11-02-2017, 12:37 PM
WINNER: LEVI
<b><u>@[Longclaw]</u></b>
<b>Attacks: 0 </b>
<i>Attack 1</i> +1
/ Your attack generally makes sense, though you could have been a little clearer, particularly with the “globes”. “Longclaw materializes heavy globes that fall like overripe fruit from above. “ Heavy globes of what, fire? I assume so because I know his traits, but I shouldn’t have to extrapolate from the info I happen to already know.
+ The attack is effective in that a wall of fire is great to draw your opponent closer and globes of fire will definite distract.
/ The fire globes are good to keep Levi moving, but your aim here is a little unclear. You say you want to fight in close quarters, but how are you guys going to get close because I assume Longclaw doesn’t want to get near the fire globes either (or do they not burn him, in which case make that known). In addition, because the fire globes have no rhyme or reason to where they fall, they wouldn’t necessarily draw Levi closer – they should be purposeful, attempting to fall behind or on him toward the rear so that they do in fact move him closer.
<i>Attack 2</i> +1
/ This attack is slightly off to me. If you are parallel to Levi and you buck, you are kicking into air. You would need to shift slightly, or make it clear you are kicking out sideways.
/ I like that you tell me where you are aiming with the kick but to what end? Obviously I can infer because I know about horses, but I want to hear it from Longclaw’s point of view. Does he want to cripple Levi so he can get this battle over faster? Is he thinking maybe a good bruise will help even out the odds physically? This will help you bring up your creativity points too
+ I generally think a kick is effective and the attack generally understandable, particularly given your intended target of shoulder
<i>Attack 3</i> -3
You should have 3 full attack posts. Not two attacks and one defense.
<b>Defenses: +1 </b>
<i>Defense 1</i> +3
+ Clever defense and relatively easy to follow. The fireboard line where you set it up (called out below as a run on) was a little unclear but I could figure it out after a few reads.
+ Damage here makes sense given the attack
+ I think at this point in the battle, the damage you mention is sufficient.
<i>Defense 2</i> 0
/ I’m confused by the first part of the defense. You tuck your neck but pick up your front feet in what would imply a rear, yet end up lunging. I think I know what you are going for, but it doesn’t really jive with what I think the defense is actually doing. You are lunging forward, your front legs really wouldn’t be off the ground. The rest of the defense is great.
+ You definitely didn’t need to take any damage from the bite, so this makes sense. It’s also reasonable to have gotten some of the fire shards on him, since those would be rather hard to avoid as you are otherwise occupied. That said, make sure you tell me where the fire shards from the dome hit, and what affect the damage has on him.
- At this point your damage should be affecting your attacks though. You don’t just push through burns. Does it make you slower? Does it make you weaker? Does it affect your choice of attack? It would affect you in some way, even though you are still fighting. You do mention the pain, and that’s great, but I want to know how it’s actually changing his battle choices.
<i>Defense 3</i> - 1
/ Levi stumbled and took some time to regain himself. In all that time, what was Longclaw doing? He wasn’t just running away, was he? He likely would have turned, would have tried to find his opponent, something. So explain to me what he was up to before the fire-rope just magically ended up around his back leg anyway – this almost doesn’t seem likely to me because of the lack of explanation around what was happening in that time where Levi realized he couldn’t chase Longclaw.
- I have a hard time with this defense. It’s basically straight up submission when I don’t think that was necessary. You say it happened fast but Levi’s post really doesn’t imply that it was all that fast. The fire actually spent time chasing Longclaw before lashing out.
/ Are all his other burns part of the reason Longclaw loses so easily at the end of the battle? I’d like to see some mention of the damage here. I’m not taking points off because it’s a little harder in the last post to do this with just a defense, but would like to note it.
<b>Realism: 0</b>
<i>Post 1</i> -1
- There’s no mention of your opponents stats (battle or just regular old height/breed stuff). Who’s taller? Who’s bigger? What are you perceived advantages and weaknesses against Levi?
/ Good that you mention the dry ground, but would like some mention of how that does or does not affect the battle
<i>Post 2</i> +2
+ I like that you start to mention speed and size here. I would maybe want to see a little bit more of this, but your mentions are good
+ I appreciate that you give your white fire manipulation some limits and recognize that after all that cool fire stuff he should be a little too worn out to use it again
<i>Post 3</i> -2
- - This post just generally didn’t feel very real to me. There’s no mention of stats, which actually could have helped you here. For instance, you say the attack happened fast but Levi’s post doesn’t really imply that. You could have used the speed stat to your advantage, pointing out that Levi is actually faster so even though his post didn’t make it seem fast, this would help explain why Longclaw doesn’t get away. Though your white fire manipulation was pretty worn out, perhaps there was enough left for some real comeback? Simply shifting forms purposefully doesn’t seem helpful, though if that was just a reflex because of pain or exhaustion, then describe that and help bring out Longclaw’s personality as well.
<b>Creativity: -1 </b>
<i>Post 1</i> -1
- Why is Longclaw fighting? What drives him to the battleground? What makes him tick. I don’t get a sense of him.
- You mention Pangea but give no details. What was that time in Pangea like and how did it prepare him for this?
+ Your attacks and defenses are really clever and generally enjoyable to read, you just need to be cautious with powerplaying in them
<i>Post 2</i> - 1
- I still have no sense of who Longclaw is, but do love the defense here. It’s really clever, but I thought you would use the wolf to your advantage. You were under Levi’s neck as he shifts, so why not just go for the neck? Because it’s a mock? Stuff like that thought process would help bring Longclaw alive and make his posts more than just “I dodge this way and I attack this way”
+ Your defense was really clever, though at this point, your attack seemed a little bit lacking. It works, don’t get me wrong, and sometimes a kick is totally the right move, but I do think you could have had some fun with this attack.
<i>Post 3</i> -2
- I still really don’t know how Longclaw feels about this fight – what drives him, why he wants to get beat up for a mock, etc.
/ I feel like I’m finally getting a hint of Longclaw and his thoughts, but its not really clear. Use names, they are way clearer. Also why is he thinking of his father here? There’s probably some really cool stuff/influence that that one thought has on Longclaw, and I want to know more. Dive into this murderous thief thing. And how do you know Levi’s naturally gifted – from experience or is this just an assumption of Longclaw’s?
- The defense here really didn’t seem creative at all. It seemed much like Longclaw just gave up/like you really didn’t feel like writing this last post.
<b>Prose: -1 </b>
Grammar: -1
Readability: +1
Powerplaying: -1
<i>Post 1</i>
- “What he can be sure of is that the boy has started eagerly enough, he can see the spirals of flame, what direction they are twisting in, with his keen vision and can also see that from beneath the behemoth’s feet another trick is flickering to light.” – run on
- “The sheet of fire Levi has produced spurs him to action and - taking a note from his recent visit to their shared kingdom - he simply materializes his own stratum of blue-white flame which hovers above the earth like a motionless surfboard and leaps, as if climbing a single step, upon it. “ – run on, and this one is actually somewhat hard to follow
- “At the end of his short speech he rouses a wall of flame again, this time sprouting up directly behind the mottled bay.” This is technically power playing. You can only attempt to get the wall of flame behind him, but cannot say you actually did since you don’t know what Levi’s been doing all this time.
- “keeping the boy directly to the fore of his vision.” – this is power playing. You can’t keep Levi in the fore of your vision because you have no idea if he’s about to disappear, technically. You can “try to” keep him in the fore of your vision, however. Be careful with word choice
<i>Post 2</i>
-“Clever. The shifter thinks as he continues onward,” – though it’s a thought, “clever.” is a fragment, should be a comma here
- Paragraph three needs to be multiple sentences
- “Longclaw is now parallel with the behemoth. He can see the left side of Levi’s hip” – powerplaying. You can’t know you are parallel with Levi because you don’t know what he’s doing, you can only “think you are parallel” or something like that
<i>Post 3</i>
- “For starters, the burning boys had a power with seemingly little limitations” – “the burning boy”? Or “the burning boys have”? It’s a small typo, but it actually makes the sense hard to interpret.
<b>Score </b>
Rubric Total: -1
Battle Stats: 22/50 = 0.44 x 1 experience = 0.44
(0.44 x 0.3) + ((-1/13) x 0.7) = <b>0.078</b>
<i>Plus 0.25 experience points to Longclaw. This has been updated for you already, no need to post an update.</i>
<b><u>@[Levi]</u></b>
<b>Attacks: 0</b>
<i>Attack 1</i> -1
+ This is a generally understandable attack, but the details are lacking. I’m a little confused how the flames along the ground move in an arch? That seems more like it’s trying to ultimately circle him, and then after you say they move in a wave, but they are still thin little flames along the ground, right? I can imagine wave a little more, but still, be careful that your word choice is super clear.
- I don’t really know what you are trying to do in this attack. Burn him? I mean that’s obvious but why and where? To what end?
- In addition, you say the release the fire, but you really don’t describe the attack. What part of Longclaw are you hoping to hit? Is this fire more like a bullet in its intentions or just like a ton of fire heading at Longclaw?
<i>Attack 2</i> -1
/ The attack is understandable, but lacks enough direction to make it super clear
/ I’m not sure I totally get the goal here, so it’s hard to say if this attack is really effective – you want to control his teeth, but why exactly? The attack is unlikely to last long and so you won’t have control long enough to do much of anything. Is there more to the plan?
- It’s not clear <i>where</i> on the neck you are aiming for. The neck is a pretty big space, and though you say you are going for skin/muscle, that still leaves a good chunk of the neck open for me to guess at. Side of the neck, top near his ears, closers to the withers? I can infer, based on the stated goal, but you should tell me.
<i>Attack 3</i> +3
+ Good attack, particularly given how much damage Levi has taken
+ I think the attack is generally effective. I would like more thought process on why exactly Levi decides on the attack he does (and maybe in this case it’s as simple as “he just needs to do something, needs to end on a bang”) or whatever. Reasons don’t necessarily need to be overly thought out, but they provide some good depth with will add to creativity as well.
+ Yes, I like that you tell me exactly what leg you are aiming for and hope to pull him down
<b>Defenses: 0 </b>
<i>Defense 1</i> +1
+ The defense was clear and easy to understand
+ I also appreciate that he took some damage from the globs even though they would have been easy enough to avoid.
- That said above, the damage is still a burn to the leg, which is a pretty important part of the horse. So, what I want to see in the rest of the post is how this affects his movements, because it should. Does it slow his attack? Does he adjust his attack because of it? Right now, he just keeps on running with a burnt leg. Maybe it’s minimal enough it doesn’t actually hurt him, but that’s not clear from the post.
<i>Defense 2</i> +1
/ I like that you were just vulnerable, off balance, and decided to take it, because sometimes that happens. It’s clear and easy to understand. However, be more descriptive with where the attack hit – the “barrel” is a large area, and implies a little farther back than Longclaw was aiming (which is fine, because you can decide where it hits, but I want to know with if it’s the middle or the girth area or whatever you’ve decided).
/ I think the damage is probably a bit much here. I don’t think Longclaw, given that he is smaller, would manage to crack bones and cut you wide open. Probably he’d leave you with a nice bruise and maybe a cut. That said, this would also be a good opportunity to acknowledge stats – Longlaw’s strength is pretty high, so maybe the damage is a little more than usual because of that and despite his size.
+ I love that you bring all the damage back here and have him falter/unable to chase after Longclaw.
<i>Defense 3</i> -3
There should be a closing defense post.
<b>Realism: 0</b>
<i>Post 1</i> 0
/ I like that you mention Levi’s agility and how it might be surprising, but I didn’t really see any mention of Longclaw’s stats. Though on the outset you probably couldn’t tell what say, his agility was, you would probably be able to guess at strength and certainly some non-battle stat traits like height and size. Are you bigger/taller? What’s your advantage/disadvantage because of it?
/ There’s no mention of the weather, though you do mention footing and how the ground holds you, which is good. I’d still like to know if it’s sunny and there’s a glare or cloudy and dark or whatever though. I’d also like some mention that the dry ground is good or bad for the fight (given your pyrokinesis, maybe dry ground is awesome)
<i>Post 2</i> +1
+ I like that you mention size difference here, and that Levi adjusts to accommodate. You could have also used this as an opportunity with your attack though, explaining why it’s effective for him to bite at the neck (he’s taller, easier target) with the understanding that in doing so though he now exposes the part he just tried to protect
<i>Post 3</i> 0
-You could have used stats here to help justify the damage you took. However, you post really doesn’t make any mention of the stats at all.
+ Well done calling out that your own fire use hadn’t been quite as much as Claws, which left you with some reserve power.
<b>Creativity: 1</b>
<i>Post 1</i> +1
+ I start to get a sense of who Levi is in the first paragraph, but I’d love to see that carried through the post more. The beginning just left me wanting more details, more Levi. He says he loves flame so when he calls to it in his attack, how does he feel? The line at the end is great, but again, give me more.
- There are some great lines in here (“And for a moment, the curve of that lower lip reminds him of someone else.”) that leave me wanting more. Who does it remind him of and why? At the end of the post, I don’t really have a sense of Levi’s personality.
+ Clever and fun attack to read
<i>Post 2</i> 0
/ I really don’t care about the recap of Longclaw’s defense you have in paragraph 3. I already read this in Longclaw’s post so I don’t need to read it again. What I would rather see here as Levi watches events unfold is how he feels, what he’s thinking. There’s a tiny bit of this, but not enough. I love that he’s tempted to throw another fire bolt as Longclaw rolls but refrains since it’s a mock. This is the sort of stuff that helps give your character life/form in a battle
- I still really don’t get a sense of how Levi feels in this post either. Why is he fighting still? How does he feel? I want to know what’s going on in his head
+ Generally interested and clever defense and attack.
<i>Post 3</i> +2
+ I love this line: “He has never felt helpless before, he refuses to just yet.” Now give me more of that. It starts to bring him to life but then you just dive back into battle movements. There’s definitely enough words in 1,000 words to do justice to both your character’s personality and the battle.
/ I still don’t really know who Levi is in this. He’s just fighting, with only a few hints of personality here and there.
+ The attack here is a great way to deal with all the damage Levi has taken
<b>Grammar: -1</b>
Grammar (-1/+1): -1
Readability: (-1/+1): +1
Powerplaying: (-1/+1): -1
<i>Post 1</i>
- It is almost eerie to him - the way the havoc he had caused <font color=red>had</font> been so neat and nearly completely lacking retribution. – missing a word
- And for a moment, the curve of that lower lip reminds him of someone else. – though I love this line, sentences shouldn’t start with “and”
- “Unless this colt can not be burned (a question Levi wants to answer quickly) he will have to move or counter in some way. This is what he waits for, the dropping of focus, a glance down, up, or away. “ – This is power playing. You say Longclaw has to do something, and he doesn’t. Longclaw doesn’t have to do anything, but Levi could “think he will have to do something”. In addition, you can’t wait for an action from the other character (“This is what he waits for, the dropping of focus, a glance down, up, or away.”) because you have no idea if that’s ever going to happen. Rather, you’d want to say something like “he tries to time his attack as best he can, hoping to catch Longclaw when distracted” (except prettier words). Lastly, cannot should be one word, not two.
<i>Post 2</i>
- “Before it can get too close to the blue Tephran<font color=red>,</font> Levi's first red and orange projectile meets cerulean flames in a brilliant fusion of cool and warm light.” – watch your comma use. Sometimes you seem to almost have too many, and then like here, it’s hard to understand the sentence without it
- “None the less, a satisfying acidity fills the air as Langclaws turquoise hair and flesh ignite. “ – Nonetheless is one word, watch spelling and use of apostrophe of Longclaw’s
- “With out the thoughtful care of its maker, the shield sparks and explodes in one thousand fragments Levi exerts a minimal effort to make sure his own flames do not strike him but he does not control the direction the rest of the shrapnel which flys down towards them with force.” – without is one word, flies is spelled wrong, and this should be at least two sentences
<i>Post 3</i>
- “The fire gladly bounces and tumble with excitement at his call as he lets out a roar which rattles his bones.” – should be tumbles, and also horses can’t really roar though maybe the fire is roaring? Be careful with word choice as well
- Be careful of powerplaying: “Then, when it is close enough to be felt, the rope lashes out to entangle that same back hock and possibly pull the shifter to the ground and end the battle.” You can’t say the fire actually got close. You can say you think it did. And the “to entangle” isn’t quite powerplaying, but again, I would still say “to try and entangle” to be super clear.
<b>Score </b>
Rubric Total: 0
Battle Stats: 24/50 = 0.48 x 1 experience = 0.48
(0.48 x 0.3) + ((0/13) x 0.7) = <b>0.144</b>
<i>Plus 0.5 experience points to Levi. This has been updated for you already, no need to post an update.</i>
<b><u>@[Longclaw]</u></b>
<b>Attacks: 0 </b>
<i>Attack 1</i> +1
/ Your attack generally makes sense, though you could have been a little clearer, particularly with the “globes”. “Longclaw materializes heavy globes that fall like overripe fruit from above. “ Heavy globes of what, fire? I assume so because I know his traits, but I shouldn’t have to extrapolate from the info I happen to already know.
+ The attack is effective in that a wall of fire is great to draw your opponent closer and globes of fire will definite distract.
/ The fire globes are good to keep Levi moving, but your aim here is a little unclear. You say you want to fight in close quarters, but how are you guys going to get close because I assume Longclaw doesn’t want to get near the fire globes either (or do they not burn him, in which case make that known). In addition, because the fire globes have no rhyme or reason to where they fall, they wouldn’t necessarily draw Levi closer – they should be purposeful, attempting to fall behind or on him toward the rear so that they do in fact move him closer.
<i>Attack 2</i> +1
/ This attack is slightly off to me. If you are parallel to Levi and you buck, you are kicking into air. You would need to shift slightly, or make it clear you are kicking out sideways.
/ I like that you tell me where you are aiming with the kick but to what end? Obviously I can infer because I know about horses, but I want to hear it from Longclaw’s point of view. Does he want to cripple Levi so he can get this battle over faster? Is he thinking maybe a good bruise will help even out the odds physically? This will help you bring up your creativity points too
+ I generally think a kick is effective and the attack generally understandable, particularly given your intended target of shoulder
<i>Attack 3</i> -3
You should have 3 full attack posts. Not two attacks and one defense.
<b>Defenses: +1 </b>
<i>Defense 1</i> +3
+ Clever defense and relatively easy to follow. The fireboard line where you set it up (called out below as a run on) was a little unclear but I could figure it out after a few reads.
+ Damage here makes sense given the attack
+ I think at this point in the battle, the damage you mention is sufficient.
<i>Defense 2</i> 0
/ I’m confused by the first part of the defense. You tuck your neck but pick up your front feet in what would imply a rear, yet end up lunging. I think I know what you are going for, but it doesn’t really jive with what I think the defense is actually doing. You are lunging forward, your front legs really wouldn’t be off the ground. The rest of the defense is great.
+ You definitely didn’t need to take any damage from the bite, so this makes sense. It’s also reasonable to have gotten some of the fire shards on him, since those would be rather hard to avoid as you are otherwise occupied. That said, make sure you tell me where the fire shards from the dome hit, and what affect the damage has on him.
- At this point your damage should be affecting your attacks though. You don’t just push through burns. Does it make you slower? Does it make you weaker? Does it affect your choice of attack? It would affect you in some way, even though you are still fighting. You do mention the pain, and that’s great, but I want to know how it’s actually changing his battle choices.
<i>Defense 3</i> - 1
/ Levi stumbled and took some time to regain himself. In all that time, what was Longclaw doing? He wasn’t just running away, was he? He likely would have turned, would have tried to find his opponent, something. So explain to me what he was up to before the fire-rope just magically ended up around his back leg anyway – this almost doesn’t seem likely to me because of the lack of explanation around what was happening in that time where Levi realized he couldn’t chase Longclaw.
- I have a hard time with this defense. It’s basically straight up submission when I don’t think that was necessary. You say it happened fast but Levi’s post really doesn’t imply that it was all that fast. The fire actually spent time chasing Longclaw before lashing out.
/ Are all his other burns part of the reason Longclaw loses so easily at the end of the battle? I’d like to see some mention of the damage here. I’m not taking points off because it’s a little harder in the last post to do this with just a defense, but would like to note it.
<b>Realism: 0</b>
<i>Post 1</i> -1
- There’s no mention of your opponents stats (battle or just regular old height/breed stuff). Who’s taller? Who’s bigger? What are you perceived advantages and weaknesses against Levi?
/ Good that you mention the dry ground, but would like some mention of how that does or does not affect the battle
<i>Post 2</i> +2
+ I like that you start to mention speed and size here. I would maybe want to see a little bit more of this, but your mentions are good
+ I appreciate that you give your white fire manipulation some limits and recognize that after all that cool fire stuff he should be a little too worn out to use it again
<i>Post 3</i> -2
- - This post just generally didn’t feel very real to me. There’s no mention of stats, which actually could have helped you here. For instance, you say the attack happened fast but Levi’s post doesn’t really imply that. You could have used the speed stat to your advantage, pointing out that Levi is actually faster so even though his post didn’t make it seem fast, this would help explain why Longclaw doesn’t get away. Though your white fire manipulation was pretty worn out, perhaps there was enough left for some real comeback? Simply shifting forms purposefully doesn’t seem helpful, though if that was just a reflex because of pain or exhaustion, then describe that and help bring out Longclaw’s personality as well.
<b>Creativity: -1 </b>
<i>Post 1</i> -1
- Why is Longclaw fighting? What drives him to the battleground? What makes him tick. I don’t get a sense of him.
- You mention Pangea but give no details. What was that time in Pangea like and how did it prepare him for this?
+ Your attacks and defenses are really clever and generally enjoyable to read, you just need to be cautious with powerplaying in them
<i>Post 2</i> - 1
- I still have no sense of who Longclaw is, but do love the defense here. It’s really clever, but I thought you would use the wolf to your advantage. You were under Levi’s neck as he shifts, so why not just go for the neck? Because it’s a mock? Stuff like that thought process would help bring Longclaw alive and make his posts more than just “I dodge this way and I attack this way”
+ Your defense was really clever, though at this point, your attack seemed a little bit lacking. It works, don’t get me wrong, and sometimes a kick is totally the right move, but I do think you could have had some fun with this attack.
<i>Post 3</i> -2
- I still really don’t know how Longclaw feels about this fight – what drives him, why he wants to get beat up for a mock, etc.
/ I feel like I’m finally getting a hint of Longclaw and his thoughts, but its not really clear. Use names, they are way clearer. Also why is he thinking of his father here? There’s probably some really cool stuff/influence that that one thought has on Longclaw, and I want to know more. Dive into this murderous thief thing. And how do you know Levi’s naturally gifted – from experience or is this just an assumption of Longclaw’s?
- The defense here really didn’t seem creative at all. It seemed much like Longclaw just gave up/like you really didn’t feel like writing this last post.
<b>Prose: -1 </b>
Grammar: -1
Readability: +1
Powerplaying: -1
<i>Post 1</i>
- “What he can be sure of is that the boy has started eagerly enough, he can see the spirals of flame, what direction they are twisting in, with his keen vision and can also see that from beneath the behemoth’s feet another trick is flickering to light.” – run on
- “The sheet of fire Levi has produced spurs him to action and - taking a note from his recent visit to their shared kingdom - he simply materializes his own stratum of blue-white flame which hovers above the earth like a motionless surfboard and leaps, as if climbing a single step, upon it. “ – run on, and this one is actually somewhat hard to follow
- “At the end of his short speech he rouses a wall of flame again, this time sprouting up directly behind the mottled bay.” This is technically power playing. You can only attempt to get the wall of flame behind him, but cannot say you actually did since you don’t know what Levi’s been doing all this time.
- “keeping the boy directly to the fore of his vision.” – this is power playing. You can’t keep Levi in the fore of your vision because you have no idea if he’s about to disappear, technically. You can “try to” keep him in the fore of your vision, however. Be careful with word choice
<i>Post 2</i>
-“Clever. The shifter thinks as he continues onward,” – though it’s a thought, “clever.” is a fragment, should be a comma here
- Paragraph three needs to be multiple sentences
- “Longclaw is now parallel with the behemoth. He can see the left side of Levi’s hip” – powerplaying. You can’t know you are parallel with Levi because you don’t know what he’s doing, you can only “think you are parallel” or something like that
<i>Post 3</i>
- “For starters, the burning boys had a power with seemingly little limitations” – “the burning boy”? Or “the burning boys have”? It’s a small typo, but it actually makes the sense hard to interpret.
<b>Score </b>
Rubric Total: -1
Battle Stats: 22/50 = 0.44 x 1 experience = 0.44
(0.44 x 0.3) + ((-1/13) x 0.7) = <b>0.078</b>
<i>Plus 0.25 experience points to Longclaw. This has been updated for you already, no need to post an update.</i>
<b><u>@[Levi]</u></b>
<b>Attacks: 0</b>
<i>Attack 1</i> -1
+ This is a generally understandable attack, but the details are lacking. I’m a little confused how the flames along the ground move in an arch? That seems more like it’s trying to ultimately circle him, and then after you say they move in a wave, but they are still thin little flames along the ground, right? I can imagine wave a little more, but still, be careful that your word choice is super clear.
- I don’t really know what you are trying to do in this attack. Burn him? I mean that’s obvious but why and where? To what end?
- In addition, you say the release the fire, but you really don’t describe the attack. What part of Longclaw are you hoping to hit? Is this fire more like a bullet in its intentions or just like a ton of fire heading at Longclaw?
<i>Attack 2</i> -1
/ The attack is understandable, but lacks enough direction to make it super clear
/ I’m not sure I totally get the goal here, so it’s hard to say if this attack is really effective – you want to control his teeth, but why exactly? The attack is unlikely to last long and so you won’t have control long enough to do much of anything. Is there more to the plan?
- It’s not clear <i>where</i> on the neck you are aiming for. The neck is a pretty big space, and though you say you are going for skin/muscle, that still leaves a good chunk of the neck open for me to guess at. Side of the neck, top near his ears, closers to the withers? I can infer, based on the stated goal, but you should tell me.
<i>Attack 3</i> +3
+ Good attack, particularly given how much damage Levi has taken
+ I think the attack is generally effective. I would like more thought process on why exactly Levi decides on the attack he does (and maybe in this case it’s as simple as “he just needs to do something, needs to end on a bang”) or whatever. Reasons don’t necessarily need to be overly thought out, but they provide some good depth with will add to creativity as well.
+ Yes, I like that you tell me exactly what leg you are aiming for and hope to pull him down
<b>Defenses: 0 </b>
<i>Defense 1</i> +1
+ The defense was clear and easy to understand
+ I also appreciate that he took some damage from the globs even though they would have been easy enough to avoid.
- That said above, the damage is still a burn to the leg, which is a pretty important part of the horse. So, what I want to see in the rest of the post is how this affects his movements, because it should. Does it slow his attack? Does he adjust his attack because of it? Right now, he just keeps on running with a burnt leg. Maybe it’s minimal enough it doesn’t actually hurt him, but that’s not clear from the post.
<i>Defense 2</i> +1
/ I like that you were just vulnerable, off balance, and decided to take it, because sometimes that happens. It’s clear and easy to understand. However, be more descriptive with where the attack hit – the “barrel” is a large area, and implies a little farther back than Longclaw was aiming (which is fine, because you can decide where it hits, but I want to know with if it’s the middle or the girth area or whatever you’ve decided).
/ I think the damage is probably a bit much here. I don’t think Longclaw, given that he is smaller, would manage to crack bones and cut you wide open. Probably he’d leave you with a nice bruise and maybe a cut. That said, this would also be a good opportunity to acknowledge stats – Longlaw’s strength is pretty high, so maybe the damage is a little more than usual because of that and despite his size.
+ I love that you bring all the damage back here and have him falter/unable to chase after Longclaw.
<i>Defense 3</i> -3
There should be a closing defense post.
<b>Realism: 0</b>
<i>Post 1</i> 0
/ I like that you mention Levi’s agility and how it might be surprising, but I didn’t really see any mention of Longclaw’s stats. Though on the outset you probably couldn’t tell what say, his agility was, you would probably be able to guess at strength and certainly some non-battle stat traits like height and size. Are you bigger/taller? What’s your advantage/disadvantage because of it?
/ There’s no mention of the weather, though you do mention footing and how the ground holds you, which is good. I’d still like to know if it’s sunny and there’s a glare or cloudy and dark or whatever though. I’d also like some mention that the dry ground is good or bad for the fight (given your pyrokinesis, maybe dry ground is awesome)
<i>Post 2</i> +1
+ I like that you mention size difference here, and that Levi adjusts to accommodate. You could have also used this as an opportunity with your attack though, explaining why it’s effective for him to bite at the neck (he’s taller, easier target) with the understanding that in doing so though he now exposes the part he just tried to protect
<i>Post 3</i> 0
-You could have used stats here to help justify the damage you took. However, you post really doesn’t make any mention of the stats at all.
+ Well done calling out that your own fire use hadn’t been quite as much as Claws, which left you with some reserve power.
<b>Creativity: 1</b>
<i>Post 1</i> +1
+ I start to get a sense of who Levi is in the first paragraph, but I’d love to see that carried through the post more. The beginning just left me wanting more details, more Levi. He says he loves flame so when he calls to it in his attack, how does he feel? The line at the end is great, but again, give me more.
- There are some great lines in here (“And for a moment, the curve of that lower lip reminds him of someone else.”) that leave me wanting more. Who does it remind him of and why? At the end of the post, I don’t really have a sense of Levi’s personality.
+ Clever and fun attack to read
<i>Post 2</i> 0
/ I really don’t care about the recap of Longclaw’s defense you have in paragraph 3. I already read this in Longclaw’s post so I don’t need to read it again. What I would rather see here as Levi watches events unfold is how he feels, what he’s thinking. There’s a tiny bit of this, but not enough. I love that he’s tempted to throw another fire bolt as Longclaw rolls but refrains since it’s a mock. This is the sort of stuff that helps give your character life/form in a battle
- I still really don’t get a sense of how Levi feels in this post either. Why is he fighting still? How does he feel? I want to know what’s going on in his head
+ Generally interested and clever defense and attack.
<i>Post 3</i> +2
+ I love this line: “He has never felt helpless before, he refuses to just yet.” Now give me more of that. It starts to bring him to life but then you just dive back into battle movements. There’s definitely enough words in 1,000 words to do justice to both your character’s personality and the battle.
/ I still don’t really know who Levi is in this. He’s just fighting, with only a few hints of personality here and there.
+ The attack here is a great way to deal with all the damage Levi has taken
<b>Grammar: -1</b>
Grammar (-1/+1): -1
Readability: (-1/+1): +1
Powerplaying: (-1/+1): -1
<i>Post 1</i>
- It is almost eerie to him - the way the havoc he had caused <font color=red>had</font> been so neat and nearly completely lacking retribution. – missing a word
- And for a moment, the curve of that lower lip reminds him of someone else. – though I love this line, sentences shouldn’t start with “and”
- “Unless this colt can not be burned (a question Levi wants to answer quickly) he will have to move or counter in some way. This is what he waits for, the dropping of focus, a glance down, up, or away. “ – This is power playing. You say Longclaw has to do something, and he doesn’t. Longclaw doesn’t have to do anything, but Levi could “think he will have to do something”. In addition, you can’t wait for an action from the other character (“This is what he waits for, the dropping of focus, a glance down, up, or away.”) because you have no idea if that’s ever going to happen. Rather, you’d want to say something like “he tries to time his attack as best he can, hoping to catch Longclaw when distracted” (except prettier words). Lastly, cannot should be one word, not two.
<i>Post 2</i>
- “Before it can get too close to the blue Tephran<font color=red>,</font> Levi's first red and orange projectile meets cerulean flames in a brilliant fusion of cool and warm light.” – watch your comma use. Sometimes you seem to almost have too many, and then like here, it’s hard to understand the sentence without it
- “None the less, a satisfying acidity fills the air as Langclaws turquoise hair and flesh ignite. “ – Nonetheless is one word, watch spelling and use of apostrophe of Longclaw’s
- “With out the thoughtful care of its maker, the shield sparks and explodes in one thousand fragments Levi exerts a minimal effort to make sure his own flames do not strike him but he does not control the direction the rest of the shrapnel which flys down towards them with force.” – without is one word, flies is spelled wrong, and this should be at least two sentences
<i>Post 3</i>
- “The fire gladly bounces and tumble with excitement at his call as he lets out a roar which rattles his bones.” – should be tumbles, and also horses can’t really roar though maybe the fire is roaring? Be careful with word choice as well
- Be careful of powerplaying: “Then, when it is close enough to be felt, the rope lashes out to entangle that same back hock and possibly pull the shifter to the ground and end the battle.” You can’t say the fire actually got close. You can say you think it did. And the “to entangle” isn’t quite powerplaying, but again, I would still say “to try and entangle” to be super clear.
<b>Score </b>
Rubric Total: 0
Battle Stats: 24/50 = 0.48 x 1 experience = 0.48
(0.48 x 0.3) + ((0/13) x 0.7) = <b>0.144</b>
<i>Plus 0.5 experience points to Levi. This has been updated for you already, no need to post an update.</i>