07-28-2016, 11:08 AM
This must be what dying feels like.
I have been searching for Gendry for over two years. Since the moment I started wondering why he’d been gone so long, since that first nervous inkling that Something Wasn’t Right. Days flowed into weeks, and there was no sign. Weeks became months, and I scoured the fucking earth for him. Months became a year, and our girls were fully grown and off on their own, and I still couldn’t find my Gendry.
I started to think he must have died, started to hate myself just a little for not knowing, for not being able to tell he’d been ripped out of the world and I was left alone. Because he would never have left me on purpose. Right? Of course not, we’ve been together forever, we were happier than ever, and he would never, never have just walked away without a word.
Except he did.
Except he fucking did. More than two years of searching, and I finally found him. Living in the Chamber, all happy and cozy and fucking adorable with a brand new son with his face and his blaze and that hair, and those stupidly, heart-wrenchingly cute baby eyes looking up at the man I’d spent the last two years missing and searching for, and calling him Dad. Like there could be any doubt whose son he is.
He left, without a fucking word, and he has another family. Another kid, he fucked some other girl and he didn’t even have the decency to say goodbye, or tell me--or tell me why. I thought we were happy. I thought...I thought everything was fucking perfect, and it would be him and me ‘til the day one of us got our fool selves killed or eaten by a damn monster or dropped into a volcano or something and the other died of utter devastation or some shit, I don’t even know, okay, we were just supposed to be forever, and now he’s fucking--
I can’t. I can’t fucking do this, I can’t, I can’t breathe, can’t even pull in enough air to scream or to cry or to make him fucking look me in the eye and tell me--tell me what? That he stopped loving me, and he didn’t even bother to say it? That he just woke up one day and I meant nothing to him? And our daughters meant nothing to him? He didn’t just leave me, he left them too.
I should hate him. I should want to beat the shit out of him, even if the idea’s a fucking joke. Tiny-ass me, doing anything more impressive or valuable than throwing attitude around. Small and scruffy as hell and never much to look at, I wonder if she’s pretty. I wonder if she’s tall and leggy and hot, if her hips sway when she walks, I bet she’s so damn elegant and lovely and everything I’m not. Everything I never thought he cared about, not after the first time he really fucking looked at me.
I always knew I wasn’t good enough for him. Too much fight, too much mouth, too much stomping and pushing and sass, not enough...not enough whatever the hell a woman’s supposed to be, I was never very good at that girly shit. I just...never thought he’d wise up. And never thought that if he did, he’d just...just quit me like I was nothing.
I should say something. Should confront him. But I’m fracturing into a thousand pieces, and all I can do is run. All I can do is jump into the air and sprout wings and beg for the sky to carry me away, away, anywhere but here. Anywhere but close enough to see that magnificent little boy who isn’t mine, or the way his dad looks at him like he used to look at our girls.
I can’t bear to stick around long enough to find out if he looks at the kid’s mom the way he used to look at me.
My stupid, traitorous wings drag me through the air to the only place left in the world that has ever felt like home, even for only a minute. To a deserted little cave just outside the Tundra, in the fucking dead of winter again like an idiot. But it’s fine. This time I don’t care if I freeze to death anyhow. I lost Rhory here forever ago. Might as well curl up and fucking die here now that I’ve lost Gendry too.
I won’t. That rat bastard left me and the girls, I’m not going to leave them too. But it’s the only place left in the world I feel safe, and I could use a little goddamn safe right now. If only so that I can fall apart in peace.
The second I’m inside, I do exactly that. I curl up in a damn ball right where I cuddled up safe and sound with Rhory so very, very long ago. Torturing the hell out of him every time I burrowed into him for warmth or rubbed my cheek against his shoulder. So fucking oblivious. Just like I was so fucking oblivious that Gendry was over me. God, I’m so dumb, so fucking blind.
No wonder they’re both gone. No wonder I’m alone.
What little light exists in the cave draws into me, seeping into my skin and being devoured, leaving nothing but darkness. And when the darkness is complete, when no more light reaches my eyes and I feel just a little bit safe in the shadowed shelter of a cave that tried so hard to be home, the tears finally come. Quiet, because they’ve been a goddamn long time coming. Quiet, because I have nothing left to scream about. Quiet, because there is no sound on this earth that could convey how my heart is breaking.
I have been searching for Gendry for over two years. Since the moment I started wondering why he’d been gone so long, since that first nervous inkling that Something Wasn’t Right. Days flowed into weeks, and there was no sign. Weeks became months, and I scoured the fucking earth for him. Months became a year, and our girls were fully grown and off on their own, and I still couldn’t find my Gendry.
I started to think he must have died, started to hate myself just a little for not knowing, for not being able to tell he’d been ripped out of the world and I was left alone. Because he would never have left me on purpose. Right? Of course not, we’ve been together forever, we were happier than ever, and he would never, never have just walked away without a word.
Except he did.
Except he fucking did. More than two years of searching, and I finally found him. Living in the Chamber, all happy and cozy and fucking adorable with a brand new son with his face and his blaze and that hair, and those stupidly, heart-wrenchingly cute baby eyes looking up at the man I’d spent the last two years missing and searching for, and calling him Dad. Like there could be any doubt whose son he is.
He left, without a fucking word, and he has another family. Another kid, he fucked some other girl and he didn’t even have the decency to say goodbye, or tell me--or tell me why. I thought we were happy. I thought...I thought everything was fucking perfect, and it would be him and me ‘til the day one of us got our fool selves killed or eaten by a damn monster or dropped into a volcano or something and the other died of utter devastation or some shit, I don’t even know, okay, we were just supposed to be forever, and now he’s fucking--
I can’t. I can’t fucking do this, I can’t, I can’t breathe, can’t even pull in enough air to scream or to cry or to make him fucking look me in the eye and tell me--tell me what? That he stopped loving me, and he didn’t even bother to say it? That he just woke up one day and I meant nothing to him? And our daughters meant nothing to him? He didn’t just leave me, he left them too.
I should hate him. I should want to beat the shit out of him, even if the idea’s a fucking joke. Tiny-ass me, doing anything more impressive or valuable than throwing attitude around. Small and scruffy as hell and never much to look at, I wonder if she’s pretty. I wonder if she’s tall and leggy and hot, if her hips sway when she walks, I bet she’s so damn elegant and lovely and everything I’m not. Everything I never thought he cared about, not after the first time he really fucking looked at me.
I always knew I wasn’t good enough for him. Too much fight, too much mouth, too much stomping and pushing and sass, not enough...not enough whatever the hell a woman’s supposed to be, I was never very good at that girly shit. I just...never thought he’d wise up. And never thought that if he did, he’d just...just quit me like I was nothing.
I should say something. Should confront him. But I’m fracturing into a thousand pieces, and all I can do is run. All I can do is jump into the air and sprout wings and beg for the sky to carry me away, away, anywhere but here. Anywhere but close enough to see that magnificent little boy who isn’t mine, or the way his dad looks at him like he used to look at our girls.
I can’t bear to stick around long enough to find out if he looks at the kid’s mom the way he used to look at me.
My stupid, traitorous wings drag me through the air to the only place left in the world that has ever felt like home, even for only a minute. To a deserted little cave just outside the Tundra, in the fucking dead of winter again like an idiot. But it’s fine. This time I don’t care if I freeze to death anyhow. I lost Rhory here forever ago. Might as well curl up and fucking die here now that I’ve lost Gendry too.
I won’t. That rat bastard left me and the girls, I’m not going to leave them too. But it’s the only place left in the world I feel safe, and I could use a little goddamn safe right now. If only so that I can fall apart in peace.
The second I’m inside, I do exactly that. I curl up in a damn ball right where I cuddled up safe and sound with Rhory so very, very long ago. Torturing the hell out of him every time I burrowed into him for warmth or rubbed my cheek against his shoulder. So fucking oblivious. Just like I was so fucking oblivious that Gendry was over me. God, I’m so dumb, so fucking blind.
No wonder they’re both gone. No wonder I’m alone.
What little light exists in the cave draws into me, seeping into my skin and being devoured, leaving nothing but darkness. And when the darkness is complete, when no more light reaches my eyes and I feel just a little bit safe in the shadowed shelter of a cave that tried so hard to be home, the tears finally come. Quiet, because they’ve been a goddamn long time coming. Quiet, because I have nothing left to scream about. Quiet, because there is no sound on this earth that could convey how my heart is breaking.