Shooting stars cannot fix the world; Svedka

[Ilma]

And if I fell, would you be there to catch me?

Ilma

The white mare wanders the mountain snows; the packed ice flakes cracking underneath her hoofs, her visage shortened by the blinding white of the once-green mountainside.

She’s not too far off - she can be seen, she can be heard, unlike the past months. She remembers stepping out of that comfortable rock embrace to meet two new recruits, Briseis and later Baltas. But apart from those exceptions, she’s escaped her own thoughts through flight, tracing the night sky, forgetting the smell that she sometimes wakes up to, clinging to her nostrils after another bad dream.

Some nights Kagerus calms her dreams - often times she is occupied with the other pegasus in the kingdom. She does not blame her friend; Ilma is not her lover, not as close as one of that tight bond, not her queen. She knows that Solace needs her more, or perhaps, in a different way.

They have something else in common; pregnancy has grounded Ilma a second time, though this time not of her liking. Like Solace she has grown sideways and down, a belly heavy enough to reveal that she is bearing life.
She remembers the father - had hoped for so much more. Yes, a baby, in due time; but a father who would be present, who would love his son or daughter, a man who would love her or at the very least care for her. All those things, a mare could wish for, but so far she hadn’t gotten any.

And the worst part is that it’s not the first time either. Ashhal had never showed himself afterwards. She wonders if he knows he has a daughter.

Her wishes go ungranted, of course. They always do. Her daughter is a little star, a shadow of hope - a shooting star that unfortunaly could not grant Ilma’s wish for a more stable relation, but that instead fixes a little something between Hyaline and Nerine. Now when she tried to forge perhaps a bond with him, that backfired when apparently he could not contain his... what was it, lust? What drove him, she does not fully understand. He had not taken the time to explain either, of course. The wondering wolf had left the scene soon as he’d gotten what he wanted.

It doesn’t matter now. The child is hers, not his, and never has to know as far as she’s concerned. No-one needs to know. She can keep her secret, even if it burns and eats away everything inside. Unless - well unless Kagerus has told the twins already, of course. But even Kagerus doesn’t now the details.

don't let the fear of flying stop you from falling

@[Svedka]
If you please, do come and do the puppy eye thing

[Svedka]

the secret of our world is written in the stars

The woman melts into the wintry scene, but even amidst the beauty of nature, Svedka can find her flawless white form with a particular easiness from the vast whiteness around her.

In fact, Kagerus had not told the twins.

That is why (much to his horror, he will realize later), the milk-and-honey stallion does not hesitate to trot towards her, his eyes bright and welcoming, a breathless smile fixated on the pink of his pale lips. Had he known, had he any inkling, he perhaps would have strayed from her out of politeness. It would have killed him, to avoid her for her own peace of mind, but he would have considered it. Though Svedka is a light within the darkness, a radiant beam of spirit and freedom, he is not naive when it comes to the ways of the world. He understands that there can be blackness in the hearts of those around them, and that there are - though he would rather not think about it - things that go bump in the night; things that claw and rip and tear, that kill and maim. 

He would understand, if he had found out what had happened to her. 

But for now, he is clueless as he comes up beside her, already eyeing the beautiful and flawless feathers at her sides that somehow are more radiant and gleaming in the icy world around them. “Ilma,” he breathes gently, his voice quiet compared to the shout of her name across the valley only days ago. He had missed her, and he wonders if the absence of Tahti has created a spring of sadness within her - loneliness and sorrow, which he hoped that a stroll through Hyaline could possibly render, if not for a little while.

“It’s good to see you,” he tells her genuinely, stretching his neck forward to press his muzzle against her own, nostrils flaring to catch the scent of wind and ice crystals on her skin.

(be my escape)

Svedka

@[Ilma] she may react any way you would like her to, feel free to snap at him or whatever is necessary! <3

[Ilma]

And if I fell, would you be there to catch me?

Ilma

She’s absent of mind, as much as she has been absent in body for so long. Coming forth from the caves and forests that hid her is not as easy a task for her as one might think; but she does it anyway, knowing that she cannot, will not, let the horrors of the past do the same thing to her over and over again until she crumbles away into darkness.

She would scream if she could. She would cry if she had any tears left. But she is a stunned figure, the only way to tell the passing of time is the unwanted child that grows, that reaches out to the soft parts of her heart, that needs to be loved and fed, a growing motherly instinct taking over for whatever reason. Still she defies it, but she constantly reasons with herself, one voice telling her to run and hide, to kill the baby and to do that, maim or if she has to, kill herself. But the other voice is stronger, she does not want to give in, she does not want to let the bad man win. This is why she pulled herself from the lake’s cold waters after her ‘bath’ had taken a little too long, before Kag could reach her. This is why she’s out here.

But she may have come far, she is not all-there yet. She lurks on the borders, wants to participate, to go back to what was, and she cannot fully bring herself to it. So when Svedka called her the other day, she had not responded to his shout, his happiness at seeing her not something she knew how to respond to.

It’s the same today, but today she is alone, no Kagerus to fall back to. In fact, she is an easy target, an easy victim for any with malintentions, she realizes when suddenly the gold and cream stallion is before her, reaching out, touching her - acting all too familiar. All too similar to Arithmetics approach last fall, and she freezes like she froze back then. She froze and had not been able to think, back then, and she’d found herself being touched in ways she had not wanted to be.

It’s similar and different, the way Svedka approaches. In a short time, her mind goes back to that day, she freezes, is unable to get a word out, her eyes portraying her fright, but not even her ears draw back. She cannot move. She is stone. She is nothing - and then he touches her.

It’s just a light touch, but she shivers - breaks free from her frozen stance - and then she steps back in a sudden half-rear. ”Don’t!” Her voice is panicked. She walks back on her hindlegs, two steps and then she’s back to earth and doesn’t know what the heck she is doing or thinking or what is happening any more. She doesn’t want this.

And she’s crying all of a sudden; she hadn’t noticed the tears welling up, but the tickle of the first drip from her cheek makes her look down, and see the hot tears make their marks in the snow. So she does have tears left, the realization hits in the back of her mind. Tears she doesn’t remember holding in, are flowing out in uncontrollable sobbing - even when Kagerus had helped her out of the lake, she hadn’t been able to tell her the details, or to cry this much. And the cropped-up river flows, and Ilma is not even seeing whatever the gold-and-white is doing, if he’s even there any more, and she cannot bring herself to look. She never wanted to lash out to the only male she knows in the back of her mind that she can trust, but here she is anyway, fucking up her own life because of one stupid thing she shouldn’t have done in the past.

don't let the fear of flying stop you from falling

@[Svedka] Whoops uncontrollable emotions! I hope you can make something of it...

[Svedka]

the secret of our world is written in the stars

He hadn’t known why she hadn’t come when he had called for her, but he could have never guessed the true reason. Svedka is not one to be easily offended, and merely decided that she hadn’t heard him, or that she had simply been busy. He hadn’t thought for a minute that there could be any other reason. The pale pink of his lips brush the corner of her mouth and only a second goes by before a cold feeling of dread curls damply in his stomach. It is not a feeling that he had felt in years (when the young boy had died accidentally, at Solace’s hand), and it washes over him like ice from the frozen lake.

Don’t!

Her voice is quivering and fearful as she leaps away from him, rearing as if defending herself from him.  Her exclamation is enough to shock him into immobility; he is charming and witty, but he understands the meaning of no.

The smile normally strewn across his face has disappeared. Instead, the expression of confusion and shock decorate the two-tones of his handsome face, sincere hurt dimming the bright blue of his normally shining eyes. “Ilma...” he murmurs her name, his voice uncertain for the first time in his life. She distances herself from him and he’s quick to close the gap that she created, his eyes dark beneath the furrow of his brow. “Ilma?” His voice is a question now, confusion mingling into the tenderness of his wavering voice. She’s crying, and he doesn’t know why. What had he done?

Svedka doesn’t attempt to come any closer, tucking his chin towards his chest in defeat. His ears fall limply, his unsure gaze flickering across hers, trying to understand. He wants to hold her, to dry the tears that so freely fall with sweet brushes of his lips against the flawless white of her gentle face, to hush her and soothe her with lullabies from his mother’s ancestral home.

She’s afraid of you.

The stallion swallows hard at the realization, feeling as if his heart is shattering within his chest. Svedka, for the first time in his life, had no idea what to do. All he was sure of is that he wasn’t leaving - he couldn’t.

“I-I’m sorry,” he sputters helplessly, a quick shake of his head signifying his inability to do much else. He doesn’t know what he’s apologizing for, but nothing else seemed quite right at the moment. He had long forgotten about the blooming flowers he had seen upon the mountain despite the winter’s snow, and how he had wanted to show her. They are unimportant and insignificant compared with the scene unfolding before him. “I’ll fix it,” he begs her quietly, “whatever it is, I’ll fix it.” He rambles stupidly, ears flicking back submissively and his eyes darting from her face to gaze uncertainly at the shimmering snow below him.

(be my escape)

Svedka

@[Ilma] all da feels

[Ilma]

I hope that you catch me, cause I’m already falling

Ilma

Her cying is a flood, she cannot stop until all has gushed it’s way out, and it takes time. Once or twice she tries to, but even when it lessens a bit, and sees the stallion waiting, stammering before her, and starts over again until she is too tired. Only then has she words for him, responding to his own stammered version of her question, and the promise. ”I, he... shouldn’t have... stupid,” As if that explains anything at all. ”I’m not... not you.” she tries again.

It’s not fair. It’s not his fault, for simply being who he is, in this case being what he is, he is simply the man who has always been part of her home, even if he hadn’t been around to greet her that first time, she recognizes the crisp mountain air scent and the winter fruits on his musky tang like no other. Svedka is not at fault. She knows this, and that’s why she cannot comprehend even herself, for reacting this way.

It takes some more time, to shake her head, to inhale a raspy breath, shaking. ”He’s gone now.” Nothing more to fix, except herself, her own mind. To stop her from being so scared of any male scent because half the population is male, and it is getting ridiculous. She’s thinking herself extremely stupid for those basic reactions, she’s tired of herself.

She sighs, inhales, repeats the cycle a few times, then deliberatly closes the distance, her eyes still red and sad but she is stubborn enough to see this through - to give him the hugh that she needs. ”I’m sorry.” she says into his mane. For reaction so strongly. For being so naive in the first place. For not running far from the man who came at her, for letting the muskiness of a male’s scent overrule her emotions.

For everything that he does not deserve.

don't let the fear of flying stop you from falling

Emotional rollercoaster does not know what she wants...
@[Svedka]

[Svedka]

the secret of our world is written in the stars

She tries to explain away the rashness, but the fear is still there - the uncertainty, the sorrow; it still lies beneath the softness of her pale face, clawing at her from the inside. She moves closer and he is even more confused, afraid even. He did not want her to voice to quiver in fear at his presence, to be startled and flinch away at his touch. His brow creases together, sadness widening them with their pleading gaze. He’s gone now, she murmurs, more to reassure herself than to him. Svedka snorts softly, ears flicking back slightly with indecision. He?
Ilma closes the gap, bringing herself to him with a rattling sigh and with red eyes, and Svedka allows it. He does not push her away, but opens his chest and shoulder for her. He shivers at the feeling of her skin on him - warm and inviting, despite the scene that had just unfolded. Svedka’s strong neck curves around her hesitantly, afraid to scare her again, treating her delicately as he realizes how fragile she is in this moment. “Ilma,” he replies tenderly, the breath from her lips warm against the tangles of his blue and ivory mane, flecked with speckles of white snow.

“Ilma, are you okay?” His voice is a whisper, a shuddering of breath against her, hesitant to actually place his mouth against the curve of her neck, into the softness and warmth of her downy feathers. Something tears at her soul - he can feel it in the way she trembles beside him, stifling her tears and her reaction to his presence - he only hopes she will tell him, and allow him to understand the inner workings of her beautiful mind.

Svedka does not move away from her, and if she decides to pull away he would not follow. He is not the forward and confident stallion that he normally is, but he is whoever he needs to be for her. There is a seriousness in their conversation that is too heavy for him to try to be his light-hearted self, apparent in the way his cerulean eyes glimmer with empathy.

(be my escape)

Svedka

@[Ilma]

[Ilma]

I hope that you catch me, cause I’m already falling

Ilma

The white mare is confused, but not in the way she was when he talked to her that dat, slowly nearing with a purpose she did not know about, not in the way he hissed at her with her mane between his teeth, her mind so blank in more denial than confusion it was, in retrospect. He could not mean to do that, he could not be doing it anyway, it wasn’t real it wasn’t happening -

But it was real. It had happened, and it eats away at her on a daily basis. Eats away bits and pieces of her soul in a way she dis not understand. She’s a cracked girl, inside even more than out, and so far she has tried to mend the pieces on her own, but everytime she turns to leave one piece fixed, it crumbles down behind her back - there’s no-one to help her glue, and she’s tiring. She’s not okay, not on her own. She needs someone to confide in, to trust someone, because otherwise she cannot be whole again.

She’s tried to forget because there was nothing else to do for her, and it doesn’t work. Yes, at first it did, but the past is creeping up on her at night. Now that she’s so near to Svedka, unbeknownstly leaning in for the mental support she needs, she confides in him because he’s the one near to her at the moment, and since the longest time ever, there is a sense of safety with him that Kagerus couldn’t even provide before (there was the sense that she could not claim Kag’s safety, because it was needed elsewhere, and she does not think Svedka plans on going anywhere).

So she stays in their shaky embrace, but at least the trembling lessens a bit. Enough to speak, though her voice is far from solid still. ”I thought so. Pretended to. But I’m not.” she tells his shoulder. She hardly moves, she doesn’t want to. Oh, she is such an idiot, now that she realizes the difference between the two men. ”I thought that we... could be a family. Perhaps. Next year. I should’ve seen the signs...” She shakes her head a little, then lets her head rest against his body fully. ”Maybe I’m just too stupid and naive to get something like that so easily.” her voice is still soft - she’s talking to herself more than anyone else. But she does still feel like she could’ve, should’ve been able to stop it - avoid it.

I hope that you see right through my walls...
...you put your arms around me and I’m home

@[Svedka]

[Svedka]

the secret of our world is written in the stars

“You don’t have to pretend, Ilma. Please don’t.”

You’re safe, now. Hesitantly, quivering in the bitter cold of winter (how is it that the air has become that much more freezing in a matter of moments?), afraid of startling her but more afraid of appearing unsympathetic, Svedka’s pale mouth gently brushes at her alabaster mane. The gesture is innocent as he grooms her steadily, as if the mundaneness of it would relinquish any of the woes circulating in her mind. She is frozen beside him, unwavering and unmoving against the warmth of his muscular shoulder, hoping that she knew she would never have to move from his side if she didn’t want to.

In his younger years, Svedka had never considered finding a place to call home. The only sturdy relationship he had was with his sister, thus coming and going at will wasn’t too much of a heartbreak for just one soul. Besides, Solace understood him (perhaps the only one that truly does, though he feels that is slowly changing) and there was no hatred harbored for his many disappearances. However, as the milk-and-honey stallion curls himself around Ilma, trying to protect her from whatever monster had gotten in, he quickly realizes that more than just Solace would be affected by a sudden disappearance. It may always be an internal struggle, a constant battle against his need for wandering and his need to protect them, but as she presses into the curve of his chest and finds comfort there, he knows what is more important.

“Everyone deserves their own slice of happiness, Ilma.” His voice is warm and tender against her neck, his muzzle moving to her withers as she steps further into his embrace, the smell of snow and sun on her feathers. “I would rather be called stupid and naive, than not have a dream to wish for.” 

A silly boy, a foolish child. 

“I think you’re brave for having a dream at all.”

A light snow begins to fall, accumulating on their backs in tiny wisps of white, tiny crystals clinging to their manes and eyelashes.

(be my escape)

Svedka

@[Ilma]

[Ilma]

I hope that you catch me, cause I’m already falling

Ilma

She flickers an eyelash, snowflakes clinging to it, and suddenly she shudders as she realizes how cold it is. Svedka barely moves, but even his body heat seems lesser now that he’s giving it to her (or so she feels), but even if she feels a little guilty for keeping him here and possibly sour his mood with the story that she’s started to tell him, she cannot move away any more. She cannot stop.

”Thank you.” Barely a whisper. She’s no longer pretending she is okay indeed, like she did when she met with Baltas the night of his arrival, upholding a mask that was simply welcoming him to his new home and trying far too hard not to think of... she softly shakes her head in thought. Where was she? Telling of her hopes for her future. Ah.

She smiles into the golden hairs that cover up Svedka’s skin. A pretty colour, he’s the sunshine where she is the moonlight, even if little white clouds cover some if it. He tells her not to let go of her dreams, and she wants to believe. And maybe in the future she will again. For now, she has been flung into a deep Abyss where dreams were all replaced with nightmares. But the sunshine coming from above is bright enough to guide her now, clouds blown away, if only she has the strength to climb.

Svedka is moving so slowly, she barely notices at first. Then when she does, she doesn’t really mind. Does it even matter now? Yet, the caresses are tender and warm, so it does matter - in a good way, something she hasn’t thought she would be able to feel for some time now. She moves her own head then, slowly - up, away from his shoulder to close the embrace which had been mostly one-way until then.

She needs him to known, then. But she also doesn’t want to scare him away because the warmth he is giving her is all she has. She does not even known from what intention her need rises, but she clings to the other like a mental lifeline. Focuses on the crisp mountain air, the wisteria and willow smells that cling to his musky scent, yes, it’s a male scent, no, it is different, they’re unalike and she can live with that. She can come to like it, even. Overwrite the memories of the other man.

”Svedka...” his name tastes alien, as if she’s never met him before, but she cannot stop to linger on her thoughts for long. ”I don’t think he ever saw me as a person, he was just using me. I fell for it... but when I said it was too soon since Tähti... he... “ But heck, she still cant find the words. She tenses a little more again, just thinking of how to say it. ”I don’t think... he didn’t want to... wait. To be together. He just-” forced himself on me. To plant the seed and be on his way. Like I’m just breeding ground, a hull, a milk-bag for his pleasure and his future offspring.
Again, she’s stuck, her mind trying to protect her from the horror by avoiding the topic altogether, and the last thought gets buried by the mountain snow.

And in that moment, she’s somehow more stressed about what he will say, or do, if he’ll be angry at the other man like Kag was. She’d felt it, but anger, wrath and repercussions would not undo the past, or the fact that she would still be having this baby. Most of all - she does want him to be her friend, to like her, to stay with her in this moment - and maybe the moment could last forever, because she has now idea how to move on from here otherwise.

I hope that you see right through my walls...
...put your arms around me, and I’m home

@[Svedka]

[Svedka]

the secret of our world is written in the stars

He decides that he would stand there for eternity if that is what she asks of him. He would become a statue beneath the snow and the rain, there to hold her and comfort her the only way he knows how. It is times like these that he wishes for something more than just his wandering heart - could he not have something useful, something to help her? He has no idea what that ‘something’ could be, but Svedka cannot help but feel entirely useless in this moment; whispering sweet nothings will not change whatever darkness has come across her eyes, a comforting embrace could not undo the damage that has already been done. Even now he cannot fathom what has been done to her (he is so innocent, despite his many adventures and lovers), and could not even begin to comprehend what could have happened to make her react to him (a male) in such a way.

So when her voice becomes dimmer, quieter (ashamed?), he leans in closer. His stomach curls with the twisting of ice that pools there, a sense of foreboding washing over him as she speaks to him in short phrases - broken and choppy - that he tries to piece together as quickly as possible.

Using me.

I fell for it.

He didn’t want to...wait.

Svedka’s heart shatters with hers.

He has been many places and with many people, and the ancient dance of love-making is both beautiful and as old as time. He cherishes it with each partner he’s had, to worship the sun and moon with their bodies, to give in to instincts and be truly as you are with another. It is precious to him, and though Ilma does not voice what has happened specifically, he knows what has happened. Someone (something, for he is no longer a person) muddied the beauty that is this ancient dance in a way that Svedka finds utterly repulsive.

And poor Ilma, its victim.

“Oh Ilma,” he breathes shakily, his heart hammering in his chest. His eyes fall closed behind tightening lids, squeezing them shut as he presses his face into her mane, imagining her fear, her panic. He should have been there, he should have protected her. Something like anger thrums beneath the surface of his gold-and-white skin, his jaw clenching tightly. “This darkness will not stain you forever,” he tells her, curving his neck around her in a strong and sturdy embrace.

He will not get away with this.

(be my escape)

Svedka

@[Ilma] <3