08-24-2016, 11:08 PM
I don’t know what I was expecting. I guess I wasn’t expecting anything, really, the words just came pouring out without a moment’s thought for the future. Just my pain, pouring out my mouth and spilling out onto the cave floor. God, I never fucking think, do I? So I didn’t exactly expect my Lionheart’s outrage, his fury. Maybe I should have. Hell. I’m so fucking dumb sometimes, of course he wasn’t just going to nod and smile and agree with me that I was shit and deserved to be left without a word, that it was just a matter of time, that of course no one could love me enough to stay.
So fucking dumb.
I feel so goddamn awful the second he starts to get angry. He was Gendry’s best friend once, I should never have gone to him about something that might damage their relationship. Not that they really fucking had one at this point, but what kind of friend does shit like that? Badmouths someone to a mutual friend? I want to crawl into a hole and just rot away into oblivion, hating myself just a little bit more for how I screwed everything up again. Like fucking always.
“Rhory, please,” I beg, and the words come out so soft, barely more than a whisper in contrast to the rage that sets his body to vibrating with the need to lash out at the person who cause me pain. “Please, just...just leave it. It’s not worth it.” I’m not worth it. But I’m not quite stupid enough to say that part, even if the truth of it’s devouring me from the inside. I’m not worth the fight. “He made his choice. And I just…” I trail off, my throat tight with, goddammit, more tears fighting to well up and pour down my already tear-stained cheeks. So much for being done crying over him.
Rhory’s next words...well, they don’t make me feel better, exactly. Because what the hell could at a time like this? But it’s been a long goddamn time since anyone...since anyone thought I was amazing. It actually hurts to hear the words, so dissonant with the ones that have been spinning around in my head more and more these last years, and have been a nonstop whirlwind of self-deprecation since the moment I saw Gendry with his son. And it’s not...it’s not until he tells me I’m staying with him that I can breathe through that pain and let it wash over me. It still doesn’t feel accurate, but...but it sounds like truth, coming from my Lionheart’s lips.
Instead of answering, I give into the need that’s been pulling me forward, begging me to tuck myself up against Rhory’s side and curl into him and just be close to him for the first time in fucking forever. He told me to stay. I finally close the distance between us, stopping just short of touching. All it would take is a little bit of a lean, and I could be wrapped up in my Lionheart's embrace. I can't quite bring myself to lean that last little bit, too afraid of hurting him to manage to touch even though I want to so badly it makes my chest ache.
God, I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything's going to be okay. Even if it's a damn lie.
“Please, just...just stay with me instead? Just hold me, just for a minute? I really don’t want to be alone right now. I mean, you don’t have to, it’s--it’s fine, if you don’t want to.” Fuck, I shouldn’t have asked that, should I? Not fair, so goddamn unfair to ask him to hold me when I know how much it hurt him last time. “Sorry. Fuck, I’m sorry, I’ll be fine. You don’t have to.”
So fucking dumb.
I feel so goddamn awful the second he starts to get angry. He was Gendry’s best friend once, I should never have gone to him about something that might damage their relationship. Not that they really fucking had one at this point, but what kind of friend does shit like that? Badmouths someone to a mutual friend? I want to crawl into a hole and just rot away into oblivion, hating myself just a little bit more for how I screwed everything up again. Like fucking always.
“Rhory, please,” I beg, and the words come out so soft, barely more than a whisper in contrast to the rage that sets his body to vibrating with the need to lash out at the person who cause me pain. “Please, just...just leave it. It’s not worth it.” I’m not worth it. But I’m not quite stupid enough to say that part, even if the truth of it’s devouring me from the inside. I’m not worth the fight. “He made his choice. And I just…” I trail off, my throat tight with, goddammit, more tears fighting to well up and pour down my already tear-stained cheeks. So much for being done crying over him.
Rhory’s next words...well, they don’t make me feel better, exactly. Because what the hell could at a time like this? But it’s been a long goddamn time since anyone...since anyone thought I was amazing. It actually hurts to hear the words, so dissonant with the ones that have been spinning around in my head more and more these last years, and have been a nonstop whirlwind of self-deprecation since the moment I saw Gendry with his son. And it’s not...it’s not until he tells me I’m staying with him that I can breathe through that pain and let it wash over me. It still doesn’t feel accurate, but...but it sounds like truth, coming from my Lionheart’s lips.
Instead of answering, I give into the need that’s been pulling me forward, begging me to tuck myself up against Rhory’s side and curl into him and just be close to him for the first time in fucking forever. He told me to stay. I finally close the distance between us, stopping just short of touching. All it would take is a little bit of a lean, and I could be wrapped up in my Lionheart's embrace. I can't quite bring myself to lean that last little bit, too afraid of hurting him to manage to touch even though I want to so badly it makes my chest ache.
God, I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything's going to be okay. Even if it's a damn lie.
“Please, just...just stay with me instead? Just hold me, just for a minute? I really don’t want to be alone right now. I mean, you don’t have to, it’s--it’s fine, if you don’t want to.” Fuck, I shouldn’t have asked that, should I? Not fair, so goddamn unfair to ask him to hold me when I know how much it hurt him last time. “Sorry. Fuck, I’m sorry, I’ll be fine. You don’t have to.”