She’s absent of mind, as much as she has been absent in body for so long. Coming forth from the caves and forests that hid her is not as easy a task for her as one might think; but she does it anyway, knowing that she cannot, will not, let the horrors of the past do the same thing to her over and over again until she crumbles away into darkness.
She would scream if she could. She would cry if she had any tears left. But she is a stunned figure, the only way to tell the passing of time is the unwanted child that grows, that reaches out to the soft parts of her heart, that needs to be loved and fed, a growing motherly instinct taking over for whatever reason. Still she defies it, but she constantly reasons with herself, one voice telling her to run and hide, to kill the baby and to do that, maim or if she has to, kill herself. But the other voice is stronger, she does not want to give in, she does not want to let the bad man win. This is why she pulled herself from the lake’s cold waters after her ‘bath’ had taken a little too long, before Kag could reach her. This is why she’s out here.
But she may have come far, she is not all-there yet. She lurks on the borders, wants to participate, to go back to what was, and she cannot fully bring herself to it. So when Svedka called her the other day, she had not responded to his shout, his happiness at seeing her not something she knew how to respond to.
It’s the same today, but today she is alone, no Kagerus to fall back to. In fact, she is an easy target, an easy victim for any with malintentions, she realizes when suddenly the gold and cream stallion is before her, reaching out, touching her - acting all too familiar. All too similar to Arithmetics approach last fall, and she freezes like she froze back then. She froze and had not been able to think, back then, and she’d found herself being touched in ways she had not wanted to be.
It’s similar and different, the way Svedka approaches. In a short time, her mind goes back to that day, she freezes, is unable to get a word out, her eyes portraying her fright, but not even her ears draw back. She cannot move. She is stone. She is nothing - and then he touches her.
It’s just a light touch, but she shivers - breaks free from her frozen stance - and then she steps back in a sudden half-rear. ”Don’t!” Her voice is panicked. She walks back on her hindlegs, two steps and then she’s back to earth and doesn’t know what the heck she is doing or thinking or what is happening any more. She doesn’t want this.
And she’s crying all of a sudden; she hadn’t noticed the tears welling up, but the tickle of the first drip from her cheek makes her look down, and see the hot tears make their marks in the snow. So she does have tears left, the realization hits in the back of her mind. Tears she doesn’t remember holding in, are flowing out in uncontrollable sobbing - even when Kagerus had helped her out of the lake, she hadn’t been able to tell her the details, or to cry this much. And the cropped-up river flows, and Ilma is not even seeing whatever the gold-and-white is doing, if he’s even there any more, and she cannot bring herself to look. She never wanted to lash out to the only male she knows in the back of her mind that she can trust, but here she is anyway, fucking up her own life because of one stupid thing she shouldn’t have done in the past.
don't let the fear of flying stop you from falling
@[Svedka] Whoops uncontrollable emotions! I hope you can make something of it...
