11-20-2018, 02:57 AM
His silence was deafening, ringing in her ears and echoing out through the whole damn forest with the sound of cracks racing across the surface of her heart. Not even a shut up, dummy, of course I do, just agonizing silence that felt so goddamn loud, a nod that could’ve been to any part of what she’d said, and clinging onto the subject change their daughter and her sister presented.
She closed her eyes and breathed through the pain in her chest, through the way her throat clenched and her eyes burned and she had to fight to breathe normally like she wasn’t dying, like she wasn’t shattering all over again into a million pieces. She nodded back, holding Defy tighter until he squirmed just a tiny bit in sleepy protest over the pressure.
Sorry, baby, she thought with little nibble at his withers and a soft huff of breath against his skin. He just snuggled a little deeper against her and drifted closer to sleep, apparently bored by all this baffling grownup talk. She snuck a soft little kiss to his fuzzy baby cheek, breathing in the scent of his skin, eyes closed so they couldn’t fill with tears.
So Dov didn’t want her, not really. Wasn’t like she could blame him, or like she didn’t already know that, was it? She didn’t have to be his, just like that stupid goddamn fever nightmare. She could be hers. She could be Defy’s. She could be Zoe’s and Zynnie’s, if they wanted. If they let her. If she hadn’t already fucked that up too far to ever come back from it.
“Sure,” she said softly, trying so fucking hard not to let her voice waver, pretending for all she was worth like he hadn’t said anything in that silence. “Pick a place, I don’t care. I don’t know any of them.Whichever you think is best.” She should protest, should be a good mom and find her girls herself, but at this point, what was failing them one more time, really? At least she was putting them in hands she trusted.
You’re the only home I’ve ever known anyhow, she didn’t say out loud, not when he wouldn’t say it back. Not when he’d already shown her over the last year that he didn’t want her to be his home, no matter what he’d said once upon a time. She should’ve known better. She wasn’t the kind of girl who got the weird little happily ever after she’d dreamed of with him. She was disaster, and she was broken, and she wasn’t meant for fairy tale endings.
She closed her eyes and breathed through the pain in her chest, through the way her throat clenched and her eyes burned and she had to fight to breathe normally like she wasn’t dying, like she wasn’t shattering all over again into a million pieces. She nodded back, holding Defy tighter until he squirmed just a tiny bit in sleepy protest over the pressure.
Sorry, baby, she thought with little nibble at his withers and a soft huff of breath against his skin. He just snuggled a little deeper against her and drifted closer to sleep, apparently bored by all this baffling grownup talk. She snuck a soft little kiss to his fuzzy baby cheek, breathing in the scent of his skin, eyes closed so they couldn’t fill with tears.
So Dov didn’t want her, not really. Wasn’t like she could blame him, or like she didn’t already know that, was it? She didn’t have to be his, just like that stupid goddamn fever nightmare. She could be hers. She could be Defy’s. She could be Zoe’s and Zynnie’s, if they wanted. If they let her. If she hadn’t already fucked that up too far to ever come back from it.
“Sure,” she said softly, trying so fucking hard not to let her voice waver, pretending for all she was worth like he hadn’t said anything in that silence. “Pick a place, I don’t care. I don’t know any of them.Whichever you think is best.” She should protest, should be a good mom and find her girls herself, but at this point, what was failing them one more time, really? At least she was putting them in hands she trusted.
You’re the only home I’ve ever known anyhow, she didn’t say out loud, not when he wouldn’t say it back. Not when he’d already shown her over the last year that he didn’t want her to be his home, no matter what he’d said once upon a time. She should’ve known better. She wasn’t the kind of girl who got the weird little happily ever after she’d dreamed of with him. She was disaster, and she was broken, and she wasn’t meant for fairy tale endings.