"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
She was itching to approach him, but also hesitant. She remembered clearly how he had turned her down last time, and she was not sure if he wanted her daughterly affection right now. She would wait, for now, but only until the meeting was over. This time he couldn’t hide from her. She wouldn’t let him.
What happens next surprises her, but Jinju gladly accepts it. Still a bit awkward, the last time she had been this close with Circy she had been a tad bit unfair to the navy and green mare. Though it was good to know the other mare didn’t seem to hold it against her. So she offers her a small smile. ”Hey” she softly greets, noting to herself to find Circinae later again.
More come, more speak. Some surprised, some angry, some not saying anything. Then Ruan speaks again, asking back up of Romek. Jinju cannot say that surprises her, knowing he would want the best for the Taiga. Though the thought that something might happen to her dad, it unsettles her. She grows more uneasy, wishing the meeting would be over soon. And it was, thankfully. Some more words were exchanged, and Jinju waited patiently – or not so much actually – until she could approach the father figure of her life.
”Dad?” she asks softly, her head dipping a little as she extends her neck. Instead of last time, when she had just pressed herself up at his side and into an embrace, she now respects his personal space. He could touch her, invite her in, but all on his own initiative. Jinju simply didn’t want to be hurt in that way again. ”Dad are you okay?” she mumbles softly, worry reflecting in her ruby gaze. She knew he wasn’t, he clearly didn’t look like he was, but she simply did not know what else to say.
Everything was still secure. Together. Running smoothly. And yet it felt like everything was falling apart. Every piece of him was twisted and mangled on the inside, sharp and shattered, and outside was still so solid, still so steady. Maybe a little cold. Their home was still home, still peaceful and protected, guarded by each and every one of them that chose it for themselves. Everything was fine. They were all good. All was well. And he… well, he would make it through this. In time.
”Dad? Dad, are you okay?”
Jinju. God, he’d let their distance and silence stretch for far too long. He hadn’t meant to. He’d meant to find her soon after that day, when he’d rebuffed her and hurt her heart. It hadn’t been meant as anything bad, not any sort of disappointment or discomfort. Only.. space. And respect. Respect for her, and the strong woman she had become. She didn’t need him anymore. She stood on her own, no longer timid and uncertain. Bold and fiery and radiant. And also space for himself. Because if he let himself lean on her, he might topple them both over with the weight of everything bearing down on him. It wasn’t hers to carry, only his. His alone.
Her head dipped, her glittering ruby eyes gently widened in concern and her voice so soft. She reached, just a little, but didn’t steal the affection they both wanted. The tension in his shoulders and his back eased a little, deeply grateful for that kind consideration, allowing him to lead their moment together, to choose how much of him he was ready to give. It lifted a weight from his heart, just a bit.
Jinju.. he answered softly, taking a step closer and brushing lightly against her cheek. He didn’t bother trying to tell her he was fine. He wasn’t fine. They both knew it. He drew a small smile to his face as he pulled back to meet her gaze. He forced a casual shrug from his shoulder, I’ll be okay.I’m not okay. But I will be. One day. He was painfully aware that he wasn’t the only one who suffered a great loss in this. Jinju had lost her mother; or at least, the daily presence of her. All their children did, the ones who had not gone away with her. And those… would he ever see them again?
More pain. More loss.
He wanted to ask if she would seek her mother out sometime, but was hesitant to bring her up. Reluctant to accidentally push any of his own wishes for her onto her. He wanted her, and them all, to seek out their relationship with their mother. Had his own still been alive, she would be among them, or at the least an almost-constant in his life. Maybe there was a way to ask her. Maybe with time he’d know the right way to form the question. For now…
He wasn’t okay. She didn’t need to ask to know that, but what else was she supposed to say? She didn’t want to ask what had happened. Not because she didn’t want to get herself involved or to seek the easy way out, but simply because it wasn’t really her business. Ruan would stay the father figure in her life as Reagan still was her mother. Nothing could change that. Nor would she allow herself to be forced to choose between them. It was her good right to want them both in her life, it was up to them if that feeling was mutual.
And thank the good lord that her father still allowed her in. For a moment she had been afraid of rejection, as had happened a while back. Her fear had been groundless though, as now turned out. Her eyes flutter closed as he touches her cheek and she didn’t know she had been holding her breath until now. With a breath she opens her eyes again, a soft smile on her lips as her gaze seeks his. ”Dad” she repeats softly, her voice pained for him. Hearing his answer she shakes her head, revealing the little white star on her head for a split second. ”We..” she says. ”We will be okay.” Yes, he was affected more than any of them, but they were still a family.
She pulls her gaze away from his, letting them roam over the treeline. For a moment she wonders if she should voice out her worries, if she should trouble him with her own insecurities. She doesn’t want to, she doesn’t want to burden him any more than he already is. ”I.. I am afraid of what the future might bring..” she answers softly, a sad smile tugging on the corners of her lips as she sways her head in Ruan’s direction again. This time she does reach out though, but slow enough for him to pull away if he desires too, to kiss his cheek in return. ”But that’s something to worry about later, not?”
He didn’t need to ask her to go look for her mother. She already wants to, but she does not know how to bring it to him. Jinju is aware that she doesn’t need his permission, but the last thing she wants is to give him the wrong idea. She would not leave the Taiga. Though she was itching to explore more of the world. ”Is.. is there something I can do for you? Or for the Taiga?” she thus asks, her head tilting a little to the side as she awaits his answer.
His gaze softened as he stared back at her. She was right, of course. He knew he wasn't the only one affected by everything that was happening. Each of their daily lives were shifted and altered by this with only himself to turn to now if any needed him. He didn't mind, of course, but it was still different. It was still change for everyone to get accustomed to. He hoped nobody would find it too difficult. Certainly, not as bad as his heart was.
She admitted she was afraid of what the future would hold, and his brows tugged together in concern. He wasn't sure how to ease that fear, honestly. But she offered him a way to comfort her as she reached for him, and with his wintery chill melting from him, he met her with his cheek and let his eyes drift closed at her sweet kiss.
He tilted his head and returned it with his own, pressing his lips lightly to her cheek before pulling back a little to meet her eyes again.
She surprised him then, and asked if there was anything she could do to help. He glanced away and scanned the treeline just as she had, thinking it over. There were things she could do, that he needed help doing, but he was reluctant to drop responsibility on her, most especially at a time like this. There was already so much she was dealing with.
But perhaps she was like him and found it a little freeing to be able to lose herself in her work. Having something to do to keep her busy and give her mind and her heart a break from everything else. He would leave the choice up to her, though.
He turned back to her with a hesitant smile. "Perhaps you will find others someday that may belong here and guide them home. But for now, I think I just need you here with me." She was the one keeping him whole, holding him together, though he'd never place the weight of that knowledge on her. No, he didn't have friends to lean on. But he had his daughter, and he was finding strength in her calm and caring presence.
"Could you.." he faltered, hesitated. He still wasn't sure how to approach the topic. "If you see your mother some time.. Could you let me know how she is?" There, that wasn't so hard.
It was something he couldn't do himself. He couldn't even imagine seeing her again, and sure as hell didn't want to. He wasn't ready for that. If he ever would be. But unfortunately losing his marriage didn't mean the love just went away too. Didn't mean he didn't care whether she was alive and well, or dead and rotting. It would have been so much easier if he could have hated her. Far less painful, too.
For a moment her eyes close and a soft sigh escapes past her lips. She had missed this. She had missed him. And she needed it. Yes, she was all grown up now – though she still had a long way to go – but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t need her parents anymore. Heck, if she would ever get her own children she would desperately come to them for help. It is only after Ruan moves away again that she opens her eyes to look at him, warm and smiling.
Her ears flick in his direction as he answers her, and her heart warms. He wanted her around. It was as if she had been waiting to hear something she didn’t know she had been waiting for. Of course Jinju would prefer the circumstances to be different, but ever since she had come back he hadn’t expressed his happiness to see her clear like this. ”I’m not going anywhere, dad” she promises him. If that was how she could help him, then she would stay. And not because she felt like she had to, but because she wanted to.
Her heart breaks, simply breaks. For a moment she could see how broken he really was. Oh, how much she wanted to press herself against his side, to murmur that everything would be alright. But she could not. As a child she would’ve believed her words, now she knows better. So Jinju nods, hoping that this would ease him a bit. ”I will..” It relieves her to know that Ruan wouldn’t hold it against her – and with her all her siblings – if she would wanted to look for the gray and emerald mare.
”Would you..” her voice falters, just as his had before. ”Should I look for her?” She was well aware that her magician mother was able to take care of herself, but so was her father. And honestly, she wanted to support both of them in any way she could.
She wasn't going anywhere, she promised, and it eased a surprising amount of tension in him. There were a number of his children he no longer saw anymore, assumed they'd gone with their mother, and he really wasn't sure he was prepared to lose Jinju too.
She promised him more then; that she'd let him know how her mother was when she saw her again. That was comforting too, but also worried a know further into his chest. He wished he didn't care to know how she was, wished he could go on and not even think of her ever again. Wished he could just forget it all and spare him this endless heartache, a gaping hole in his chest that nothing seemed to fill and patch back up again.
"Should I look for her?" she asked.
He gave her a sad, drawn smile and brushed his nose with hers a moment. "If you want to. When you're ready. She wouldn't hold it against you if you needed time before you try. You know how much she loves you."And if it bothered her enough, she'd come see you herself, he didn't add. What could possibly keep a mother from her child if its what she wanted most? Especially if that mother were as all-powerful as Jinju's. But he wouldn't put that weight on her.
Reagan would either allow herself to be found, or find Jinju herself. If it was what she wanted.
Meanwhile, his girl was here and he was in need of her strength and her care. He shifted and lined himself at her side, enjoying the way the frost and cold melted away from his coat at the heat of her body. He sighed, content in this moment, and settled his cheek against her neck. "I love you, Jinju. I'm sorry I'm not always that great at showing it. I'll keep trying to be better for you."
Though she’s glad to see him release some of the tension that held him down, she’s worried and pained by what caused it. Was it really that much of deal that she voiced out that she would stay? Did it matter that much to him? Or was it simply because of her siblings and all other’s that had walked out.
But Jinju had lost parents before, or better said, she had lost a mother twice. Not that she could call her biological dam a mother, other than that she had given her life, but it sure was the plain truth. Lexa had disappeared with the reckoning and now Reagan was about to slip through her grasp too. Ruan was the only one she still could reach out too. Of course she clung to that desperately. But like that Jinju was eager to look for Reagan too. She wanted and needed to have the gray and emerald mare in her life. ”I want to” she replies after a short pause, her ruby gaze on his icy blue one, afraid to see him disapprove.
She would have to admit that his words soothed her, though the pain in her heart didn’t go away just like that. Perhaps if she still had been a child, oblivious to so many things in the world, but she was not. Not anymore. And it seemed like Ruan finally had come to realise that. Yes she still needed and longed for his support and attention and care, but she was old enough to not be kept in the dark. She could be there for hím too, but only if he let her.
As he presses himself up at her side, much like she had once done while hiding underneath those magnificent wings, she stays silent. The cold makes a shiver run down her spine, but it did not make her pull away. Jinju bends her neck, trapping his head a bit as she muzzles his neck just behind his head. More she could not reach in this position.
Finally, finally he allowed her near again. She had longed to be back in his embrace right from the moment she had left Beqanna behind for a short while. Finally he had come to her and accepted her apology. ”Don’t be dad. I know you do” she answers softly, pulling back from her embrace though still allowing him to keep his head resting against her. With a slight bend neck she can look at him out of the corner of her eye, a small smile on her lips. ”I love you too. I couldn’t have wished for a better father, I’m still grateful that mom found me and brought me home..”
She too missed their not so little family, deeply even. She knew that he knew she did, so what was the point of hiding it? If it hadn’t been Reagan who found her, she would probably have never met Ruan like this. And on top of that Reagan had been the best mother she could have wished for.
