"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
and let me crawl inside your veins. I'll build a wall, give you a ball and chain.
They were well into spring by now, and although she should have been in Sylva, working on getting the new territory in order, she finds that she cannot leave the comfort of Loess just yet. She has kept to herself the last several days, the anxiety building in her chest to the point that she could no longer ignore it. She should have been excited to be so close to welcoming another child into the world, and yet, all she felt was an ever increasing amount of dread and guilt. She didn’t regret her night with Lie; he was her best friend – unexpected though that had been – and there was a small, hidden part of her that was happy. But she kept that part tucked away, and she let the worry and remorse build over top of it. Every time she saw a child that was so clearly and plainly Ophanim’s, it was like someone was driving a dagger between her ribs. And now, she was doing the same to him; he would know this child wasn’t his, and she was afraid that all the animosity that had boiled over between them nearly a year ago in Sylva would come rushing back.
She felt even guiltier for feeling guilty at all. She wanted to let the excitement blossom inside of her, but every time it tried, it felt like choking. She had stayed away from Lie once she realized she didn’t have the ability to handle the torrent of emotions that were coursing through her. She didn’t want him to think she regretted being with him, or that she regretted this baby. True to her nature, she didn’t know how to handle feeling broken without cutting everyone else.
And so she secluded herself away, far from the heart of Loess, and even further from Sylva. Instead, it was a rocky alcove somewhere between the Forest and the mountains of Hyaline that she hid away in. It was a harsh and unforgiving area; the ground that she paced across was hard and littered with stones, but the trees were thick and the rocks that jutted into the sky were large. She just didn’t want Ophanim – or anyone, really – to find her. It doesn’t make a difference, she knows that. She won’t be able to hide a living, breathing baby from the world forever, but in her pain-ridden mind, it seems logical, for now.
It is closer to nightfall when her breathing is coming in short, sharp gasps, and the pain and the pressure building inside finally causes her to give in and lower herself to the ground. The edge of rocks and stones that dig into her skin are nothing compared to what overcomes her now, and she hardly notices the pinpricks of pain that they cause as her muscles grow taut and weary from pushing. She hadn’t had to do this alone last time. Last time, Ophanim had been with her, but even though she knows it would have been foolish and stupid for him to be with her now, she wishes he was here. The stubborn, proud part of her had kept her from seeking out Lie, even though she knows he would have stayed with her, too, but she couldn’t help but feel like it was entirely her fault she was in this mess to begin with, and, in the back of her mind, there is a worried part of her that thinks maybe he doesn’t even care anyway.
She breathes a trembling sigh of relief when the filly slips free, rocking herself upright to crane her neck around to gently begin to cleanse her pale face. Her heart stops, and then flutters again in excitement at the sight of familiar snowflakes adorning her impossibly small nose, and she cannot hide the slow smile that lifts at her lips as she murmurs into the black curls of her damp mane, “Just like your dad.” Her nose trails across the small expanse of her ribs, lingering and tracing the dots of glowing dapples that adorn her body, and staring into navy-blue eyes – like hers. She remembers when Malone was born, and how she had looked at Ophanim in quiet awe, because he was such a perfect combination of both of them. She hadn’t expected that same thought to cross her mind with this child, hadn’t expected the same well of emotion to fill her chest, but it comes anyway, and it catches her by surprise.
But she doesn’t have time to come to terms with her emotions. The contraction that tears through her takes her breath away, and the next one sends her mind spinning. “You have got to be fucking kidding me,” she says with a mixture of exhaustion and disbelief. She did not sign up for twins, but it turned out, she didn’t really have a say in the matter.
Reluctantly, she flattens against the hard ground again, staring up at the stars that fill the now-dark sky. She tried to ignore the fear that was bubbling into her throat, and the way it clenched around her heart. If she had known it was twins, if she had known it was going to be this difficult, she wouldn’t have been so stubborn, and she would have gone to Pangea, but it was far too late for that now. The silver of her skin darkens with sweat as she groans and strains, her dapples glowing all the more vibrantly against the slick sheen of it, until finally, with one last push, there is a colt wet and trembling alongside of his sister.
She doesn’t give herself the chance to recognize how tired she is. She ignores the way her muscles ache and how fatigue tightens around her like a fist. Instead, she forces herself up, her legs quivering, and her tangled mane clinging to her neck in places. The side of her body that had lain against the ground is scraped from writhing against the sharp rocks that littered the churned up earth, but she is too busy cleaning and drying the newborn colt to notice the way her skin stings and how bright the blood is against her coat in places.
He is dark, and she is startled when he first blinks open those ruby-colored eyes. But he too glitters with stars, across his face, and along his chest and back. Her lips brush over four bumps where horns promise to emerge, and she is all at once confused and fascinated. She doesn’t understand the way Lie’s shadow-magic must have somehow twisted to form all this, but it is the only conclusion she can come to. There is a glimmer of satisfaction when she recognizes the same echo in his mind as when Malone had been born; he was a mind reader, like her. Her lips and nose continue to caress along the small angles of him, but her attention shifts back to his sister, who was awkwardly trying to stand. “I have no idea what to name either one of you,” she says to absolutley no one.
starsin
it’s not like me to be so mean. you’re all I wanted. ( just let me hold you Like a hostage. )
Was there much to expect after their only night together? Litotes was not sure, still is not sure. He is no idiot - at least that is what he tells himself - and he is certain there is more there than the lust from when they first met. Yet, there is the idea that he could be making it all up; and there is that ever-present guilt of a married man. Somehow, he is worse than those that simply slip into sex without thought: maybe he loves her.
Maybe I love Starsin.
I am a fucking idiot, he tells himself, even if minutes before he thought he was perceptive enough to know she may feel something in return. If Litotes had any idea how to control his personal life like his political life, then all of this would be sorted. He would have spoken to Kensa already, would have confessed to Starsin the moment he knew; yet, if the Pangean King were that stable, would he have fallen in love with her? Would she have found something within him? It is these cracks, their inability to control themselves, their mutual brokenness, their shared trauma - these frailties of life are what brings together.
And it would seem they have a couple of other attributes tangling them even more. Though the two very obviously avoided each other the next morning, Lie had a gut feeling - still has a gut feeling. They were not going to be able to keep their secret as clandestine as they had hoped. The universe laughs at him when he gulps: if she is with child then their arrival could be any day now.
Litotes has spent the last few days trekking between Sylva and Pangea. It is not easy, and the discomfort he feels over leaving Pangea unguarded wraps chains around his lungs; the birth of his child is far more important, though, and he is determined to seek out Starsin before it is too late. Knowing her, and her secrets, and her hardhead, she will refuse any comfort he has to offer. She will fear for the partner Lie is certain she has.
It is dark when he finds her. If it were not for his control over shadows, he would not have sensed her labored breathing. He can feel the darkness tighten around Starsin and the child as he gallops forward, feel the black as it swirls in response to his anxiety. “Starsin,” he murmurs, voice gruff and too far away for her to hear. His breath hitches in his throat and the insects that hummed just a moment before seem to go completely still. Through the night most cannot observe, Litotes spots her and the two children at her side. “Oh my god,” he whispers on a breath, eyes filling with delight and fear.
The earth is quiet when he approaches, but there is no secret in the crunch his hooves make against the ground. Lie is certain Starsin knows he is here.
They are beautiful, the two of them, even if one is completely unexpected. The cremello’s heart splits in two at the very sight of them, but especially at the silver glimmer upon the filly’s nose. “Starsin, I . . .” His topaz eyes flick up to hers, uncertainty and love glowing in them. “She looks like a little dove,” is all he can muster, before settling on his side next to the filly. He merely smiles at the glowing red gaze of the colt, confusion present but mostly delight. Something strange must have happened with his magic.
“You could have come to me,” Lie finally whispers, though his tone contains none of the hurt he feels.
i don't want your pity, i just want somebody near me guess i'm a coward, i just want to feel all right
and let me crawl inside your veins. I'll build a wall, give you a ball and chain.
His thoughts interrupt her own, and she feels her heart jump in her chest at the sight of him. Even though she had hid herself so well, there is a part of her that knew if anyone was going to find her, it would be him. Secretly, she had hoped he would, even though she knows she should have just not been stubborn and gone to him to begin with. “You came,” her voice is hushed, with disbelief and relief weaving around each other, because she wouldn’t have been surprised at all if he had chosen to stay away. She has always been good at pushing everyone away, but she never knew what to do when they fought back and they stayed anyway. “I know, I just...I didn’t know if you wanted me to.”
She hadn’t been sure how he would feel knowing that they were his. He has other children; she has seen them, with their snowflake muzzles or their lion shifting, but she knows this is different. She is different; they are different. Having children was a physical reminder of what had happened between them, especially when they are both just so clearly theirs. But she releases the tension she had been holding when all she can hear in his mind is awe and happiness, and a slow smile crosses her face when he settles himself next to the filly.
She reaches across, with the colt still pulled close to her, to touch her muzzle to Lie’s, and then to one of the glowing dapples on the filly’s shoulder. “Do you want to name her that? Dove?” She looks down at the small, pale girl that was now curled close to her father’s chest, her silver muzzle touching and feeling his skin with a mix of confusion and newborn wonder. “Maybe if we name her something sweet, she won’t be like me,” and she is only half-teasing when she says it. Malone was nothing like her; he was sweet and compassionate and always thought the best of everyone.
If none of her children ever inherited her manipulative, toxic ways, it was all she could ever hope for.
But the colt, she’s not so sure of. She reaches to play her lips against the silky waves of his short mane, and then along the downy-soft fur of his neck. He was strikingly handsome, and if it weren’t for the glowing constellations, she isn’t entirely sure she would think he looked like either of his parents. He felt like her; he felt cool and calculating, like there was a power simmering inside of him that just needed to be nurtured until he knew how to wield it. She didn’t want him to be like that – she didn’t want him to lead a life like hers. But she can’t deny the odd little thrill that she feels in her veins when her lips again touch the small bumps where horns wanted to grow, and that secret delight she feels when their minds read each other so easily. “Draco,” she muses aloud, but mostly to herself, though she steals a glance towards Lie to see if he disagrees with the name, before looking back at the colt thoughtfully. “You’re going to be different. A good different.”
starsin
it’s not like me to be so mean. you’re all I wanted. ( just let me hold you Like a hostage. )
They are so beautiful, the little children that sit between them. Litotes thinks he cannot be more proud, chest swelling with the might a thousand soldiers busting down the doorways of a castle. He smiles, even if their situation is not ideal, even if they steal these moments in the dead of night: fate be damned, there is joy to be had in what they have created.
I know, he thinks when Starsin admits she did not know if he wanted her to come. What he wants to scream is that he thought he had made it very clear how he had felt, but that hurt rage remains bottled, and their sweet moment untouched by unadulterated nightmares (such things the parents are so wont to create).
“Yes, let’s,” Lie murmurs in agreement, twinkling gemstone eyes so sweet when they settle the star-mare. He hardly registers what else she says, but when he does, a harsh reprimand colors his eyes. Starsin may be cold, or calculating, or distant; but she has never been unforgivable. Lie thinks that if Dove is to grow up like her mother, she will be proud and strong. She will hold her head high and be untouchable; she will be able to conquer anything she wants. Still, the cremello merely frowns at her, forgetting for a moment that if she wants, she can pick through his firm disapproval.
“I love the name Draco,” he murmurs, just as the boy whips around to stare at him with piercing eyes. A tendril of fear squeezes his heart, but it quickly dissipates as the boy finds himself immersed in his father’s mind (this Litotes cannot feel, though he would be frightened if he could). “They’re incredible, Starsin. Can you believe it? Such beauty out of the mess we made.” The ruefulness in his tone is halfway joking, though he feels it clogs his throat. “Our family makes me happy.” Even if they can never be truly whole.
i don't want your pity, i just want somebody near me guess i'm a coward, i just want to feel all right
