I will commit my soul to your door tonight, and I'll last 'til the gas fumes float on higher
If only she could breathe around him.
If only she could figure out the way to make her lungs pump so that she could more easily draw in air—so that she could at least see straight. So that she could find the solid footing beneath her and know that she was going to make it through this. But she hasn’t been able to find her center of gravity since the first time that she saw him, since the first time he held her with his mouth on her spine.
Her world has fractured around him; rebuilt around the stone pillars of his heart.
She struggles to look at him because it is so much more difficult to fake this indifference when he is looking her in the eye. It is nearly impossible to pretend that she doesn’t feel anything. Nearly impossible to let the rest of it fall away until she’s just the naive and vulnerable girl that she has always been.
She feels that strange ache in her at his question.
Don’t make me say it, she thinks. Please just—
But she is powerless from the gravity of him and she drags her gaze back to him. Finds the confusion on his face and the depthless brown of his solemn eyes. She swallows hard, trying to force something like a breathless brevity into what she says next. “Sabbath,” her throat feels raw from the confession and she does everything she can to not grit her teeth together, whispering it between the clenched jaw.
“I just,” her voice is shaky but she continues, “I saw how happy you were to see her again—to find out you had another daughter.” Maybe this daughter would love him, she thinks, and feels the weight of it settle in her like a stone. There is not an inch of her that regrets Gospel with all of her vicious, fierce independence but she knows that it is not the family that Beth would want—and she couldn’t blame him.
“I know Sabbath was angry but I am sure she’ll come around.”
Now she can’t stop the words that pour of her—loose and shaking and vulnerable. “I should have told you. I should have. I’m so sorry. But you can be with her now, and I am so happy for you both.”
in a dying love I'm nothing but a stone cold liar but, oh, I got an iron in that fire
