pull away just a little bit. To give myself some cushion as he starts to explain to me why we can't be together.
Except he doesn't. He talks about Argo and I cannot help the smile that crosses my face. "I know Nevi." My lips finding his forehead and then his cheek. "I'm okay with that." Nevi had always had a soft spot for Argo. Maybe it's why I clung to Nevi so desperately sometimes. I had to make sure that I wasn't alone again. That I still had something with Nevi and while I followed him and was with him whenever I could be.
But I hear something outside and I surge to my legs to meet it face on no matter what it was. It was big and then....it speaks as it stops in the cave entrance. "Dad?" I'm horrified at what he might have heard, at what he had obviously heard even as anger stirs itself in my heart. When he is done, I say nothing for a moment and even as I draw myself up, silently barricading my heart away for now. "Yeah, you did. You adopted me and then I was left here with nothing but Nevi, my brother...but not my brother. And I fell in love with him because he loved me back and wasn't afraid to let me lean on him when I needed him. Where were you dad? Where was mom? Both of you too broken and selfish and fighting to realize what was happening. To realize any of us were still hurting."
"So yes, you failed me. And it fucking hurt. To know I wasn't good enough for a second family to care." Tears cling to my eyes but I don't let them fall. My body tense, my muscles tight. "God. I would have given anything once just for a day with you without something else coming up. And I wish it would stop hurting and that I could stop loving you sometimes. I can't be here and watch you with Mom and these new babies you keep having because your love is broken and you don't know how else to fix it." I step away from Nevi. I step away from my Dad. Because I might as well get all this out now, so when I leave, I know I do it with a clean slate.
I keep talking to keep Dad's attention on me. To make him think this was my fault, so Nevi can stay and not have to see the disappointment in Dad's eyes. I knew Nevi loved them, lived for this family and I wouldn't take it away from him, not if he still wanted it. "What does any of us know of love until we live it? I know I love you and I love Mom. And it fucking hurts like glass slicing ribbons in my chest. And I love Nevi, who's the only one that soothes those cuts a little. And Maribel, my ray of sunshine on a dreary day." I can't say Argo, because him and I never really had that bond. Nor did Lissie and I. That wolf attack had changed something in our family that day.
"And I can't help how I feel. I have tried until I cannot stand it anymore. I don't know what else to do."
I want to touch Dad, curl up against his side like I used to, but I broke something else. Shattered it really and who knows if Dad will ever really be okay with this. With me. I quiet for a long time, my eyes on my dad and doing my damnnest to protect Nevi as I would always do.