07-27-2019, 02:22 PM
The grief comes and goes, pulls on her as the moon pulls on the tides. It happens with a careless thought, a slip of a word. She had known the finality of her decision when she made it. But the hindsight of the decision, when she allows it to slam into her and leave her breathless with ache, sometimes threatens to swallow her and Lilli isn’t sure how she is supposed to keep going. The child in her still longs for normalcy, the protection that her family had offered and the routine that living in one place provided. She longs for Aletta’s wise gaze, for the sounds of her nieces and nephews as their laughter carries, the security that comes in knowing that she is where she belongs.
But that time has long since passed.
The security, the normalcy, the routine have all been stripped from Lilli and the version that stands here in Beqanna is just an aimless girl.
She can feel whatever has buoyed her, what has kept her head above the drowning sensation of loss and insecurity, leave her. It sucks her under, stripping the air from her lungs and leaves her deflated, lost again in a wave of emotions that she can’t even begin to sort through. It looms large like a mountain might block out the sun or the way a tsunami threatens to obliterate everything in it’s path, leaving only a path of destruction and desolation in its wake.
She trains her eyes on the ground, studying every deep indent and line that carves the tree nearest her. Lilli studies it because she can’t quite bring herself to look at Neverwhere yet, as if looking at the dappled mare will take the last of Lilli’s resolve to remain positive. If she lefts the doubt settle, if she allows it continue to eat away at her then she feels like it will eat away at her, take away what little strength and confidence she has left since departing her birth lands and watching her family dissolve. They had all gone their separate ways looking for a future that lingered beyond the mountains that had once served as a barrier from the outside realms, that had protected them and allowed them to grow and thrive for generations.
An ear twitches toward Neverwhere, hears her words drawl out in a tone of uncertainty. Blue eyes look up, curious as to what she is thinking. There is something implied in her tone that Lilli thinks she hears, a sort of camaraderie that while they were both newcomers to this realm, they had somehow gotten here. That itself was a feat and perhaps an act of determination depending on how one arrived. Her head rises slightly, the start of a shy smile dawning on that auburn maw. ”Yes, yes we did,” she replies. And at Neverwhere’s next words, Lilli’s smile arches upward and laughter comes chiming out. Perhaps the mare hadn’t intended it as a joke but Lilli interprets it this way and is appreciative at the attempt at humor. ”Ah,” she sighs, laughter still clinging to her next words. ”What is death but another plane of existence?”
When the conversation settles again and when the last of the tension has left Lilli, she shakes her head and peers back to the pale mare, curious as to what it was she was here seeking. The thought of being an aimless wanderer is as foreign to Lilli as her belonging to a family, to wanting those things again must be to Neverwhere. Lilli, always the dreamer, casts an inquisitive gaze heavenward, wondering about magic and the way it once flowed through this land like veins to a body. ”I don’t understand magic. I’ve never had it so what can I know about it?” She shrugs her shoulders and looks back to Neverwhere, dismissing the thoughts of wielding it and the abilities it brings. With one last look, her blue eyes peer up again to watch a lone bird. ”Though I have always wanted to fly. I thought it would have been a glorious thing to have been born with wings.”
The bird flies away and so goes the talk of wings and flying with it.
She looks back to Neverwhere, tilting her head slightly as she listens to what the mare has to say. ”If there is something your seeking, I hope one day you find it.” She isn’t quite sure what she is trying to say to Neverwhere. The thought of endlessly traveling, of going everywhere and ending up nowhere is one that she can’t quite understand. But if it makes Neverwhere happy, if it is the thing that keeps her soul at peace and gives meaning to her days, then she wishes the best trails and adventures for the silver mare. ”It’s a beautiful answer. The most winding and crooked of trails can lead to the most amazing views.”
@[neverwhere]
But that time has long since passed.
The security, the normalcy, the routine have all been stripped from Lilli and the version that stands here in Beqanna is just an aimless girl.
She can feel whatever has buoyed her, what has kept her head above the drowning sensation of loss and insecurity, leave her. It sucks her under, stripping the air from her lungs and leaves her deflated, lost again in a wave of emotions that she can’t even begin to sort through. It looms large like a mountain might block out the sun or the way a tsunami threatens to obliterate everything in it’s path, leaving only a path of destruction and desolation in its wake.
She trains her eyes on the ground, studying every deep indent and line that carves the tree nearest her. Lilli studies it because she can’t quite bring herself to look at Neverwhere yet, as if looking at the dappled mare will take the last of Lilli’s resolve to remain positive. If she lefts the doubt settle, if she allows it continue to eat away at her then she feels like it will eat away at her, take away what little strength and confidence she has left since departing her birth lands and watching her family dissolve. They had all gone their separate ways looking for a future that lingered beyond the mountains that had once served as a barrier from the outside realms, that had protected them and allowed them to grow and thrive for generations.
An ear twitches toward Neverwhere, hears her words drawl out in a tone of uncertainty. Blue eyes look up, curious as to what she is thinking. There is something implied in her tone that Lilli thinks she hears, a sort of camaraderie that while they were both newcomers to this realm, they had somehow gotten here. That itself was a feat and perhaps an act of determination depending on how one arrived. Her head rises slightly, the start of a shy smile dawning on that auburn maw. ”Yes, yes we did,” she replies. And at Neverwhere’s next words, Lilli’s smile arches upward and laughter comes chiming out. Perhaps the mare hadn’t intended it as a joke but Lilli interprets it this way and is appreciative at the attempt at humor. ”Ah,” she sighs, laughter still clinging to her next words. ”What is death but another plane of existence?”
When the conversation settles again and when the last of the tension has left Lilli, she shakes her head and peers back to the pale mare, curious as to what it was she was here seeking. The thought of being an aimless wanderer is as foreign to Lilli as her belonging to a family, to wanting those things again must be to Neverwhere. Lilli, always the dreamer, casts an inquisitive gaze heavenward, wondering about magic and the way it once flowed through this land like veins to a body. ”I don’t understand magic. I’ve never had it so what can I know about it?” She shrugs her shoulders and looks back to Neverwhere, dismissing the thoughts of wielding it and the abilities it brings. With one last look, her blue eyes peer up again to watch a lone bird. ”Though I have always wanted to fly. I thought it would have been a glorious thing to have been born with wings.”
The bird flies away and so goes the talk of wings and flying with it.
She looks back to Neverwhere, tilting her head slightly as she listens to what the mare has to say. ”If there is something your seeking, I hope one day you find it.” She isn’t quite sure what she is trying to say to Neverwhere. The thought of endlessly traveling, of going everywhere and ending up nowhere is one that she can’t quite understand. But if it makes Neverwhere happy, if it is the thing that keeps her soul at peace and gives meaning to her days, then she wishes the best trails and adventures for the silver mare. ”It’s a beautiful answer. The most winding and crooked of trails can lead to the most amazing views.”
@[neverwhere]
but it's all in the past, love
it's all gone with the wind