"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
06-06-2016, 06:19 PM (This post was last modified: 06-06-2016, 06:20 PM by Drow.)
Breathe in, slow and deep, chest expanding until it almost hurts. Take in the complex perfume of the forest, mingling oak and earth and the rich green growth of spring. Life, bursting from the ground in every direction. New beginnings, this could be a place of new beginnings again instead of pain and strife and endings. God, there have been so many endings. Maybe this time it can be different.
There was a time, so very long ago, when all I lived for was the light of the moon shining down on me, the ache of lonely longing in my chest as she hung in the sky so far out of reach. I poured my blood out on the ground, watched it gleam in her light and sink into the soil, a sacrifice unwanted, a plea never accepted. I spent half my life and more tearing myself apart trying to understand why I wasn't good enough, would never be good enough to touch that far away light in the sky.
I never wanted to come back, never wanted to set foot again on land I'm still half-convinced is cursed. This place has tortured everyone I have ever loved, chewed them up and spit them back out—at least the ones it has not swallowed whole. On my own, I would never have done it. No matter how much I might need to be here, I would have fought to hold onto the life I'd made for myself and my daughter, clinging to solid ground and digging my heels into familiar jungle soil and refusing to move forward no matter that it was time.
But for my girls. For my mother, who somewhere along the line became the best friend I have ever known, I would do far worse than walking through hell at her side. For my daughter, who came into my life through fire and blood and falling starlight, whose impact realigned gravity and made her the center of my world...I would give my last breath for her, the final beat of my heart. How much less, then, would it be to give her a chance at the life she has wanted for years?
So how could I refuse?
Dara wanted so fervently to see the land of her ancestors, to touch the earth and see its shape, to walk these paths and know where all our old stories took place. She wanted to see where her fathers met, where her grandmothers fell in love, where we were born and breathed and broke and mended and broke again. And Mom, whether she wanted it or not, needed to lay her old life to rest in the cemetery she'd made of her one-time sanctuary. Our family's home, once upon a time.
And fine, hell, I needed closure too. I may have changed from the broken kid I was the last time I was here, jagged and bleeding and clinging stubbornly to scars as a reminder of how I have failed everyone I love. But there were still demons I had to face, still echoes of the past I needed to let go of before I could move on. A lover dead or gone I'd never quite managed to let go of no matter how hard I'd tried, and a last goodbye to bid my dead mother.
Well. I managed the latter, at least. The former, on the other hand...
I still can't believe it sometimes, even lying tangled up with him like this, sweat dripping from our bodies, the pale platinum white of my hair intertwined with his black. Even with his body pressed against mine, feeling his chest rise and fall with each ragged breath, hearing the beat of his heart as it slows back down, even with the taste of him on my lips, the salt of his skin still so familiar after all this time. Even now, I half-expect to wake up and find it was all an elaborate dream, a cruel reminder that I am alone.
“God, I could do this forever,” I murmur against my lover's skin, breathing in the scent of him and draping my neck over his. I'll never get enough of him, not if we both live until this world is nothing but dust. Finding him again, falling back into his arms like we were never apart, it's made me understand my moms' relationship better. I swore I was over Zur, that after a decade or more without him I was never looking back. That if he was even alive, there was nothing he could do or say that would ever make up for all those nights wondering what had happened, what had gone wrong, why once again I wasn't good enough to make someone love me enough to stay.
One look, and none of that mattered anymore. One look into jungle green eyes and I knew the truth. No matter what I'd tried to tell myself, I'd never stopped loving him. One look, one breath, one stuttering heartbeat, and I was home. For the first time in so fucking long, the world was whole again. Oh, I fought it, kept my distance, demanded explanations, tried so damn hard to be the kind of person who wouldn't fall right back into the arms of the man who'd left without a word. It was never that black and white, and he actually had a pretty fucking solid explanation. But I know myself well enough to admit it would have been a losing battle either way.
“I love you.” Completely. Irrevocably. With every beat of my heart.
Know the water's sweet but blood is thicker.
(Permission from Cassi to claim ET for the family. ^_^ Also I basically just moved this
thread from the Forest to here.)
In my mind, I'm running round a cold and empty space
His warmth on my skin was more than I had ever hoped to happen again. His harsh breathing ringing in my ears was music, as was the sound of his voice as he spoke to me. Gods above I loved him. His heart beat as it steadied itself in his chest. The way I would catch his eyes and just smile. "I love you too." Each rumble of his voice, each breath he took something that I had once thought I would never have again. I had searched for him, although not too entirely hard once I had been released from my servitude. When I had first been released back into the real world I had been in shock.
I had been figuring out what was real and what wasn't. Was I really back in Beqanna or was I just in another scenario that Abaddon had decided to toss me in. He liked to do it. Did things that I could only shudder at and wish that I could burn them out of my brain.
The hardest ones had always involved Drow and Dara. Until I had to force myself to be numb to the love I felt for them, until I was nothing more than a machine that didn't think. I only reacted.
And then, then I had found him. Found him and our beautiful daughter. She had welcomed me back without a thought, wrapped herself around me. A hug had never felt so good. It was like my heart had stuttered to a stop in my chest and she had restarted it. I have never felt such pain or relief in my life as at that moment. And then Drow, my beautiful Drowling.
I had saw the pain in his eyes. It had echoed in my heart, I had shuttered it away, concentrating on the one good thing we still had left. Until I couldn't. Until the pain threatened to eat me alive. Looking but not touching. So formal.
But....But he had still loved me. He forgave me, welcomed me back into his arms and god if I hadn't wanted to cry like a big baby. It was all I could do to not cry and some piece of me healed when he had tucked me against his chest. I had been just as broken as him once upon a time ago. He wasn't now. He was the same yet different. I was so damn proud of him.
Even if I still woke to nightmares in the night and his lips and voice had to soothe them away. Not as often. Too often I was exhausted to dream. And the other nights I was happy, without the dark thoughts on my mind.
But we were back, were back to where we met, to the beginning of our love story. Every good one has its ups and downs, but hopefully, my adventure was enough for our entire lifetime, long as it was. I recognized in Drow, the trait I also held as he aged and stayed the same.
"You are the breath in my lungs and the beating of my heart Drowling." I murmur against his skin, my lips and tongue trailing across his neck.
Just put your arms around me, tell me everything's OK
06-10-2016, 08:11 PM (This post was last modified: 06-24-2016, 01:46 PM by Dara.)
Wolves in our own skin, we're savages; we act so primitive.
God, it's beautiful here! So many different biomes so close together, and all so easily accessible with the help of Grandma's convenient dragon flight. Oh, we've visited together in spirit before, in dreams, but it's not nearly the same as feeling the earth beneath my hooves—hooves! I'm still getting used to that idea. Warned or not, I've never been a prey shape before, and it's so bizarre. Dad and Grandma both teared up when they saw me as a horse for the first time, my shape changed by the magic of this land. I guess they figured I'd be some combination of my dads' coloring, silver black and grullo tobiano. Neither of them were expecting me to be so close in color to Grandma's long-lost love. Genetics-wise, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Dad didn't inherit the roan gene, so I shouldn't have been able to either. But Grandma says the soul doesn't always make logical choices, and that maybe mine wanted to do something to honor one of the women who made my incarnation possible.
Regardless of how I came out this way, I think I like it. I've got Dad's long, white mane and tail with a few little strands of silver. My face and legs are the same not-quite-black as Dad's, and the rest of me roans into that same lovely silvery shade as the stray hairs in my mane and tail. And my eyes are gold as ever, of course. Pretty, I guess. I was disappointed, to be completely honest, that there was nothing of my Papa in the color of my coat. No splashes of white, no dun markings, not even a tiny little snip of white on the end of my nose I could catch glimpses of and think, There. That's from my Pa. But Grandma said she sees him in the shape of this body, the fineness of build, the planes of my face. She and Dad are built drafty, broad and heavily-muscled with feathering all down their legs. I'm all clean lines and gentle curves. Which is not to say Papa is effeminate! Just that he is not built like a tank, like Dad and Grandma are.
Knowing there is some of him in me helped ease the disappointment a bit, but I confess it lingered right up until I saw him. Well, until I recognized him. Well, okay. Until Dad recognized him. I'd never seen him as a horse, and I hadn't seen him as a man since I was a toddler. I knew him by the tension in Dad's face, the clench of his jaw, the flaring of his nostrils. I knew him by the pain in Dad's mismatched eyes and the stiffness of his posture. He always used to get that closed off look when I asked about Papa when I was younger, and it translated to horse surprisingly well. I saw Zur in the agony written in every line of his body, and I knew. “Papa!” Oh, I had thrown myself into his embrace, melted into his skin and held on like I was drowning and he was my only source of air. My long lost Papa, finally returned to me.
All the more reason to love this place.
And now we're a happy little family again, the granting of my most heartfelt childhood wish. Oh, it took a while, months of Dad fighting the inevitable and doing his whole silent stubborn stay strong thing, but eventually he surrendered to the pull of his heart. My dads are forever. They also bang a lot, so I've recruited Grandma to show me around and tell me stories—she's always been so good at storytelling, has my Grandma. This time she showed me the Jungle, where she was queen once upon a time. Where Dad and all his siblings lived, where my dads met and fell in love, and where the bones of our dead are buried. We bathed beneath her favorite waterfall, played with a new generation of jaguar cubs, and visited the remains of her garden of carnivorous plants.
Thing is, while I loved every minute of our trip there, I could see the way it made her ache, made her burn all over again for a time long past and a life she would never live again. When it got the weight of the past got a little too heavy, I glanced at up at the canopy as if checking the position of the sun in the sky. “Think we gave them long enough?” I asked, a wry grin on my face.
Ah, Grandma snorted and bumped her nose against my shoulder. “Probably not. But they'll live.” And she scooped me up in suddenly dragon-shaped claws and here we are, back in our new home. Echo Trails. A new place for a new beginning, yeah? None of us have lived here before, but it's lovely. Willows line the river that flows through our new home, limbs draping gracefully down to trail in the current. Game trails crisscross through sprawling oak forests, and these lovely meadows stretch out with tons of weird edible plants I would've never touched before we came here. Vegetarian. Bizarre. Thankfully my appetite adjusted alright to this new shape, and I have at least some understanding of Papa's old dietary habits. Dad and I were the carnivores of the family, back in another life, in another world. But we had wolves in us. Still do somewhere, even if we can't reach them anymore. Maybe someday we will again.
For now, though...
“Oh good. I was worried we'd get back too soon and you two would still be going at it.” Grandma snorts, a little puff of smoke sneaking its way out her nostrils as she sets me down next to my sprawled-out dads, who are still covered in sweat and tangled up in each other. “You guys are adorable, you know that?”
“Don't expect them to say the same about you if they ever find you in a similar situation,” Grandma quips, arching a brow even as she's shifting back to horse form. Ah, I love this one, the sunny-bright splashes of yellow and white on her lovely Gypsy frame. I nuzzle the cute little feather-shaped patch on her shoulder, my absolute favorite. I remember that story, her and Raye-girl when they were very small, and Grandma shifting into a canary and perching on Raye's head. So cute.
“No, I doubt they'll find anything remotely adorable about that,” I reply, grinning as Dad growls softly. It's so easy. And so fun. “Thankfully they haven't caught me yet, but I'm sure it's bound to happen someday. Especially if I'm ever dumb enough to bring someone home instead of hooking up in the Meadow or something.”
In my mind, I'm running round a cold and empty space
The thunder of dragon wings makes me stir. I bring my lips from his body, from whatever part of him I can touch and look in the direction that the sound is coming from. "It's always too long and never long enough." I say softly, my eyes turning back to look at him, at the love of my soul, my heart. Dara and her Grandma were never gone quite long enough for either of us, but it was also agony to watch her leave, even if I was quite sure she was in the best hands...claws? that she could be, besides her Dad's of course.
I smile at him, touching my lips to his cheek and then they are landing near us. And yes, weren't we adorable. Another smile curls my lips as I grunt in agreement with Quark. And then I grit my teeth as I attempt to not lock our daughter up into some prison..I know I could get Pazuzu to build it for me.
I untangle myself gently from Drow, my lips brushing against him again before I turn my eyes on our daughter. "You're a brat." I say as I tug on her mane. Mane. She had a mane, and here she was standing in front of me as one of the most beautiful girls I had ever seen. Perhaps a tad biased, but hey. It's not every day you get reunited with your baby girl and then she's a four legged critter like I had been once.
And then I nip her lightly on her shoulder. "I'll have your Uncle lock you up in a box." I smile at her. It's so hard to watch her grow up, to know that one day we will both have to back away from her and let her live her life. We will have to let her hurt and heal and grow and all kinds of things that makes my heart hurt to just think about. We won't be able to keep her from all these things she has wanted. I slide my neck around hers and tug her into a hug. "Did you and your grandma have fun today?"
I step back, my eyes turning to Quark's blue and yellow form before I press my body against Drow's. I'm sure by now he is up. While we had been human, we had been closer to the same height. Now I often will smile and eye him, remembering what a giant he was here. Him and Quark both really.
Oh well. I snuggle in next to him and wait to hear about her day, even as our scents linger on the air and the sweat hasn't completely cooled on our bodies.
Just put your arms around me, tell me everything's OK
Always too long and never long enough. I know exactly what he means. I, at least, have more practice letting go of our girl, watching her run off somewhere with my mom to have adventures somewhere I can't protect her. Even so, I still hate to see her leave. Oh, she's in the best damn hands in the world as far as keeping her safe goes. I would trust my mom with my daughter's life in a heartbeat, and have done so repeatedly over the years. She's just...growing up so fast. Grew up, really. With a sigh, I nod my agreement. Always too long, whenever she's gone.
And yeah. Now that Zur's back in my life? No amount of time alone with him will ever be enough. I'm never going to be done holding him, tasting the salt of his skin, watching the fire build in his eyes when I touch him. And since I'm not crazy about the idea of our kid catching us fucking, yeah, I'll have to agree on the never long enough side of things as well. Amusement curves my lips into a wicked grin, even as I hear my mother's approach on familiar dragon wings. “Five more minutes, Mom,” I murmur, nipping the side of Zur's neck and chasing teeth with lips and tongue. Joking, of course.
Well. Ish.
Of course Dara thinks we're adorable, the little minx. She spent her whole life hoping her Papa would come back to us, and the moment we found him I could feel the weight of her wishing, her yearning, quietly shoving me in Zur's direction. It was part of why I dug in my heels so stubbornly, though hardly the only reason. Getting her happy ever after and then losing it again would fucking crush her, when she's been wanting us back together for so long.
Zur's lips against my cheek chase away thoughts of the past and I breathe in the breath he let out against my skin. My Zur. And of course our girl is harassing us; it's her job, after all, and she's missed it so. “I don't know,” I say with a shrug, managing to keep a straight face only because of how much practice I've had with her. “We could arrange a marriage for you, find you a nice mate, you could settle down and pop out a few kids, turn your old man here into a grandpa by next spring,” I nudge Zur and then meet Dara's gaze, my expression bland.
“There's some privacy out beneath the willows,” I add with a nod toward the river, “I'm sure you could get to work on that as soon as, what, tonight? If we can find someone suitable. You know, older, someone calm to balance your exuberance a bit, maybe a little grizzled around the mouth. Someone with scars,” I add, nodding wisely. “Prove he's capable of defending you at least as well as any of us could. 'Course a tough old warrior like that, he might be a little less than pretty to look at, but you don't mind that, do you, love?”
Dara wrinkles her nose and sticks out her tongue. “Very funny, Dad. You're hilarious, you know that? Almost as funny as Papa with his box threat. Like Uncle Zuzu wouldn't be up for helping me get in a little bit of trouble. Ha. I bet he would lock that box up nice and tight for you, and then sneak me out of it and offer me at least seven suggestions on how I could have some fun with my newly stolen freedom.” I grin, because hell, as long as he had his eye on her I'd be all for Pazuzu helping her get in a little trouble. Let the world know she was a force to be reckoned with.
Zur pulls her into a hug, and I brush a kiss against her forehead as she chatters a reply. “Of course we did, Papa, it's me and Grandma! We always have fun. She showed me all over the place, told me great good stories, we played with jaguars, I almost got eaten by a plant...” I can't help but grin as her tale unfolds, remembering my own adventures as a kid in the Jungle. Though I suppose she's a kid no longer. Just hamming it up for her dads. I've noticed her doing that more since we got here, especially around Zur. Giving him a chance to see what he missed out on. God, I love that girl.
Zur curls up against me, so much smaller than I am in this shape. I wasn't much older than Dara is now when we met, still growing into myself, still such a broken, messed up kid. We didn't stay here long, moving onto different worlds and different shapes, and it still feels strange the way he fits against me. Maybe it's not our bodies that are different, really, though that's true too. I'm not a fucked up kid anymore, searching desperately for something to hold onto in a world that kept falling apart beneath my feet.
Of the two of us, he's the more fragile right now, still healing from the many years away. From years of torture and pain. I press a kiss to the side of his neck, holding him close as he curls into my side. Safe now. He's doing so much better already, too, now that he is home with me and with our girl. Mom does what she can, helping soothe the jagged edges of his soul, and I chase away the nightmares with my touch. With my love. Just by being here and whole and his again. I know how hard it can be to come back from something like that, and I'm so damn proud of the progress he's made.
“Love you,” I whisper into his ear as our daughter chatters on, reminding us of the wonders of the land we both once called home. Now home is here, with each other. But I know that won't be the case for our Dara forever. So let her be enamored of the Jungle if she likes. Look what it did for my mom. Hell, look what it did for me. The road was hard getting here, but this moment surrounded by the people I love most in the world? Makes it worth the struggle, worth the pain, worth the thousands of nights spent alone or in the company of men who never quite touched my heart. They never had a chance; I gave it to Zur a long time ago. It just took a few years for it to find its way back to me, that's all.
In my mind, I'm running round a cold and empty space
I know he is only teasing and I have to stop the smile that curls my lips. I press my nose into his neck, trailing it down until I find his shoulder, nipping the curve of it gently. When I trail my lips back up until I touch his cheek my smile is gone and I nod in agreement. "That might be a better idea." I turn my attention towards Dara and nod slightly again. "Yes, I think I like that better. I'm sure there is some grizzled old warrior around here somewhere we could pair you up with."
But of course she knows we are joking. We would never do that to her. Finding her own mate, finding the one that put a light in her heart and soothed her soul, finding someone that made a fire burn low in her belly...well that would be all for her to do. Even if Drow and I didn't like it, even if we hated the idea that she grew up so fast, that she was no longer our baby girl that needed us for everything.
I never had this before with Bathilda. I never had the ability to watch her grow and learn and become such a vital piece of my heart. Her mother had birthed her and then they had both disappeared. I don't even remember what she looked like anymore. She had been all long legs and wide eyes as she had trailed her mother and I had trailed her. I still wore my Jungle tattoos, even if they were faded into my skin, almost nonexistent. My manservant one still ran like jungle vines up my leg. Nazaire's was there, although it was nothing more than a few scratches in my skin. Quark's was there, perhaps the most vivid of them all.
Bathilda. My darling Bathilda. I am sorry I wasn't there for you more.
I am pulled from my thoughts, thoughts that echo times when Abaddon had even used her against me. My ghost child. I hide the torment in my eyes by closing my eyes for a long moment, my ears flickering as I listen to Dara and Drow. Dara's chatter eventually takes over and that makes me smile. Even as Drow's lips touch my neck. I blink my eyes open, shaking away the darkness. I didn't want to ruin this moment with our daughter, with her adventures still ringing in my ears as she tells me all about her day with her Grandma.
And aren't I so thankful that they were all together when I couldn't be there? Yes, I am so glad they had helped each other to heal, that my being away had done more than my being there. Do I hate the fact that I missed so much? Yes. Do I know that Dara girl gives me the show she thinks I expect when we are together? Oh, yes. It makes my heart almost burst as she gives me the things she thinks I need. And hell, maybe I do. Maybe I need these innocent little playacts she gives me to fill in the holes I still have in my heart.
I never regret the fact that I am here with them, but a part of me wonders, whispers dark things into my mind sometimes that I should have stayed away. That they were doing just fine without me. No doubt a piece of Abaddon still lingers somewhere in my soul, eating away at it like a worm in an apple. I let them soothe me, I let Quark heal the ragged pieces that she can. I let Drow's love act like a balm. I let Dara's hugs heal what they can.
But perhaps I will never really be over this.
Perhaps it was just a matter of time before something else came along and fucked this all up. Drow was right in his unwillingness to not want to come back. There was always something, always someone that would see our happy family and want to destroy it. A tingle of dread curls along my spine and I force myself to push it away. I would examine it later. Not now, not here in front of those I love.
So I smile, pushing away the darkness one more time and blink my jungle green eyes at my lover. My lips touch his cheek. "And I you." I murmur to him. I would never not love him, never find anyone else that was the other half of my heart, my soul like he was. I am glad, selfishly glad, that he has the same immortality as I do. "So much." I say, until Dara's chatter stops. I smile sheepishly at him, turning my attention back to her. "That sounds like an awesome day." I touch her forehead with a smile.
I know I would never ever change any of what happened if this was the end result of everything so far that had.
"We picked flowers." I say with an innocent smile. "And sunbathed."
Just put your arms around me, tell me everything's OK
