07-23-2016, 11:25 PM
The moment my anger, my fear, and my panicked words fall from my mouth all I know is guilt. I hadn't even noticed the smell of blood, old and coppery, but still there as a faint scent in the air. My nose tingles with the smell of it and all I can think of is the way Nevi had smelled that one day years ago. I see the weariness in Dad’s form, see the way his shoulders seem to slump just a little. Is that from us? Is that from the trials we are putting him through? Is that from mom? What had happened to him physically that made him look so worn?
Gods above….what have I done?
I can't even look at Nevi. I know his heart is breaking in his chest. My sweet Nevi who would do anything for anyone. Who had done more for me than anyone and I had hurt him. I had done what I had asked him not to. I had thought burying it deep down would be okay. That I would be able to get passed the hell I had lived through that first year. And it had worked for a while. I had been able to coax Nevi a little more into the light.
He must hate me. For lying. For being untrustworthy. For not being worth it after all. Mom has to regret bringing me home. Dad has to regret agreeing. I was nothing. Nevi might be named Neverwas as some cruel joke but I was nothing. I should have been Nothing. Not this pretty name. Not his Lee.
And then Mom is there. And I inhale a gasp of pain I can't help. Her words bite me back and I shrink away at the pain etching itself through my heart. Just as I start to take a small step backwards I stop myself. It hurts. It hurts so much that in can hardly breathe but I'm not going to let them know. Maybe then, maybe then I can pretend to be strong enough when they tell me to leave.
Gods….I'm a grown mare and I still feel like that yearling they brought home except then I had been happy. I had a home. I tried to ignore the feelings of how long it might last before they get tired of another little black filly that wasn't theirs.
If I knew what mom….isle (did I have a right to call them my parents anymore)....was thinking I would have argued that I did not think Argo and Lissie were any less. It was not them I was mad at, hurt by, it was not the babe she was carrying. It was them...my parents….the couple that adopted me whom I felt neglected by. I can't say anything else. I don't even try. I stand there, solid and cleanse my face of my emotions. I take the flickers of fear and panic and hurt and all those emotions that made me feel weak and I close them off. I hide them behind a blank face, the one I had perfected that first year of my life. I stare at my parents. And I steady myself. A deep breath. That I take and release as I wait for Offsprings verdict.
But Nevi surprises me. And I turn with a flicker of surprise in my eyes, only a flicker that is gone almost as quickly as it shows, to look at him. (The pain in his eyes flays me wide open.) “It’s no one's fault.” He says. I want to argue. Of course it is. All mine. If I had never found him that day in the Playground...I can't think that way. I can't bear to think of how he might be now without me. It sounds...arrogant I suppose to think you made that much of a difference in someone's life. But I knew that I had played a part in Nevi’s life. I know he might still be in the dark if I hadn't dragged him back out so many times to the light.
But I say nothing. Meeting his eyes with that carefully blank one I have been bringing out more and more as I mask my hurt.
And he surprises me again when my name slips from his lips and his body moved closer in the pale light of the moon. He presses his face to mine and I tremble against his touch. My strength and my weakness. I would do anything for him. But what he asks me to do...I struggle with. My eyes close with the battle I start to wage. The war against being not good enough combined with the love in my heart I tried to stomp out. I shouldn't love Nevi but I do. I can't imagine a world without him. A place where he's not there and I can't see his smile. I shouldn't love Mo- Isle and Offspring ( pain shooting through my chest) either but I did. And Maribel, our little piece of sunshine. And I loved Argo and Lissie and I would love that little baby when it came out...well, even if I wasn't here I would love it.
I want to argue with him again. They can't love me. Not after the pain I saw on their faces. Not after the words I shouldn't have ever let out. No...they won't. I'll have to leave...even though of course I was going to before anyways. And I'll be without a family again.
Before I can say anything he's turning to mom and as he steps forwards I step back. I step back closer to the darkness that I had pulled him out of. I step back until the moon no longer touches me and they can't see the tears on my face as Nevi speaks. So beautiful...so brave. My Nevi. And he turns to the man we...he...calls Dad. (Would I still have that chance?) My heart might burst with pride. I would always know how much this moment would mean to him when they gather him back up and reassure him. When they might tell them their doubts and fears but still love him.
It would be better if I stayed here in the dark. I might break Nevis heart but Argo would be there. And I could get Maribel to promise me she would keep him in the light. Yes. That might work. I could do that. I could let him go so he has his family.
It is Da- Offsprings words that hurt me the most. As it should. As I had hurt him. As I lashed out without a thought or a care to anything in the world except my own anger. My own pain. Never taking in the thought of how it would hurt them...these words that should have never been said. “I’m sorry.” I say in a whisper that I am not even sure if he heard as he stumbles past mom and leaves the cave. What had I done?
“You are my daughter, until the day you choose not to be."
His words snaking back through my mind and giving me the first little bit of hope that lights up my chest before I have a chance to smother it. Hope was dangerous. Hope made you feel when it was better not too.
“Even imperfect love is worth fighting for.”
Mom….Isles words add to that and I'm so fucking scared.
Another step back into the dark.
“Even if we’re not perfect. Even if we’re jagged and broken and slowly bleeding out inside and we don’t know how to find the words to say we desperately need to hear it, they will always, always love us.”
I was. So broken. Still bleeding. I don't know how to let go of it. How to move past it.
“But please, please be brave with me. Can you do that, love? Can you do that for me?”
He asks for so little from me. And I can't even do this one thing. I can't be brave. I don't know how. I only know how to distract. I know how to pretend and play act. I know how to push it away until it doesn't hurt as bad. I know how to live but I really don't know how to be alive. I ache for Nevi’s touch.
I don't deserve it. So in the quiet after Dad’s departure I am quiet as well. Once for glad of my black coat and nearly black eyes. Except for… ”I...I didn't mean it Mo-.” I clamp my mouth shut on the words choking back the name. I would understand if she didn't want me anymore either. I stay there in the dark as I watch Nevi and Isle. “Will you tell him…” no, I would have to do it. I sigh my sides scraping against the cave wall as I slide back further. “Nevermind….I….I’m sorry.” and then I am quiet. Shutting my eyes and placing my cheek against the cool damp walls.
(not horrible. It was a good post. Sorry for no html...and other stuff like italics for the quotes. But I couldn't wait to get home to post it.
)
Gods above….what have I done?
I can't even look at Nevi. I know his heart is breaking in his chest. My sweet Nevi who would do anything for anyone. Who had done more for me than anyone and I had hurt him. I had done what I had asked him not to. I had thought burying it deep down would be okay. That I would be able to get passed the hell I had lived through that first year. And it had worked for a while. I had been able to coax Nevi a little more into the light.
He must hate me. For lying. For being untrustworthy. For not being worth it after all. Mom has to regret bringing me home. Dad has to regret agreeing. I was nothing. Nevi might be named Neverwas as some cruel joke but I was nothing. I should have been Nothing. Not this pretty name. Not his Lee.
And then Mom is there. And I inhale a gasp of pain I can't help. Her words bite me back and I shrink away at the pain etching itself through my heart. Just as I start to take a small step backwards I stop myself. It hurts. It hurts so much that in can hardly breathe but I'm not going to let them know. Maybe then, maybe then I can pretend to be strong enough when they tell me to leave.
Gods….I'm a grown mare and I still feel like that yearling they brought home except then I had been happy. I had a home. I tried to ignore the feelings of how long it might last before they get tired of another little black filly that wasn't theirs.
If I knew what mom….isle (did I have a right to call them my parents anymore)....was thinking I would have argued that I did not think Argo and Lissie were any less. It was not them I was mad at, hurt by, it was not the babe she was carrying. It was them...my parents….the couple that adopted me whom I felt neglected by. I can't say anything else. I don't even try. I stand there, solid and cleanse my face of my emotions. I take the flickers of fear and panic and hurt and all those emotions that made me feel weak and I close them off. I hide them behind a blank face, the one I had perfected that first year of my life. I stare at my parents. And I steady myself. A deep breath. That I take and release as I wait for Offsprings verdict.
But Nevi surprises me. And I turn with a flicker of surprise in my eyes, only a flicker that is gone almost as quickly as it shows, to look at him. (The pain in his eyes flays me wide open.) “It’s no one's fault.” He says. I want to argue. Of course it is. All mine. If I had never found him that day in the Playground...I can't think that way. I can't bear to think of how he might be now without me. It sounds...arrogant I suppose to think you made that much of a difference in someone's life. But I knew that I had played a part in Nevi’s life. I know he might still be in the dark if I hadn't dragged him back out so many times to the light.
But I say nothing. Meeting his eyes with that carefully blank one I have been bringing out more and more as I mask my hurt.
And he surprises me again when my name slips from his lips and his body moved closer in the pale light of the moon. He presses his face to mine and I tremble against his touch. My strength and my weakness. I would do anything for him. But what he asks me to do...I struggle with. My eyes close with the battle I start to wage. The war against being not good enough combined with the love in my heart I tried to stomp out. I shouldn't love Nevi but I do. I can't imagine a world without him. A place where he's not there and I can't see his smile. I shouldn't love Mo- Isle and Offspring ( pain shooting through my chest) either but I did. And Maribel, our little piece of sunshine. And I loved Argo and Lissie and I would love that little baby when it came out...well, even if I wasn't here I would love it.
I want to argue with him again. They can't love me. Not after the pain I saw on their faces. Not after the words I shouldn't have ever let out. No...they won't. I'll have to leave...even though of course I was going to before anyways. And I'll be without a family again.
Before I can say anything he's turning to mom and as he steps forwards I step back. I step back closer to the darkness that I had pulled him out of. I step back until the moon no longer touches me and they can't see the tears on my face as Nevi speaks. So beautiful...so brave. My Nevi. And he turns to the man we...he...calls Dad. (Would I still have that chance?) My heart might burst with pride. I would always know how much this moment would mean to him when they gather him back up and reassure him. When they might tell them their doubts and fears but still love him.
It would be better if I stayed here in the dark. I might break Nevis heart but Argo would be there. And I could get Maribel to promise me she would keep him in the light. Yes. That might work. I could do that. I could let him go so he has his family.
It is Da- Offsprings words that hurt me the most. As it should. As I had hurt him. As I lashed out without a thought or a care to anything in the world except my own anger. My own pain. Never taking in the thought of how it would hurt them...these words that should have never been said. “I’m sorry.” I say in a whisper that I am not even sure if he heard as he stumbles past mom and leaves the cave. What had I done?
“You are my daughter, until the day you choose not to be."
His words snaking back through my mind and giving me the first little bit of hope that lights up my chest before I have a chance to smother it. Hope was dangerous. Hope made you feel when it was better not too.
“Even imperfect love is worth fighting for.”
Mom….Isles words add to that and I'm so fucking scared.
Another step back into the dark.
“Even if we’re not perfect. Even if we’re jagged and broken and slowly bleeding out inside and we don’t know how to find the words to say we desperately need to hear it, they will always, always love us.”
I was. So broken. Still bleeding. I don't know how to let go of it. How to move past it.
“But please, please be brave with me. Can you do that, love? Can you do that for me?”
He asks for so little from me. And I can't even do this one thing. I can't be brave. I don't know how. I only know how to distract. I know how to pretend and play act. I know how to push it away until it doesn't hurt as bad. I know how to live but I really don't know how to be alive. I ache for Nevi’s touch.
I don't deserve it. So in the quiet after Dad’s departure I am quiet as well. Once for glad of my black coat and nearly black eyes. Except for… ”I...I didn't mean it Mo-.” I clamp my mouth shut on the words choking back the name. I would understand if she didn't want me anymore either. I stay there in the dark as I watch Nevi and Isle. “Will you tell him…” no, I would have to do it. I sigh my sides scraping against the cave wall as I slide back further. “Nevermind….I….I’m sorry.” and then I am quiet. Shutting my eyes and placing my cheek against the cool damp walls.
(not horrible. It was a good post. Sorry for no html...and other stuff like italics for the quotes. But I couldn't wait to get home to post it.
)