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  • Beqanna

    COTY

    Assailant -- Year 226

    QOTY

    "But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura


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    [mock]  DIABLE ROUGE
    #1
    Let's see what you've got, hmm?

    Roleplay-style, though if you're in the mood for something brief I won't be against using stats alone
    No true consequence, just for practice
    You'll be going first
    Standard thread length (no longer than 3 posts)
    Lets go ahead and make this a no-traits mock, to even the playing field.

    Stats
    15'0"
    Anglo-Arabian hybrid
    Wolf Shifting
    White Fire Manipulation


    Battle Stats
    strength: 8
    speed: 4
    agility: 5
    intuition: 2
    accuracy: 3
    experience: 1
    [Image: sScEgld.png]
    #2
    Challenge accepted, let's do this, shall we?

    Stats
    16hh
    Spanish Mustang
    No traits

    Battle Stats
    Strength: 6
    Speed: 3
    Agility: 1
    Intuition: 1
    Accuracy: 3
    Experience: 0



    Diable Rouge
    >

    A call rang throughout the atmosphere by a stallion known to him only by name and his shared position in Tephra's guard. A challenge for him to meet and attempt to win - he couldn't turn down a fair chance to practice his selected trade, could he? He allowed his long legs to traverse the vastly barren plains, vermilion soil nearly the same shade of his coat. Hooves kicked up the land, dry from the summer heat, forming a crimson cloud around him. 

    Diable Rouge meets the blue stallion in the center of the grassland, chest heaving in and out from his recent journey. He allows himself a moment to catch his breath, two-toned eyes interlocking with Longclaw's emerald hues. He feels a twinge of slight nervousness - his left eye was not what it had been years ago, and the wound his father had inflicted had finally caught up with him. Could he compete when he was nearly blind? The chaser decides it is best to be courageous, and engage in the battle the best he can.

    He is first to attack, feeling much more comfortable being on the offense. They are face to face for a fleeting second, before he allows himself to lunge at his adversary's left side. His teeth bare down on the broad shoulders of his opponent and he pulls back with a ripping motion, the metallic taste of blood illuminating his tongue a distant memory. He backs away, staying towards Longclaw's left to get a better view from his right orb - if the blue warg knew the weakness of his left eye, he would certainly use it to his advantage; this was the safest way position to be in. 
    in the eye of a hurricane, there is quiet.



    ooc: ugh I'm sorry it's kind of blah. first time doing a challenge post in yearrrrs. thanks for letting me get some practice thought Smile
    #3
    Don't be afraid when the night wolves cry,
    feast on their bones, suck the marrow dry.
    Is it summer already? He’d forgotten how the seasons change, outside of Tephra where the air is always suffocatingly humid and stinking of smoke. Longclaw’s  appreciation and ease in the kingdom grew as steadily as he did, and in the bright, dry day of their mock that growth is noticeable. His breed keeps him lean, always has, but where lankiness had ruled now hard, shaped muscles take their place. Levi’s scars are growing dark along his back, his leg, and soon they’ll disappear too (thank the faeries for that.) The volcanic island has turned the shifter from boy to man, given him a confidence and insight he hadn’t known before - so when Diable enters in a cloud of crimson dust, Longclaw only smirks with quiet anticipation.

    His opponent rests. He should use the opportunity to spring on him and, were it not for their gentleman’s agreement on traits, the blue stallion might. But this is a mock, after all, and someday the young man knows that his traits may not be enough to save him. The red stallion lunges and Longclaw hunkers down on his hind legs, not backing but lowering since they’ve got a face-to-face view and he can see the roan coming for him. The urge to shift explodes in a rush of adrenaline and in the moment claw uses to focus on controlling it, it costs him a sharp blow to his right shoulder. His blue neck recoils, the action allowing Diable to jerk free a slice of skin before he backs himself.

    He doesn’t run, (fool) only backs and shifts that worried face to keep Longclaw in his line of sight but the quirkiness to it all alerts that predatory side within the wolf shifter. Diable had struck the right shoulder, gained a superficial attack that bleeds slowly, and still tries to angle himself to keep claw in that same starboard position. Makes the blue devil wonder … without a word, claw lunges ahead to the right, favoring his painful side but rushing the other stallion as if making for an escape. He uses that instinct to try and pass by Diable’s left shoulder, only waiting to flick out shimmering hind legs in a coiled buck for when he’s alongside the other Tephran.

    For once, his smaller stature might be his greatest asset. He won’t kick high enough for a bodily blow - no, the strike is aimed low and meant for the slender legs that support such a round, stocky quarter horse. If he could hit anywhere from elbow to pastern, he might be on his way to victory and (if his assumption is right, if his intuition and strength are enough) one step closer to unravelling Diable’s supposed weak spots.

    His ears flick back, in lieu of eyesight, but he slows from that quick attack back down to a trot and continues away from the other stallion. Diable would have to chase him now, if he wanted another go ‘round, and though Longclaw’s wound is now turning his right fore from blue to red, it will exhaust his opponent's strength.

    He only hopes that his own won’t waver first.
    Longclaw


    ooc: No worries! It's just a mock and we both get something out of it, so don't feel too much pressure lol
    [Image: sScEgld.png]
    #4
    Diable Rouge
    >

    The nerves that had once coursed through his veins turned to pounding adrenaline. So long it had been since he had fought - he had forgotten how refreshing the feeling was, how amazing of a release it was. However, time without fighting had caught up to him, and this is definitely one of the hardest battles he had encountered.

    All that Diable Rouge knows for sure, is the stallion before him is smart (very smart), and not running after his first attack proves to be a huge mistake. Longclaw sees the chaser favoring his good side, and Rou is well aware the warg is on his way to figuring out his weakness. He tries to flee the incoming kick, stepping quickly to his side, but he is not fast enough to avoid it. Longclaw's aim is impeccable, and he catches a direct blow to the rusty stallion's left knee. Reflexes send Rou's leg buckling, and he stumbles harshly (but catche himself before he plummets to the ground) - the kick has caused a great amount of damage, and pain pulses through Diable Rouge's left forearm.

    Longclaw is trotting away from him now, and Rou gathers what remains of his stamina to canter after him. The wound inflicted causes a limp (he'd probably be hobbling for a few weeks after this), but he is still able to catch up to him at his faster gait. Trying to thrust forward and bite again would take too much power, and with his leg wavering, he knows it is safer to buck. 

    He approaches from Longclaw's left, making sure he is in Rou's good line of sight. He allows himself to get slightly in front of his opponent, legs sprawling out behind him forcefully. He attempts to make contact with the blue stallion's ribs; if he can kick hard enough, a blow to the ribs would definitely wear out his speed and strength.  

    He is able to deliver a blow, but he isn't sure if it had been strong enough to cause the harm he had intended. Still, he moves away, slowing from a canter to a trot, his wound throbbing painfully. He is painfully aware that he wouldn't be able to deliver the hits he wanted. 

    Fuck me. Why didn't I run in the first place? He glances back; hopefully the damage would be enough for him to win this difficult battle.  
    in the eye of a hurricane, there is quiet.
    #5

    LONGCLAW

    -I close my eyes, ignore the smoke-

    As Diable comes alongside Longclaw, the shifter snakes his shimmering blue head out to the side to snap front incisors along the bare, exposed neck of his opponent. There is no block on Diable's end, no defensive action to keep himself from getting struck by those nasty, blunt teeth and so they strike with little in the way to stop them and with as much force as Longclaw can muster. His mouth tastes like coppery success when he pulls back, but it’s a taste he’s well accustomed to at this point and does nothing aside from gaining him leverage while Diable echoes his previous buck.

    The heel of his opponent knocks the breath out him, and Longclaw sidesteps while Diable jerks ahead. Claw’s footsteps right themselves, the slow ebb of pain beginning to spread across his left ribcage with the promise of a deep bruise just so along his girth. The two now trot in tandem, the blue stallion limping every few strides but never seeming to catch up while the muddy roan continues at the identical gait.

    They’d come to an impass.

    Diable glances back and this is when Longclaw chooses to switch directions, stopping abruptly as he can manage to swing left and head in that direction at a lengthy walk. The elder male has continuously kept himself always facing or attacking from one side and Longclaw is set on his earlier revelation; it must be for a reason. This will force Diable to come around on that tender, well-protected left and chase down Longclaw who’s now slowed to a stop, putting distance between them. He turns, faces the roan to get a clear view of his hind for a final round, and waits to see what Offspring’s guard has in store.



    @[Diable Rouge]
    [Image: sScEgld.png]
    #6
    Diable Rouge
    >
    Diable Rouge hadn't done enough to avoid his opponent's long front incisors, and as they tear away his skin, he can hardly breathe - fuck did that hurt. 

    As his adversary catches up this him, he continues to limp. The previous wound leaves him hardly able to move, and his energy is depleting fast. He slows down to a walk - what little energy he had left he needed to save. And that is when Longclaw decides to stop abruptly, coming over to Rou's blind left side. It'll force Rou to come over from his well-protected left, and he decides the only way he is going to be able to accomplish this without a direct blow is keep the distance while he turns.

    He continues to walk away until he is at a relatively good distance, and with a force of energy, gallops in a circle, facing Longclaw head on. He slows to a trot, and when he comes close enough to the blue warg, gives one last burst of energy to lunge forcefully at a tender part of the neck, right below the jugular vein. Another pull and tear (not nearly as strong as that last one, he wasn't even sure if it did any damage at all), and he is trotting away, still on his bad side. He couldn't afford to make the same mistake as last time.  
    in the eye of a hurricane, there is quiet.
    #7

    LONGCLAW

    -I close my eyes, ignore the smoke-

    It feels good - to be right. Diable rounds on Longclaw nearly as perfectly as the blue stallion had imagined he would; turning on that weak side to try and keep Claw in his sights. Forced to use the left he’d so judiciously guarded, Diable is given few options aside from expending the last of his energy to rush Claw with a brutish attack, which he does by picking up a gallop to circle him back around.

    “A fighter, through and through, at least.” Longclaw surmises as he watches the display. He sees, clearly from his vantage point, when Rouge decides he can no longer maintain the necessary gallop and instead drops it in favor of a trot. Claw watches readily, spreading hind legs squarely and shifting his weight to accommodate the weakened right front he now has to baby, before the final lunge from his opponent is given.

    Diable’s head snakes out, Longclaw’s balance shifts to his left and he bends, offering the already compromised right shoulder to take the brunt of what was to be the finishing bite. There is the brief clack of jaws snapping shut, a few moments of irritating pain, and then Diable is trotting away once more to leave his fellow guard to the judgement of any onlookers.

    Heaving, right fore hovering above the hardened earth, Longclaw drops his head with happy exhaustion and lets the old roan go.



    OOC: Thanks for the practice!!!
    [Image: sScEgld.png]
    #8
    @[Diable Rouge] @[Longclaw]

    WINNER: LONGCLAW

    Longclaw

    Attacks (-3/+3): -1 (average of the below)

    Attack 1 (+2)
    / I think I know what you are going for, but your wording makes it a little unclear. “He uses that instinct to try and pass by Diable’s left shoulder, only waiting to flick out shimmering hind legs in a coiled buck for when he’s alongside the other Tephran.” You say alongside, which implies parallel, in which case you wouldn’t be kicking at anything. Use angles to make it clearer. Also, you can’t say you were alongside the other Tephran because you have no idea where he’s going. You need to “attempt” or “try” or “think” you are in that position, but you can’t say you actually are.
    + I would like to see a little more details here about exactly what you are aiming to do. I can assume, of course, because kicking a leg would do a certain type of damage, but why does Longclaw take this gamble? He does say it’ll have him well on the way to victory, which I like, so I’m giving this a point, but in the future more detail would help. It would also bring our Longclaw’s personality a little bit more.
    + I think the attack overall is pretty clear. I would have actually liked you to say that you are aiming for the front left leg on Diable, however.

    Attack 2 (-2)
    - There are no directional cues used here, and though I can infer, I don’t want to infer. I want you to tell me exactly what side you are biting at, where along the neck (the neck is a large target), etc.
    - I really don’t have an idea of what you want to accomplish with this attack. You say it’s “gaining you leverage”, but how so? It seems to me that this would be better served to try and distract Diable so you can move out of the way of Diable’s attack, turning this both into attack and defense in a clever combination. Instead you just seem to bite for the sake of throwing a random attack in your post. In addition, a bite isn’t that likely to draw blood. Maybe, there is the possibility of some minor surface wounds here, but you really should be using a bite to bruise or distract.
    / You say neck, but you don’t have any details here. In addition, you powerplay the result, which you can’t do. You also assume that Diable doesn’t react at all, which again, you can’t do.

    Attack 3 (-3)
    You should have a 3 attacks.


    Defenses (-3/+3): 0 (average of the below)

    Defense 1 (+1)
    - “The red stallion lunges and Longclaw hunkers down on his hind legs, not backing but lowering since they’ve got a face-to-face view and he can see the roan coming for him.” – Why? You don’t tell me what Longclaw plans to do, so why is he lowering himself down? Also, later you say Diable struck the right shoulder, but Diable specifically says he lunged for Longclaw’s left side.
    + Given the attack written before, you did a clever job of taking it. I like the distraction that made the attack hit, when it definitely could have been avoided/altered.
    + You played the damage well since it really is only a superficial wound.

    Defense 2 (+1)
    - I feel like you just don’t have a defense. You could have used the attack as a defense of sorts as well, but you don’t. Instead you just take a hit with no explanation.
    + + You take the appropriate amount of damage for the hit you did take, and it seems to affect you enough in the post

    Defense 3 (-2)
    - The defense is understandable – the directional cues make sense
    - There’s so much time where Longclaw just stands there. Why would you take the attack when it was easily avoidable? The lack of motive or thought process here makes this defense fall flat

    Realism (-2/+2): -1  (average of the below, max of 2 as not all elements need to be present in all posts, should include at least 2 elements per post, however)

    Post 1 (0)
    + Good mention of Longclaw’s shorter size potentially being an advantage in this attack, and noting your opponent’s size difference. That said, your opponent is a Spanish Mustang, not a Quarter Horse. Also I like how you managed to wiggle intuition in there – that one is hard.
    - You don’t mention the landscape at all, and in particular in the first post, I’d like to know how that will affect you. It’s really dusty in Diable’s post, so maybe that affect your sight?

    Post 2 (-2)
    - - There’s no mention of stats, landscape, or anything else to help make this post feel realistic.

    Post 3 (-2)
    - - Again, you don’t use stats, landscape or anything else to help make this post real realistic.

    Creativity (-3/+3): 0 (average of the below, max of 3 as not all elements need to be present in all posts, should include at least 3 elements each post, however)

    Post 1 (+1)
    / I feel like you are on to something here that would give me a better idea of why Longclaw fights, but it gets lost. “Longclaw’s appreciation and ease in the kingdom grew as steadily as he did, and in the bright, dry day of their mock that growth is noticeable.” What do you mean by appreciation? He’s appreciated by others in the land, or he appreciates it more? Appreciate and ease don’t really lend themselves to the then discussion of his breed and his growth in muscles. I would have like to see this come together a little bit more clearly so I can learn more about Longclaw and what drives him.
    / “The volcanic island has turned the shifter from boy to man, given him a confidence and insight he hadn’t known before - so when Diable enters in a cloud of crimson dust, Longclaw only smirks with quiet anticipation.” Again, this is a great hint of Longclaw and his personality, but give me more. How has the island changed him?
    + The attack, though just a buck, is clever since you use Diable’s weakness against him to try and make a hard hit

    Post 2 (-1)
    - -  It kind of seems like you decided not to try here. There’s no thought process or personality to your character at all, just a few moments of “I bite things and we run around”
    + I do like that you finally swerve around and do something a little different at the end of the post, but again, you need to watch the powerplaying. You can’t force Diable to do anything, but rather you can hope it forces him to do something.

    Post 3 (-1)
    + You do finally give me a few hints of Longclaw’s thoughts and personality: “It feels good - to be right”, and “ ‘A fighter, through and through, at least.’ Longclaw surmises as he watches the display.” – I want a whole lot more of that
    - I still don’t know his personality
    - You could have been really clever here, but seem to have let it fall flat instead. You force Diable to use his weak side and then don’t use it to your advantage at all.

    Grammar (-3/+3): -3 (total from below 3 elements)

    Grammar (-1/+1): -1
    - Were there grammar issues or typos? If yes, -1. If no, +1
    Readability: (-1/+1): -1
    - Were the posts easy to understand? If yes, +1. If no, -1
    Powerplaying: (-1/+1): -1
    - Was there powerplaying? If yes, -1. If no, +1

    Outline specific instances of issues for critique
    Post 1
    / Be careful with your comma’s. For instance, the comma is in the wrong place in this sentence and it breaks the flow: He’d forgotten how the seasons change, outside of Tephra where the air is always suffocatingly humid and stinking of smoke. – should be after “outside of Tephra”
    - “The urge to shift explodes in a rush of adrenaline and in the moment claw uses to focus on controlling it, it costs him a sharp blow to his right shoulder.” – You need to capitalize Claw (you have it lowercase more than once, but even though it’s a nickname, it’s still a name)
    / “He doesn’t run, (fool) only backs and shifts that worried face to keep Longclaw in his line of sight but the quirkiness to it all alerts that predatory side within the wolf shifter.” – comma use
    - Powerplaying in the attack
    - “Diable would have to chase him now” - watch the powerplaying – Diable doesn’t have to do anything, but you can attempt to get Diable to chase you.

    Post 2
    - “. There is no block on Diable's end, no defensive action to keep himself from getting struck by those nasty, blunt teeth and so they strike with little in the way to stop them and with as much force as Longclaw can muster. His mouth tastes like coppery success when he pulls back” – powerplaying. You don’t get to decide any of these things for Diable
    - “while Diable jerks ahead.” – powerplaying
    - “The two now trot in tandem, the blue stallion limping every few strides but never seeming to catch up while the muddy roan continues at the identical gait.” – powerplaying. You can say Longclaw tries to do these things, but you can’t just assume that Diable continues to trot and doesn’t make any changes
    - “This will force Diable to come around on that tender, well-protected left and chase down Longclaw who’s now slowed to a stop, putting distance between them. He turns, faces the roan to get a clear view of his hind for a final round, and waits to see what Offspring’s guard has in store.” - powerplaying

    Score
    Rubric Total: -5
    Battle Stats: 22/50 = 0.44 * 1 experience = 0.44
    (0.44 * 0.3) + ((-5/13) * 0.7) = -0.14

    Plus 0.5 experience points. This has already been updated for you.


    Diable Rouge

    Attacks (-3/+3): -2 (average of the below)

    Attack 1 (-3)
    - The positioning sort of make sense here, but I want more detail. You say you are face to face before lunging at the left side. When you lunge, be clear where exactly. You are still going for the front of the left shoulder, I assume, but you don’t make that clear and for all I know you pivoted magically and went straight to the left side. Also, you can’t say you are face to face with him, that’s powerplaying. You can only say you try to line up face to face with him. In addition, you can’t say you actually bite his left shoulder or that you tear flesh – that’s also powerplaying. You can only say what you intend to do and what you hope to accomplish. Lastly, your directions don’t actually make sense. Draw it out, it’s the easiest way to figure it out. But if you are head on with Longclaw and you go to Longclaw’s left, that puts your left blind eye to Longclaw as well because you guys are inverted from one another. You would have needed to go to Longclaw’s right to have this work.
    - Horses have blunt teeth. They could maybe cut a little bit of skin, but they wouldn’t tear flesh. More likely a bite would bruise, and you aren’t that likely to get a good bite to a place like the shoulder. You’d probably graze skin at best and scratch them a little bit, so the attack doesn’t really work as intended.
    - You don’t actually tell me what you are intending to do. Why do you bite the shoulder? Are you hoping to slow his movement, to hinder your opponent in some other way? Why bite instead of kick?

    Attack 2 (-1)
    - I really can’t figure out the positioning in this attack. First, to end up back along Longclaw’s left you either made a sharp turn or a sprawling circle. Then, you end up kind of in front of him but you are aiming for the ribs in a buck. That doesn’t work. You’d need to be at an angle to Longclaw, and that’s unclear in your post.
    / You chose a good attack to slow your opponent to some degree and to sap their strength since a bruised rib hurts. However, in order to buck, horses have to shift all their weight onto their front two legs. With a kick to the knee, you wouldn’t actually be able to do this, so the attack doesn’t actually work.
    / You tell me you are kicking at the ribs and why, so that’s good. But you don’t tell me what side, and it’s really hard to tell from your post where you are aiming exactly.

    Attack 2 (-2)
    - I really don’t understand this attack. You wouldn’t be able to gallop around a turn with a basically crippled knee, for starters. Then you trot and assume you opponent is just standing there (you say you face him head on, but powerplaying here, you can only say you try to face him) while you trot to close this large distance you’ve put between the two of them.
    / Sure, you can bite at the jugular vein, but you aren’t going to do a lot of damage here and that’s a hard position to make work (see below). I get the intention behind this, but it just doesn’t really work. You might be able to bruise that part, but you’d want to bruise a muscle honestly.
    - I really am not sure how you get into position to aim for the jugular. You are a full hand taller than Longclaw, so you need to duck and lunge on a crippled front leg. This just doesn’t seem plausible.

    Defenses (-3/+3): -2 (average of the below)

    Defense 1 (-1)
    - You only tell me you step to the side, but you don’t say which way. I assume you step away (so to the right), but I shouldn’t have to assume.
    - A direct blow to the knee would cripple Diable, especially given Longclaw’s high strength stat. You needed to have this turn into a glancing blow, because at this point no damage you take will actually be enough to inflict the appropriate amount of damage from the attack without requiring you to forfeit the battle. A buck toward the leg would actually be easily avoidable, so if you’d chosen to dodge entirely, that would be totally reasonable here.
    + I do like that you attempted to use the damage throughout the rest of the post. It doesn’t work given the nature of the damage you chose to take and the attack you picked, but points for the effort here at least.

    Defense 2 (-3)
    - You have no defense. I know Longclaw said his attack hit, but he can’t do that, which means you can chose to have a defense (or not). It might make sense that you don’t have a defense here, since it’s in the middle of your attack, and that would be fine if you explained this. Instead you just tell me you get bitten, and that it hurts. That’s not a defense.
    - I don’t know where the bite lands. The neck is a large area and you don’t detail where on the neck, which side, or how bad the damage is.
    - The damage doesn’t seem to affect you later on, and that would be fine if it was clear in your post that the damage was minimal, but you don’t make that clear.

    Defense 3 (-3)
    You should have a closing defense post.

    Realism (-2/+2): -2  (average of the below, max of 2 as not all elements need to be present in all posts, should include at least 2 elements per post, however)

    Post 1 (-1)
    - You don’t mention stats at all. The first post is a great place to size up your opponent and take stock of battle stats you can observe and also basic horse stats like height. Is your opponent taller, larger, etc.? What effect will those difference have on the battle?
    / I like that you mentioned the hard ground, but how does it change the battle? If there’s a cloud of dust around, does the dust make it hard to see?

    Post 2 (-2)
    - There’s really no mention of the stats here, and strength would have been a good one to note in Longclaw’s attack/Diable’s defense because Longclaw has a higher strength stat. It would affect the damage taken here and should have influenced how you took the attack.
    - The damage taken from the attack is so much it makes the realism in the rest of the post hard, because you should just be out of the battle at this point.

    Post 3 (-2)
    - You really should pay attention to stats here. The height difference between you and Longclaw should affect your attack decision, as it’s not going to be easy for Diable to reach the jugular on a shorter horse, particularly with his current damage.
    - Again, there’s no use of the landscape, and there’s nothing additional that helps the realism in this post.

    Creativity (-3/+3): -1 (average of the below, max of 3 as not all elements need to be present in all posts, should include at least 3 elements each post, however)

    Post 1 (0)
    + I get a little sense of Diable Rogue here. I like that you mention the weakness in his eye and that you carry this through the battle, trying to keep Longclaw on your left. I also like that you mention he’s here somewhat out of duty.
    - That said above, I don’t really get to feel Diable’s personality at all. The stuff above just feels like you are scratching the surface, but your character doesn’t come alive in your post.
    / The attack isn’t particularly creative, but it’s fine for a first

    Post 2 (0)
    + I get a little bit of why Diable is fighting in the first paragraph, which I like. I’d love to see more though, particularly diving into why he chooses to fight with one blind eye. The fact it’s a release for him is awesome, but dive into those feelings more.
    / I still really don’t get much of a sense of Diable’s personality, though I can small senses of him here and there
    - Neither the attack or the defense were particularly creative, and they didn’t really work for it. They definitely would have benefited from a little creativity here.

    Post 3 (-3)
    - - There’s really no sense of Diable’s reason for fighting, what drives him, his emotions, or his personality as a whole
    - You don’t have a defense here at all and your attack is yet another bite. There are lots of clever ways to attack. It would be nice to see others used.

    Post 4 [Closing Defense, if applicable] (Total)
    Repeat Above

    Grammar (-3/+3): -3 (total from below 3 elements)

    Grammar (-1/+1): -1
    - Were there grammar issues or typos? If yes, -1. If no, +1
    Readability: (-1/+1): -1
    - Were the posts easy to understand? If yes, +1. If no, -1
    Powerplaying: (-1/+1): -1
    - Was there powerplaying? If yes, -1. If no, +1

    Outline specific instances of issues for critique
    Post 1
    - Be careful with your use of dashes. They really shouldn’t show up much, if at all, in writing. When you do use them, they should be used to emphasize things, not simply to break up a run on sentence. For instance, this “A challenge for him to meet and attempt to win - he couldn't turn down a fair chance to practice his selected trade, could he?” should really be two sentences, whereas this “He feels a twinge of slight nervousness - his left eye was not what it had been years ago, and the wound his father had inflicted had finally caught up with him.” works better as it really emphasizes his nervousness
    - “He backs away, staying towards Longclaw's left to get a better view from his right orb - if the blue warg knew the weakness of his left eye, he would certainly use it to his advantage; this was the safest way position to be in.” Again, be wary of the dash, and then in the same sentence you use a semi-colon too, and it’s just two much. Break the sentences down. In addition, at the end you say “safest way position”, so make sure you proofread, as you have an extra word.
    - Your entire attack is powerplaying, which I went into in more detail in the attack section. In addition, you can’t say you stay to the left of Longclaw, because you have no idea what Longclaw is doing. Instead, you can say that you “try” to keep Longclaw to your left so you can see him better. Make sure you use words like “try”, “attempt”, etc.

    Post 2
    - “Longclaw sees the chaser favoring his good side, and Rou is well aware the warg is on his way to figuring out his weakness.” – powerplaying. You really can’t see this, as it’s just Longclaw thinking. You could see him moving to the right and then guess that maybe he’s figured out your weakness, but you can’t see Longclaw’s thoughts.
    - “but catche himself before he plummets to the ground” – should be catches
    - “He is able to deliver a blow, but he isn't sure if it had been strong enough to cause the harm he had intended.” – you don’t get to decide if the attack hits or not. You can only aim and fire, but it is up to Longclaw to decide if there’s damage.

    Score
    Rubric Total: -10
    Battle Stats: 14/50 = 0.28 * 1 experience = 0.28
    (0.28 * 0.3) + ((-10/13) * 0.7) = -0.45

    Plus 0.25 experience points. This has already been updated for you.




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