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  • Beqanna

    COTY

    Assailant -- Year 226

    QOTY

    "But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura


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    LEVI
    #1
    Little fire-twin, I see you. Let's make our daddies proud, hmm?

    Roleplay-style, though if you're in the mood for something brief I won't be against using stats alone Wink
    No true consequence, just youthful pride at stake here
    You'll be going first
    Standard thread length (no longer than 3 posts)

    Stats
    15'0"
    Anglo-Arabian hybrid
    Wolf Shifting
    White Fire Manipulation

    Battle Stats
    strength: 8
    speed: 4
    agility: 5
    intuition: 2
    accuracy: 3
    experience: 1
    [Image: sScEgld.png]
    #2
    Well, if you insist. 

    Stats:
    17.2
    Hybrid (I play him as a heavy draft cross like his father)
    Immortality
    Pyrokinesis

    Battle Stats:
    strength: 4
    speed: 6
    agility: 7
    intuition: 3
    accuracy: 4
    experience: 1

    ooc: I will edit with a post. Be warned, last time I fought a battle I was 14... so I'm probably pretty rusty! But this will be good practice.
    #3


    His name floats on the wind. A voice young and strong calls him from solitude, a challenge to be met. The dark stallion has never before turned down a challenge, never before has he been given one. It is almost eerie to him - the way the havoc he had caused been so neat and nearly completely lacking retribution.

    He had been ready to fight, on that night in Hayline a year ago. 
    He had been ready to blood and be blooded.
    But king nor princeling had risen to resist him. His red flames had galloped across the hills of that land at his whim - but soon they had taken on their own life. That's what he loved about the fire, she had a mind of her own.

    But this blue boy is ready for a challenge. 

    So, Levi's mismatched eyes evaluate his peer from across the dry divide. He notes the way the hardened clay holds his weight without give, unlike the soft earth of Tephra. He keeps his mass evenly dispersed on all for of his thick legs, ready to move quickly when the time comes. He was agile, far quicker than one would suspect a stallion his size to be, and he planned on using that to his advantage. But first, he takes in the picture Longclaw makes. The ivory incisors of the other, the way they come to a point and press into the blue of his soft lower lip, catches his eye. And for a moment, the curve of that lower lip reminds him of someone else. 

    But he keeps his mind focused on the task at hand. He has spent countless hours practicing and honing his craft in solitude and this chance to practice with more intensity than ever before has the adrenaline surging through his veins. 

    On ether side of his broad shoulders, a tongue of flame materializes. Each flame spirals supernaturally with no fuel other than his magic and the oxygen from the air. But they stay in their place, at the ready. For his first attack, he returns to something he has done before - something dependable. The deep burnt red of his coat glows with a haunting orange underglow as the earth around him is covered in a sheet of thin flame.  Quickly, crackling and hissing, the sheet of flame spreads towards his opponent in an arch. It stays low to the ground like a sheet of ice, roaring towards Longclaw's hooves (or paws) in a superheated wave. Beside each of Levi's shoulders the two flames quiver with harnessed life. 

    Unless this colt can not be burned (a question Levi wants to answer quickly) he will have to move or counter in some way. This is what he waits for, the dropping of focus, a glance down, up, or away. Then he releases the flames at his shoulders, and they spiral with brilliance towards his peer.

    The sheet of fame covering the clay battleground dissipates, the projectiles whistle towards their mark and Levi feels a prickling form of happiness, or at least purpose, in his chest. 

    Levi
    so scream you, out from behind the bitter ache.



    @[Longclaw] Oops, guess you can't edit on this board... which makes sense. I hope this is alright! This one has a little intro, so the others won't be so long.
    [Image: BQLevipagedoll-DONE.png]
    #4
    Don't be afraid when the night wolves cry,
    feast on their bones, suck the marrow dry.
    It always seems to begin this way. Harmless enough in the moment, Levi is squared and assessing him some distance away, their eyes lingering upon each other as if wordless interaction will somehow determine the winner here. It won’t, of course, but all the same Longclaw pulls one-half of his mouth up into an energetic smirk for appearances sake before his opponent shifts.

    Instinct and all that glorious time spent in the wastes of Pangea kick in.

    The ground beneath him is familiar, hard-packed and lifeless, and as Levi places himself subtly so does he - keeping the boy directly to the fore of his vision. He’s limited in the use of his powers here; one gift cannot be utilized in conjunction with the other, so he begins by shifting his eyes, his nose first. Even from afar Longclaw can smell him with the hint of a breeze - a mingling of excitement, (rash maneuvers are to be expected) trepidation, and something else .. He can’t be sure. What he can be sure of is that the boy has started eagerly enough, he can see the spirals of flame, what direction they are twisting in, with his keen vision and can also see that from beneath the behemoth’s feet another trick is flickering to light.

    His face returns to normalcy, even the fangs must go for they, too, are a part of his wolf persona. They could chase each other all day with this back-and-forth fire-taunting and no doubt that’s what Levi intends by sending his flame freely out; to keep Claw from coming closer. Longclaw, however, has other plans. The sheet of fire Levi has produced spurs him to action and - taking a note from his recent visit to their shared kingdom - he simply materializes his own stratum of blue-white flame which hovers above the earth like a motionless surfboard and leaps, as if climbing a single step, upon it. At the same moment Levi’s layer of flame sizzles out beneath his craft and with a confused glance upwards, Longclaw understands the scent he could not place before.

    Deception. The other pyromancer’s red-hot coils barrel towards him and, unthinkingly, he sends out two options of defence: to the left of him he builds a up a quick wall of blue inferno, to the right, a wider-mouthed spiral spinning in the counter direction of Levi’s that intends to swallow his flame-spear and counteract its motion with his own. His rushed plan is partially successful; the wall of flame cannot stop it’s own element and so Levi’s projectile pierces the veil and strikes Longclaw along his neck and over his left shoulder. He snarls upon impact, the force of the matter moving him and his own fireboard a few feet to the right but it’s all for the better: his second option has succeeded in slowing the other spear and keeping it out of range from striking him.

    He’s feverish to extinguish any flames and in thinking that, leaps from his mobile object and douses all of his fire-inducing power. Mid-air horse turns to wolf and with a writhing sort of urgency he rolls in the dirt to snuff out what hasn’t already seared his flesh. He knows (even as he twists up once more to shift again) that any time taken to stop another burning could be turned against him. Levi is now situated ahead and to the left, so much so that the blue horse must turn his head to view him once more. A snap of his teeth and then he’s switching direction, moving towards Levi in a labored trot that has his flesh screaming with every step, but he only grates his teeth together again, billows his nostrils and yells, “That’s all?!!”

    A ploy of his own, perhaps, to keep the other boy’s attention focused on him while he summons his gift once more. At the end of his short speech he rouses a wall of flame again, this time sprouting up directly behind the mottled bay. With roaring life it spreads as wide arms in an arc from all sides, encircling the two faster than it takes Longclaw to draw another ragged breath. No debating it - the release of his gifts full abilities felt natural and seemed a decisive move, especially as the wall of flame roars higher around them, inching itself into smaller increments so that his quarry cannot escape … unless he, too, wants a taste of fire. This flame, however, will do more than bite skin and flesh.

    It melts matter.

    He’s drawing on some reserve strength now - the flames are taking from him as much as he’s demanding of them. The two stallions, though, should now be invariably closer to one another since Claw has physically moved towards his opponent and the wall behind Levi is hoping to push him inwards. The blue shifter wonders how much power Levi has left inside to stoke his own rebuttal but there’s no time at the present to wonder - he’ll simply push it out of him if he can. Mid-stride, somewhere dangerously close to a furlong’s length or two away from Levi, Longclaw materializes heavy globes that fall like overripe fruit from above.

    Perhaps a basketball’s size in girth, they have no order in whence they appear or where they fall. They’re meant to keep the bigger horse moving, dodging, always active so that any moment spent too long in one place might become deadly. If Levi won’t fight in close quarters, Longclaw will give him no option.
    Longclaw


    @[Levi] I tried to keep it short?
    [Image: sScEgld.png]
    #5

    Tactical deception is as old as the history of violence. As long as there had been creatures with red blood in their veins there had been violence. Warriors, dark and light, have always used these little deceptions and to do as soldiers had done for millennia was not distasteful to Levi. 

    He is prepared for Claw to use his own deceptions and as the face of the wolf slips away, replaced by equine features, Levi anticipates the reveal of Longclaw's other powers. 

    Before it can get too close to the blue Tephran Levi's first red and orange projectile meets cerulean flames in a brilliant fusion of cool and warm light. So, fire it is. But fire is not enough to fight fire, in this case, as his second spiral spear punctures the haphazard shield Longclaw builds to protect himself. The shield weakens the missile but does not extinguish it; instead of a hardened spear puncturing his neck, the flame rolls over his withers and away. None the less, a satisfying acidity fills the air as Langclaws turquoise hair and flesh ignite. The reaction is immediate - a horse rides the blue wave Longclaw summoned for himself but a wolf falls to the hardened earth. The shifter writhes in the dust and Levi catches a glimpse of his soft underbelly covered in downy fur. For a moment he is tempted to send another dart into the creature's belly... but this is a mock after all. 

    Longclaw's recovery is swift and as his taunting words fill the air the dark stallions lip reflexively curls - a gesture which is half a smile and half a threat. "Just warming up, friend." He tosses back but there is no time to chat as Levi smells and feels the wall on heat rising behind him. He doesn't have to turn and look to know it's there.

     If claw wants close combat he will get it; after so much standing and watching the auburn and white stallion is ready to move. Finally, Levi shifts his weight into his haunches and propels himself forward. And it was lucky he did so for where he stood a large glob of blue flame splashes to the earth. The liquid flame splatters as it hits the cooled clay ground, a spray of droplets landing on Levi's hocks and left pastern. The pain is vibrant as the liquid melts his top layer of hide and flesh, burrowing deeper, only to be halted by the layers of muscle underneath. He grits his teeth as he instinctually glances up, the sight of another glob forming to his left causes him to dodge right. But a glance is all he can afford; taking his eyes of Longclaw for more than a second could prove deadly. Above himself, he creates a dome, an umbrella shape which covers and shields his whole body as he closes the gap between himself and Claw. At the top of the dome, Levi hardens the flame hoping it is enough to deflect the blue lava. It would take too much energy to completely stop the attack, but the convex shield simply guides the sludge along another path, letting gravity do most the work.  And it does work. A blue glob falls on to the shield and slides off, but Levi doesn't halt, slow, or dodge this time - there is not much space left between the two stallions.

    Levi keeps his body compact, bowed and coiled as the two studs meet. Their size difference is more noticeable now that they are so close and Levi keeps his chin lowered to protect his windpipe and jugular. But as quick as a snake his pale muzzle lashes out for Longclaw's neck. He doesn't aim for the blue shifters more vital points, only aims to grab skin and muscle to control the action of his head and those dangerous predator's fangs. He relies on his above average agility to be able to help him evade a  possible counter bite if his own grasp is not successful. The mottled stallion hopes to drive the other back and off balance if nothing else. Levi let's go of his concentration on his sky shield hoping Longclaw is too distracted to rain more lava globs. With out the thoughtful care of its maker, the shield sparks and explodes in one thousand fragments Levi exerts a minimal effort to make sure his own flames do not strike him but he does not control the direction the rest of the shrapnel which flys down towards them with force.

    Levi
    so scream you, out from behind the bitter ache.
    [Image: BQLevipagedoll-DONE.png]
    #6
    Don't be afraid when the night wolves cry,
    feast on their bones, suck the marrow dry.
    Clever. The shifter thinks as he continues onward, eyes watching the formation of the shield and its effectiveness at keeping his projectiles at bay. A glance down again and Levi has finally moved ahead, spurred by necessity and moving much quicker than Longclaw had expected - the bulk of his opponents mass was deceptive in its appearance. He has only the option to grind, twist his right hind foot into the rock-hard earth before using that motion to propel himself into the larger stallion. Ram-like in the clash of bodies, Longclaw too tucks chin-to-neck and lifts both forehooves free from the earth (he’s forced, from the size difference, to exert more energy into the lunge) so that he might feign a battering attack.

    But he’s not so stupid. Levi is king of width; his shape takes up double, triple the amount of space Longclaw’s own body would and, if the two were to fight like true animals in so small a space, Claw would certainly find himself quickly subdued. The seconds flash by in the moment of that promised meeting and all at once, everything happens.

    One: Levi’s neck snakes out, teeth bared to agitate (no doubt) that section of burnt neck Longclaw sports, but Two: Longclaw, with anticipation of the mighty encounter from forcing Levi closer, has shifted bodies and fallen beneath that outstretched jugular; wound up dropping to the earth where the sound of teeth clicking together overhead becomes hauntingly loud to cover the silence of his extinguished flame. The globes, the wall - they’re gone, replaced by fur and fang that bunches on silver-grey hindquarters to leap right and clear of those well-collected, trunk legs, but Three: Levi’s sturdy, crafted dome has shattered and with its destruction comes slivers of flame that find purchase in his coat.

    The pain is smarting, the fire growing, and Longclaw is now parallel with the behemoth. He can see the left side of Levi’s hip (that glossy area of skin that  dips so stupendously into shadow before rounding out again into hindquarters) as he violently shakes his fur, while he trades shapes once more with a fluidity that only necessity can manage - and it is necessary for him to be horse again so that he might snap his hind legs out from beneath him, (which he does) to crack the air and hopefully make contact with Levi’s left fore, shoulder, or girth.

    The rain made of Levi’s fire has extinguished, leaving behind a smattering of pink, puckering skin along Longclaw’s topline that cracks and bleeds as he pulls his legs beneath himself again to cast off into a collected canter. His own gift of fire is close to useless, so exhausted as it is; a glance backwards over his shoulder gives him reason to believe he might be able outdistance the giant in a chase (that left hind doesn’t look so pretty anymore.) Thoughts for a final maneuver, should he get one, though for the present Longclaw only turns his head forward and continues to push past his own pain, out into the once more expanded arena, away from his fellow Tephran.
    Longclaw
    [Image: sScEgld.png]
    #7

    Levi's teeth clash together with nothing but air to slow the impact. He tries to readjust himself, to angle for another strike, but Longclaw is changing and shrinking away from his striking range. In a flurry of fur and musk, the other male is suddenly on his other side and fluidly reassembling himself in his equine form. Longclaw seems to coil, Levi tries to turn himself, but the shifters tricks have left him off balance and the mahogany stallion is left no other choice than to absorb the powerful kick which is coming towards him. He grunts as the air is expelled from his lungs by Claw's hooves as they connect with his barrel. Pain drives up his side as his bones crack under the impact. He doesn't look - he doesn't take his eyes off of the retreating form of the other stallion. But if he had, he would see his hide split open in a hoof-shaped crescent and the blood dripping off the curve of his abdomen. 

    He shifts his weight back into his mighty haunches (where all his power and speed truly comes from)  and lunges forwards after Claw, but his body falters. The muscles in the back left of his legs collapse under the strain of his attempted lunge resulting in his left hip dipping down instead of propelling him forward. The burnt muscles and tendons of his left hind refuse to do his bidding. The large stallion gasps sharply and it as if another kick has been dealt to his girth as his broken ribs are pushed moved by his lungs. Levi's teeth grind in agitation and pain as frustration flair in his chest. He has never felt helpless before, he refuses to just yet. 

    He wants to pursue his rival, to fight him tooth and claw,  but he does not have the option. Luckily, his own fire tricks had not been as elaborate as Claw's, and now that his body is failing him he reaches for his flames one last time. He fortifies himself, standing steady again and taking a breath as deep as he can without causing excruciating pain to his ribs. The fire gladly bounces and tumble with excitement at his call as he lets out a roar which rattles his bones. Without the collected precision of his previous work, the flames reach for their prey in a ragged uncoiling rope, chasing after the blue stud faster than he can run. Levi is focusing on Claw's back left leg with intensity - and that is where the fire heads. Then, when it is close enough to be felt, the rope lashes out to entangle that same back hock and possibly pull the shifter to the ground and end the battle.

    Levi
    so scream you, out from behind the bitter ache.


    @[Longclaw] Sorry this too SO long, thank you for being understanding of hurricanes & Tang's timeline sensitive posts getting in the way XD

    so that last attach pretty much sucked all the life out of him. if Claw attacks again he won't have much grace dodging or stamina to block.
    [Image: BQLevipagedoll-DONE.png]
    #8
    Don't be afraid when the night wolves cry,
    feast on their bones, suck the marrow dry.
    This interaction has already taught Longclaw so much. For starters, the burning boys had a power with seemingly little limitations; much greater than he or his father could ever have anticipated. Secondly, that he wasn’t using a tool he’d nearly forgotten about until Levi had reminded him; Imagination. It had been the spotted bay’s one distinction above his pyro counterpart, the very thing that came from being naturally gifted as opposed to a murderous thief. Levi had a head start on Longclaw from the day he was born.

    However, the last lesson is the sharpest one to learn. Levi’s coil of fire-rope grasps him painfully about his left hind and with a sudden, violent jerk, Longclaw is wrenched simultaneously backwards and down before he can shut his eyes against the coming pain. Stunned by the unexpected retaliation and with a mouth full of acrid clay, his body loses all sense of shape and sense. Writhing, he’s desperate to loose the hold on his leg but no matter what shape he slithers into, the fire grips fast. His skin flashes blue, then silver-grey; fangs gleam bright in his mouth before disappearing and his entire body is wriggling as if filled with living larva.

    Somewhere between a snarl and a scream though, the battle ends. Longclaw doesn’t need to look in order for him to know that his hide has been stripped clean to the hock by Levi’s fire - the throbbing pain is enough to send his vision reeling. That final attack had been a well-placed one, quick and brutal. So fast, in fact, that no block would have been sufficient enough to stay the wrath of Levi’s whip. “Hell of a warm-up.” He groans from the ground, aware that, should the fight have continued, he would have suffered much more in the department of pain.
    Longclaw


    @[Levi]: Don't even MENTION it, lmao. We're all busy folk around here. Plus, this last post is only my defense post, no attacks involved!! Thanks for sporting with me and I hope it wasn't miserable Big Grin
    [Image: sScEgld.png]
    #9
    WINNER: LEVI

    @[Longclaw]
    Attacks: 0
    Attack 1 +1
    / Your attack generally makes sense, though you could have been a little clearer, particularly with the “globes”. “Longclaw materializes heavy globes that fall like overripe fruit from above. “ Heavy globes of what, fire? I assume so because I know his traits, but I shouldn’t have to extrapolate from the info I happen to already know.
    + The attack is effective in that a wall of fire is great to draw your opponent closer and globes of fire will definite distract.
    / The fire globes are good to keep Levi moving, but your aim here is a little unclear. You say you want to fight in close quarters, but how are you guys going to get close because I assume Longclaw doesn’t want to get near the fire globes either (or do they not burn him, in which case make that known). In addition, because the fire globes have no rhyme or reason to where they fall, they wouldn’t necessarily draw Levi closer – they should be purposeful, attempting to fall behind or on him toward the rear so that they do in fact move him closer.

    Attack 2 +1
    / This attack is slightly off to me. If you are parallel to Levi and you buck, you are kicking into air. You would need to shift slightly, or make it clear you are kicking out sideways.
    / I like that you tell me where you are aiming with the kick but to what end? Obviously I can infer because I know about horses, but I want to hear it from Longclaw’s point of view. Does he want to cripple Levi so he can get this battle over faster? Is he thinking maybe a good bruise will help even out the odds physically? This will help you bring up your creativity points too
    + I generally think a kick is effective and the attack generally understandable, particularly given your intended target of shoulder

    Attack 3 -3
    You should have 3 full attack posts. Not two attacks and one defense.

    Defenses: +1
    Defense 1 +3
    + Clever defense and relatively easy to follow. The fireboard line where you set it up (called out below as a run on) was a little unclear but I could figure it out after a few reads.
    + Damage here makes sense given the attack
    + I think at this point in the battle, the damage you mention is sufficient.
     
    Defense 2 0
    / I’m confused by the first part of the defense. You tuck your neck but pick up your front feet in what would imply a rear, yet end up lunging. I think I know what you are going for, but it doesn’t really jive with what I think the defense is actually doing. You are lunging forward, your front legs really wouldn’t be off the ground. The rest of the defense is great.
    + You definitely didn’t need to take any damage from the bite, so this makes sense. It’s also reasonable to have gotten some of the fire shards on him, since those would be rather hard to avoid as you are otherwise occupied. That said, make sure you tell me where the fire shards from the dome hit, and what affect the damage has on him.
    - At this point your damage should be affecting your attacks though. You don’t just push through burns. Does it make you slower? Does it make you weaker? Does it affect your choice of attack? It would affect you in some way, even though you are still fighting. You do mention the pain, and that’s great, but I want to know how it’s actually changing his battle choices.

    Defense 3 - 1
    / Levi stumbled and took some time to regain himself. In all that time, what was Longclaw doing? He wasn’t just running away, was he? He likely would have turned, would have tried to find his opponent, something. So explain to me what he was up to before the fire-rope just magically ended up around his back leg anyway – this almost doesn’t seem likely to me because of the lack of explanation around what was happening in that time where Levi realized he couldn’t chase Longclaw.
    - I have a hard time with this defense. It’s basically straight up submission when I don’t think that was necessary. You say it happened fast but Levi’s post really doesn’t imply that it was all that fast. The fire actually spent time chasing Longclaw before lashing out.
    / Are all his other burns part of the reason Longclaw loses so easily at the end of the battle? I’d like to see some mention of the damage here. I’m not taking points off because it’s a little harder in the last post to do this with just a defense, but would like to note it.

    Realism: 0  
    Post 1 -1
    - There’s no mention of your opponents stats (battle or just regular old height/breed stuff). Who’s taller? Who’s bigger? What are you perceived advantages and weaknesses against Levi?
    / Good that you mention the dry ground, but would like some mention of how that does or does not affect the battle

    Post 2 +2
    + I like that you start to mention speed and size here. I would maybe want to see a little bit more of this, but your mentions are good
    + I appreciate that you give your white fire manipulation some limits and recognize that after all that cool fire stuff he should be a little too worn out to use it again

    Post 3 -2
    - - This post just generally didn’t feel very real to me. There’s no mention of stats, which actually could have helped you here. For instance, you say the attack happened fast but Levi’s post doesn’t really imply that. You could have used the speed stat to your advantage, pointing out that Levi is actually faster so even though his post didn’t make it seem fast, this would help explain why Longclaw doesn’t get away. Though your white fire manipulation was pretty worn out, perhaps there was enough left for some real comeback? Simply shifting forms purposefully doesn’t seem helpful, though if that was just a reflex because of pain or exhaustion, then describe that and help bring out Longclaw’s personality as well.

    Creativity: -1
    Post 1 -1
    - Why is Longclaw fighting? What drives him to the battleground? What makes him tick. I don’t get a sense of him.
    - You mention Pangea but give no details. What was that time in Pangea like and how did it prepare him for this?
    + Your attacks and defenses are really clever and generally enjoyable to read, you just need to be cautious with powerplaying in them

    Post 2 - 1
    - I still have no sense of who Longclaw is, but do love the defense here. It’s really clever, but I thought you would use the wolf to your advantage. You were under Levi’s neck as he shifts, so why not just go for the neck? Because it’s a mock? Stuff like that thought process would help bring Longclaw alive and make his posts more than just “I dodge this way and I attack this way”
    + Your defense was really clever, though at this point, your attack seemed a little bit lacking. It works, don’t get me wrong, and sometimes a kick is totally the right move, but I do think you could have had some fun with this attack.

    Post 3 -2
    - I still really don’t know how Longclaw feels about this fight – what drives him, why he wants to get beat up for a mock, etc.
    / I feel like I’m finally getting a hint of Longclaw and his thoughts, but its not really clear. Use names, they are way clearer. Also why is he thinking of his father here? There’s probably some really cool stuff/influence that that one thought has on Longclaw, and I want to know more. Dive into this murderous thief thing. And how do you know Levi’s naturally gifted – from experience or is this just an assumption of Longclaw’s?
    - The defense here really didn’t seem creative at all. It seemed much like Longclaw just gave up/like you really didn’t feel like writing this last post.

    Prose: -1

    Grammar: -1
    Readability: +1
    Powerplaying: -1

    Post 1
    - “What he can be sure of is that the boy has started eagerly enough, he can see the spirals of flame, what direction they are twisting in, with his keen vision and can also see that from beneath the behemoth’s feet another trick is flickering to light.” – run on
    - “The sheet of fire Levi has produced spurs him to action and - taking a note from his recent visit to their shared kingdom - he simply materializes his own stratum of blue-white flame which hovers above the earth like a motionless surfboard and leaps, as if climbing a single step, upon it. “ – run on, and this one is actually somewhat hard to follow
    - “At the end of his short speech he rouses a wall of flame again, this time sprouting up directly behind the mottled bay.” This is technically power playing. You can only attempt to get the wall of flame behind him, but cannot say you actually did since you don’t know what Levi’s been doing all this time.
    - “keeping the boy directly to the fore of his vision.” – this is power playing. You can’t keep Levi in the fore of your vision because you have no idea if he’s about to disappear, technically. You can “try to” keep him in the fore of your vision, however. Be careful with word choice

    Post 2
    -“Clever. The shifter thinks as he continues onward,” – though it’s a thought, “clever.” is a fragment, should be a comma here
    - Paragraph three needs to be multiple sentences
    - “Longclaw is now parallel with the behemoth. He can see the left side of Levi’s hip” – powerplaying. You can’t know you are parallel with Levi because you don’t know what he’s doing, you can only “think you are parallel” or something like that

    Post 3
    - “For starters, the burning boys had a power with seemingly little limitations” – “the burning boy”? Or “the burning boys have”? It’s a small typo, but it actually makes the sense hard to interpret.

    Score
    Rubric Total: -1
    Battle Stats: 22/50 = 0.44 x 1 experience = 0.44
    (0.44 x 0.3) + ((-1/13) x 0.7) = 0.078

    Plus 0.25 experience points to Longclaw. This has been updated for you already, no need to post an update.


    @[Levi]
    Attacks: 0
    Attack 1  -1
    + This is a generally understandable attack, but the details are lacking. I’m a little confused how the flames along the ground move in an arch? That seems more like it’s trying to ultimately circle him, and then after you say they move in a wave, but they are still thin little flames along the ground, right? I can imagine wave a little more, but still, be careful that your word choice is super clear.
    - I don’t really know what you are trying to do in this attack. Burn him? I mean that’s obvious but why and where? To what end?
    - In addition, you say the release the fire, but you really don’t describe the attack. What part of Longclaw are you hoping to hit? Is this fire more like a bullet in its intentions or just like a ton of fire heading at Longclaw?

    Attack 2 -1
    / The attack is understandable, but lacks enough direction to make it super clear
    / I’m not sure I totally get the goal here, so it’s hard to say if this attack is really effective – you want to control his teeth, but why exactly? The attack is unlikely to last long and so you won’t have control long enough to do much of anything. Is there more to the plan?
    - It’s not clear where on the neck you are aiming for. The neck is a pretty big space, and though you say you are going for skin/muscle, that still leaves a good chunk of the neck open for me to guess at. Side of the neck, top near his ears, closers to the withers? I can infer, based on the stated goal, but you should tell me.

    Attack 3 +3
    + Good attack, particularly given how much damage Levi has taken
    + I think the attack is generally effective. I would like more thought process on why exactly Levi decides on the attack he does (and maybe in this case it’s as simple as “he just needs to do something, needs to end on a bang”) or whatever. Reasons don’t necessarily need to be overly thought out, but they provide some good depth with will add to creativity as well.
    + Yes, I like that you tell me exactly what leg you are aiming for and hope to pull him down

    Defenses: 0
    Defense 1 +1
    + The defense was clear and easy to understand
    + I also appreciate that he took some damage from the globs even though they would have been easy enough to avoid.
    - That said above, the damage is still a burn to the leg, which is a pretty important part of the horse. So, what I want to see in the rest of the post is how this affects his movements, because it should. Does it slow his attack? Does he adjust his attack because of it? Right now, he just keeps on running with a burnt leg. Maybe it’s minimal enough it doesn’t actually hurt him, but that’s not clear from the post.

    Defense 2 +1
    / I like that you were just vulnerable, off balance, and decided to take it, because sometimes that happens. It’s clear and easy to understand. However, be more descriptive with where the attack hit – the “barrel” is a large area, and implies a little farther back than Longclaw was aiming (which is fine, because you can decide where it hits, but I want to know with if it’s the middle or the girth area or whatever you’ve decided).
    / I think the damage is probably a bit much here. I don’t think Longclaw, given that he is smaller, would manage to crack bones and cut you wide open. Probably he’d leave you with a nice bruise and maybe a cut. That said, this would also be a good opportunity to acknowledge stats – Longlaw’s strength is pretty high, so maybe the damage is a little more than usual because of that and despite his size.
    + I love that you bring all the damage back here and have him falter/unable to chase after Longclaw.

    Defense 3 -3
    There should be a closing defense post.

    Realism: 0
    Post 1 0
    / I like that you mention Levi’s agility and how it might be surprising, but I didn’t really see any mention of Longclaw’s stats. Though on the outset you probably couldn’t tell what say, his agility was, you would probably be able to guess at strength and certainly some non-battle stat traits like height and size. Are you bigger/taller? What’s your advantage/disadvantage because of it?
    / There’s no mention of the weather, though you do mention footing and how the ground holds you, which is good. I’d still like to know if it’s sunny and there’s a glare or cloudy and dark or whatever though.  I’d also like some mention that the dry ground is good or bad for the fight (given your pyrokinesis, maybe dry ground is awesome)

    Post 2 +1
    + I like that you mention size difference here, and that Levi adjusts to accommodate. You could have also used this as an opportunity with your attack though, explaining why it’s effective for him to bite at the neck (he’s taller, easier target) with the understanding that in doing so though he now exposes the part he just tried to protect

    Post 3 0
    -You could have used stats here to help justify the damage you took. However, you post really doesn’t make any mention of the stats at all.
    + Well done calling out that your own fire use hadn’t been quite as much as Claws, which left you with some reserve power.  

    Creativity: 1
    Post 1 +1
    + I start to get a sense of who Levi is in the first paragraph, but I’d love to see that carried through the post more. The beginning just left me wanting more details, more Levi. He says he loves flame so when he calls to it in his attack, how does he feel? The line at the end is great, but again, give me more.
    - There are some great lines in here (“And for a moment, the curve of that lower lip reminds him of someone else.”) that leave me wanting more. Who does it remind him of and why? At the end of the post, I don’t really have a sense of Levi’s personality.
    + Clever and fun attack to read

    Post 2 0
    / I really don’t care about the recap of Longclaw’s defense you have in paragraph 3. I already read this in Longclaw’s post so I don’t need to read it again. What I would rather see here as Levi watches events unfold is how he feels, what he’s thinking. There’s a tiny bit of this, but not enough. I love that he’s tempted to throw another fire bolt as Longclaw rolls but refrains since it’s a mock. This is the sort of stuff that helps give your character life/form in a battle
    - I still really don’t get a sense of how Levi feels in this post either. Why is he fighting still? How does he feel? I want to know what’s going on in his head
    + Generally interested and clever defense and attack.

    Post 3 +2
    + I love this line: “He has never felt helpless before, he refuses to just yet.” Now give me more of that. It starts to bring him to life but then you just dive back into battle movements. There’s definitely enough words in 1,000 words to do justice to both your character’s personality and the battle.  
    / I still don’t really know who Levi is in this. He’s just fighting, with only a few hints of personality here and there.
    + The attack here is a great way to deal with all the damage Levi has taken

    Grammar: -1

    Grammar (-1/+1): -1
    Readability: (-1/+1): +1
    Powerplaying: (-1/+1): -1

    Post 1
    - It is almost eerie to him - the way the havoc he had caused had been so neat and nearly completely lacking retribution. – missing a word
    - And for a moment, the curve of that lower lip reminds him of someone else. – though I love this line, sentences shouldn’t start with “and”
    - “Unless this colt can not be burned (a question Levi wants to answer quickly) he will have to move or counter in some way. This is what he waits for, the dropping of focus, a glance down, up, or away. “ – This is power playing. You say Longclaw has to do something, and he doesn’t. Longclaw doesn’t have to do anything, but Levi could “think he will have to do something”. In addition, you can’t wait for an action from the other character (“This is what he waits for, the dropping of focus, a glance down, up, or away.”) because you have no idea if that’s ever going to happen. Rather, you’d want to say something like “he tries to time his attack as best he can, hoping to catch Longclaw when distracted” (except prettier words). Lastly, cannot should be one word, not two.

    Post 2
    - “Before it can get too close to the blue Tephran, Levi's first red and orange projectile meets cerulean flames in a brilliant fusion of cool and warm light.” – watch your comma use. Sometimes you seem to almost have too many, and then like here, it’s hard to understand the sentence without it
    - “None the less, a satisfying acidity fills the air as Langclaws turquoise hair and flesh ignite. “ – Nonetheless is one word, watch spelling and use of apostrophe of Longclaw’s
    - “With out the thoughtful care of its maker, the shield sparks and explodes in one thousand fragments Levi exerts a minimal effort to make sure his own flames do not strike him but he does not control the direction the rest of the shrapnel which flys down towards them with force.” – without is one word, flies is spelled wrong, and this should be at least two sentences

    Post 3
    - “The fire gladly bounces and tumble with excitement at his call as he lets out a roar which rattles his bones.” – should be tumbles, and also horses can’t really roar though maybe the fire is roaring? Be careful with word choice as well
    - Be careful of powerplaying: “Then, when it is close enough to be felt, the rope lashes out to entangle that same back hock and possibly pull the shifter to the ground and end the battle.” You can’t say the fire actually got close. You can say you think it did. And the “to entangle” isn’t quite powerplaying, but again, I would still say “to try and entangle” to be super clear.

    Score
    Rubric Total: 0
    Battle Stats: 24/50 = 0.48 x 1 experience = 0.48
    (0.48 x 0.3) + ((0/13) x 0.7) = 0.144

    Plus 0.5 experience points to Levi. This has been updated for you already, no need to post an update.
    #10
    Wow! Thank you @[Kyra] for such a thorough critique! This helps a lot for future battles/mocks
    Starsonder . Locheed . Oberyn
    Solace . Levi . Firen . Clegane . Warlight




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