"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
and in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times
The autumn passed uneventfully for our little sanctuary home, though to say that it was unlively or boring would be untrue. The visitors have been plentiful, and the number of long-term residents rises slowly, too. As the deciduous trees that dot the mountains turn a cherry red and carefully shed their layers, Hyaline subtly grows stronger, a gather force that shall soon take Beqanna by storm.
But for today, the only storm to take me will be that of Solace (bedroom wise I mean) - if I ever manage to find that foolish girl. That lovely foolish girl...
The tight, high-altitude air of Hyaline's mountain top creates a tightness across my lungs that I don't quite know how to feel about. Though I'd started my trek upwards while the sky was clear, the closer I come to reaching the peak, the mistier it gets. My eyes scan the clouds anxiously, wondering if Solace will be able to spot me through the gathering fog; but she has yet to miss me when I present myself out in the open like this. My sunshine queen is wont to stay by my side most nights, though of late she's been preoccupied with what I assume are political duties.
But tonight! Tonight that changes. As the setting sun falls lower and lower on the horizon, further obscuring me in clouds, I raise my horned head and call for her in a lyrical, echoing tone that travels all the way to the lake basin. There's a skip to my step and a smile to my face, knowing that before the moon has risen, my beautiful lover will be nestled into the crook of my neck as is her rightful place.
And in the fragile cage of my ribs, my heart beats with a naivety I'd thought I'd learned to kill - for I love this darling girl beyond question, and I have allowed her to take my heart into her small, cruel hands, without even a second thought to how she might handle its sensitive, trusting tissue. Naive Kagerus; when will she learn...
She had told Warrick, he had been happy and she had been content. But that was the end of her tranquil feelings. After she had left his supportive side, the world had seemed to darken as her as her reality closed in around her. Retreating to the forest, she had spent as little time as possible in Hyaline. But she knows this can not go on; she is not her mother, wayward, selfish, and spooked by every chance encounter with confrontation.
From the sky, she sees her. The blood-and-bone mare she has most been dreading, the companion she had missed deeply. Solace alights beside her, and words fail her. She steps forwards to bury her head in the crook of her neck, sheltered by dark tendrils and punished by the elevated thrumming of her jugular.
Kagerus
Solace breathes the name into her dark skin with all the hurt she feels behind it, driving the word with hot breath between the fine hairs of her coat. She doesn't allow the other a moment to think that everything is alright. "I'm sorry."
She waits, for only a breath, before her tired eyes rise to meet the glare which must be waiting for her.
"Take me away." She pleads and the tears she had been withholding no longer obey her. From the well of her heart, they are drawn to dance over her cheekbones, brackish and tepid. A part of her does not expect Kagerus to comply. She didn't deserve this - a comforter.
and in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times
Unlike Solace, I spend much of my time away from Hyaline - this is perhaps why I have not noticed her distance. But unlike her, I do not go to hide. I go as a servant of our kingdom. But to say that I have been the picture of perfection since the first step would be a grievous falsehood - so when she alights next to me smelling of panic and a woodland not native to Hyaline, I forgive her immediately - but the confusion is harder to be rid of.
"Solace, what's - But my name on her trembling lips stops my heart and the question I had dies in my mouth. For a moment I can only stand as she hides in the dark tendrils of my mane as if they hold some healing powers; but then I am folding in around her, curling my neck to hold her firmly to my side. Though my brows creases with worry, I murmur quiet hushes and soothing sounds into her skin, hoping to bring her out of whatever storm she finds herself drowning in.
I'm sorry.
I pull away, but only because she is lifting her beautiful cerulean gaze to meet mine - except that those eyes are swimming with tears, and my heart breaks to see it. Concern is my foremost emotion - no thought of betrayal or hurt even comes to my heart. I reach for her and burr, nuzzling her nose, not knowing what to say and going instead to the instincts that move my equine muscles. But when she speaks her final words and drops the tears from her crying eyes, I can no longer stand in silence - something is wrong - something has changed.
"Solace, what happened? Please baby, are you okay?" I reach for her again, balking at the thought of taking her to somewhere else when something clearly traumatic has happened. Speaking from experience, doing so can create a dependency; dreams are not so different from drugs, I've discovered. But when I catch the way her tears glint on the high planes of her cheek bones, my resolve shatters, and I am stepping parallel to her, hushing her once more.
"Quiet now, just breathe, okay?"
Her breathing slows, and though I couldn't be more awake, I squeeze my eyes firmly shut and hold the mare fiercely to me. My magic comes in stutters, with frequent reawakening wherein I hush her more and tell her to be patient - but the time passes and I master myself, casting that downy weight of sleep upon us both until there is no chance of us returning until I bid us awaken.
My eyes flutter open - equine eyes, long lashed and searching for hers - to a softly illuminated scene. There's short, soft grass under our hooves, the same as I'd seen in Tephra not so long ago. The soft light shudders as I remember exactly why I'd made that journey, and how I'd been on top of the mountain today in the hopes of fulfilling that which I'd asked Warrick's permission for... But I clench my jaw and banish such thoughts, causing the light to return, glowing only gently around our two figures.
Besides the grass, there's only a smell of lavender and sage; soothing scents, meant to calm and restore strength to frayed nerves. Releasing my grasp on Solace, I gently press my nose to her skin, awakening her to the dream I've created. Hoping, praying, that she may breathe more easily here than atop the foggy, reality-sodden mountain of Hyaline.
"Solace," I start, barely whispering; I tilt my head and maneuver it until she meets my gaze. "Whatever it is that happened, you can tell me." My face contorts as I swallow, but I soldier on. "I love you, and there's nothing you could say that could change that."
Kagerus wants explanations, of course she does, but she delays her own needs at Solaces request. Sleep tugs at the edges of her disordered mind, and relief washes over the milk and honey mare. She can feel herself slipping into the sanctuary Kagerus had made for her, and it breaks the momentum of her downward spiral. Blue eyes flutter open to find the tranquil world of herbs and soft light, and Solace finally feels somewhat sound again.
She had held herself together for everyone else, for their comfort and for her pride. But for Kagerus there was nothing but her raw emotions. Kageurs had always brought out the best and the worst of her, she dragged the young queen's carefully guarded heart into the light - or if not the light, at least the open.
Just like the first time Kagerus had pulled her into this dreamscape, Solace doesn't devote much energy to observing their surrounding; she seeks out the familiar nutmeg gaze which she knows is waiting for her. She finds it, of course she does, and she takes a deep breath as she prays that this is not the last time her General will look at her with such feeling in her eyes.
I don't deserve you.
She had never chosen to fall in love with Kagerus (although if Solace knew of all the comfort and joys which the relationship had brought her, she certainly would have) and she tells herself it will not be Kagerus' fault if she falls out of love. As a romantic at heart, Solace still viewed love as a mysterious, volatile force.
She steels herself, taking another deep drag of the sedative-laced air around them.
Solace doesn't ease her way in - no fine language will lessen the force of what she has to say. She has been greedy enough, asking Kagerus to take her to this world and leaving her in the dark. She has made enough of a mess already, there is no going back now.
"I'm pregnant, Kagerus, and I will understand if you are angry." Defeated yet not subdued, she holds the other mares gaze as her stomach flips and the lump in her throat burns. She is aware that, in this place, she is at the dreamer's mercy, but an outrage would be almost a relief after the weeks of holding in her secret. "I made a mistake and I'm not asking you to forgive me. I'm just here to say, I'm sorry."
With these words, her teeth grind together as she swallows any explanations which would only poision her apology.
and in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times
There is only a single inhale to prepare me for the force of the words that come from her divine lips in a single phrase. And in that inhale I hear many things, words and dreams and hopes: I love yous and please don't leave mes. But they are too subtle a nuance to soften the blow of her words that shatter my chest like an anvil would glass.
In the molten-hot forge of her love, however, shattered glass is quickly made anew.
The light around us flickers wildly as my breathing comes in jolts. I will understand if you are angry. But it's not anger that causes the grass around my hooves (not hers) to wilt and die. And no, it's not fear, either; shock, I suppose. Shock and fear of not being enough, that voice that she'd banished for these last months resurfacing with a vengeance, screaming, screaming, screaming -
It's only on the third iteration of this command that I realize the voice isn't just in my head - and with this realization, everything grinds to a halt. The light pauses half-on half-off; the grass at my hooves only whispers in the breeze; and the voice that screamed obeys the hand that I place around its neck, strangling it, dominating it. There's tears in my eyes, eyes that stare at the ground in shame, humiliation, mortification.
She was never meant to hear that voice. She was the reason it went away.
My eyes refocus, and despite the internal pain, I raise them slowly to hers.
She can continue to be the reason. Nothing has to change.
"I forgive you." The words are choked, but genuinely: totally and heartrendingly genuine. My brow furrows, and sobs colour my tones as I continue to speak. "I love you Solace, and nothing will ever change that. I told your father so, I --" The last word is a gasp, and I force myself to stop, to breathe. My eyes squeeze shut and I ride out the last of the tremors until at last I can open and speak clearly, though the waver of my voice cannot be rid so easily. My eyes meet hers again, with a sobriety that'd been lacking in my prior hysteria. "I found Warrick, Solace, and I asked for his blessing upon our union." The whisper of my voice is too much around us, but I can't help it. I can't tell if I'm smiling or crying. "And he gave it. Because he knew that I meant it. And I do - that I love you."
"Solace, I have a son of my own." Suddenly, beside us, a colt appears: champagne overo and perfectly real, except that he is only an apparition. I look to him, and then back to her. "And just as I want desperately for you to meet him, I desperately want to meet your child." I step towards her, hoping that she'll allow me to touch her even though she's heard the voice that torments me so. "I want to give them the life they deserve here in Hyaline, together with you - and the father, if you want him in the picture, I - I would understand." A realization washes over me, and suddenly my outreached nose stops dead in its tracks, and the light in my eyes dims ever further. My lips screw into an expression that only says I'm trying not to break."And if you want him, not me - I would understand that, too."
"But I'm not angry, Solace. How could I ever be with you..."
@[Solace] This got hella more emotional than intended, my bad. ALSO OH MY GOSH SQUEE LOOK WE GOT CHARACTERS OF THE YEAR IM CRYING
05-07-2018, 09:45 PM (This post was last modified: 05-07-2018, 09:46 PM by Solace.)
Solace
. . .
She did it wrong.
Everything about the moment was wrong, and she cringes as she is helpless to watch the reaction her painful words create in the love of her life.
"You're not helpless, you proud bitch," her inner voice hisses. "You could still go to her."
Solace forces her walls to crumble, moving towards Kagerus with a fumbling step until a voice cracks the air around them with the force of thunder. The voice is like Kagerus' but wrong - an ugly, distorted version of the voice of her companion. The voice causes Solaces to stop where she stands, and the blood in her body runs cold.
Kageru's storm rages around them, and Solace stands, stunned. As Kagerus fights the demon she harbors, Solace is left to wonder which mare was its target. Its commands strike her in the chest, and she falls a step back as her ears pin. But then those nutmeg eyes fall in shame (betrayal), and the blood returns to Solace's head. She rushes forwards, headless of Kagerus' reaction and the judgment Kagerus entitled to deliver. She presses her muzzle to the latch of her throat, placing a kiss on the raging pulse point. She would rather risk being struck away than watch Kagerus hold her pain to herself. But the soft voice Solace knows replaces its ghastly counterpart, and the words she speaks are a balm to her wounds.
I forgive you.
And Solace is content, as her lids slide down to cover the watery, blue of her eye. She is content, despite the pain of what she believes will come next.
For the second time that night, Solace feels the blood leave her face. But she is still there as another tremor shakes Kagerus' body, pressing her side against the other mare's painted coat, draping a wing across her back. This time as their eyes met there is the keen clarity in her gaze which Solace has come to expect from her quick-thinking General. She can hardly believe the words that Kagerus is saying, but she wants to - with all of her heart.
"Kag, you asked him?" she whispers. "And he... I mean, yes. I mean.." She fumbles in her surprise; she had been prepared for the let-down of her life and Kagerus had given her the opposite of what she deserved.
"I love you," she clarifies, and she realizes she should have said it long before now. Then Kagerus is going on, saying something about the father of her child and Solace nearly interrupts her.
"I want you," she echoes the words she had spoken during their second night together. But now these words hold infinitely more meaning - they come out with force, short and passionate before Kagerus has time to extrapolate any a pause into something which will ruin the fragile peace they have found.
"I want you by my side, Kagerus. I want to sleep beside you every night, I want our children to grow up together." A smile breaks across her face; by speaking she suddenly feels what is truly happening between them. The apparition of the colt appears, and Solace reaches out to touch her pink muzzle to the plain of his brow. "I want us to be a family, all of us... however many that is." she laughs as relief washes over her. For the first time, she feels as if she is not asking too much of someone by giving them her all, and she could swear there was no longer gravity any in this world they inhabit.
"Kagerus and Solace..." she muses. The idea which had been impossible house ago, now laced with overpowering sweetness as she returns her muzzle to Kagerus' cheek.
"The Queens of Hyaline."
LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO HER
she can't even form sentences
@[Kagerus] <333
and in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times
She's there to hold me as the gentle world I'd built for her crumbles down because of my own weaknesses. Though no one has seen this side of me, I know that no other would stand strong in the wake of my violent, self destructive tendencies and thoughts. No one except her, Solace - my refuge, my strength, my love. Her lips against the race of my pulse just at the latch of my pulse regrounds me, returns me to the reality of our situation - even as we stand in a disillusioned dream.
When I have cried my last, her wing is around me, pulling my broken pieces back together - and I can't even find it within myself to care that it had been her who'd broken them. Because, as her beautiful cerulean eyes meet mine with the trustworthy steadfastness, I know that she didn't mean it. She hadn't known the depths of my feelings for her - or, perhaps more truthfully, the depths of her feelings for me.
For a moment, I'm scared that she's angry that I have reached out to her beloved father without asking her permission - but then she is reiterating her confusion with the only words I want to hear, ever: I love you. And it's as if a coolness washes over me from head to hoof, clearing the vapours of my hysteria and allowing my lungs to breathe again. There's a smile on my lips, tremulous, but certain.
Oh, I gasp, as the air is knocked out of my lungs. I guess there are three more words that I'm equally happy to hear - ones that bring tears back to my eyes, though they are clearly happy ones now. "I want you too, Solace," comes my shaky voice, but she beats me to the proclamations of love and promise. Despite our unusual beginning, despite my suicide attempt, despite her pregnancy, despite our unspoken love that has blossomed rather publicly this last year: we are here. And she is professing her love for me - speaking of a family. Of our children.
It's too good to be true - but I refuse to let reality taint the sweetness of this dream, that only minutes ago had been a nightmare.
"Our children," I whisper with upturned brows and a smile that speaks millions of feelings that words will never be able to. I watch as she presses her lips to my son's brow, and suddenly I too am stepping forward. With a shaky inhale, I press my nose to her stomach, closing my eyes and dreaming that I see the child within, the our noses touch, too --
Except I dream of two children, not one.
Startled and giddy, I jolt back from her stomach, lips spread to tell her the good news - but she is musing to herself, with a tone that stops me dead in my tracks. What's going on...?
The Queens of Hyaline.
--
As the dawn breaks across the peak of Hyaline's tallest mountain, the Queens awake in each other's embrace. Shadows of the human-world cling to their sweat-moist skin, and the smell of love is upon them with a ferocity that the gods themselves may envy. There is laughter, and kisses, and wistful hopes spoken aloud about what their plans are for the kingdom. Their kingdom. Though they are fragmented and unorthodox, and yes, bound to suffer more than they shall find peace, in these hours, they are happy enough to make up for a life time of pain.
Oh, and Kagerus tells Solace about the twins - that came as a shock, by god.
I couldn't help giving this a cute wrap up post <3
![[Image: kag]](https://78.media.tumblr.com/2e8039018ce4dff6112c167ec23e886a/tumblr_p72zjit7wC1s5a0qvo1_100.png)
