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    COTY

    Assailant -- Year 226

    QOTY

    "But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura


    [private]  you've got the light to fight the shadows; rhory lionheart
    #1

    You've got a heart as loud as lions, so why let your voice be tamed?
    This must be what dying feels like.

    I have been searching for Gendry for over two years. Since the moment I started wondering why he’d been gone so long, since that first nervous inkling that Something Wasn’t Right. Days flowed into weeks, and there was no sign. Weeks became months, and I scoured the fucking earth for him. Months became a year, and our girls were fully grown and off on their own, and I still couldn’t find my Gendry.

    I started to think he must have died, started to hate myself just a little for not knowing, for not being able to tell he’d been ripped out of the world and I was left alone. Because he would never have left me on purpose. Right? Of course not, we’ve been together forever, we were happier than ever, and he would never, never have just walked away without a word.

    Except he did.

    Except he fucking did. More than two years of searching, and I finally found him. Living in the Chamber, all happy and cozy and fucking adorable with a brand new son with his face and his blaze and that hair, and those stupidly, heart-wrenchingly cute baby eyes looking up at the man I’d spent the last two years missing and searching for, and calling him Dad. Like there could be any doubt whose son he is.

    He left, without a fucking word, and he has another family. Another kid, he fucked some other girl and he didn’t even have the decency to say goodbye, or tell me--or tell me why. I thought we were happy. I thought...I thought everything was fucking perfect, and it would be him and me ‘til the day one of us got our fool selves killed or eaten by a damn monster or dropped into a volcano or something and the other died of utter devastation or some shit, I don’t even know, okay, we were just supposed to be forever, and now he’s fucking--

    I can’t. I can’t fucking do this, I can’t, I can’t breathe, can’t even pull in enough air to scream or to cry or to make him fucking look me in the eye and tell me--tell me what? That he stopped loving me, and he didn’t even bother to say it? That he just woke up one day and I meant nothing to him? And our daughters meant nothing to him? He didn’t just leave me, he left them too.

    I should hate him. I should want to beat the shit out of him, even if the idea’s a fucking joke. Tiny-ass me, doing anything more impressive or valuable than throwing attitude around. Small and scruffy as hell and never much to look at, I wonder if she’s pretty. I wonder if she’s tall and leggy and hot, if her hips sway when she walks, I bet she’s so damn elegant and lovely and everything I’m not. Everything I never thought he cared about, not after the first time he really fucking looked at me.

    I always knew I wasn’t good enough for him. Too much fight, too much mouth, too much stomping and pushing and sass, not enough...not enough whatever the hell a woman’s supposed to be, I was never very good at that girly shit. I just...never thought he’d wise up. And never thought that if he did, he’d just...just quit me like I was nothing.

    I should say something. Should confront him. But I’m fracturing into a thousand pieces, and all I can do is run. All I can do is jump into the air and sprout wings and beg for the sky to carry me away, away, anywhere but here. Anywhere but close enough to see that magnificent little boy who isn’t mine, or the way his dad looks at him like he used to look at our girls.

    I can’t bear to stick around long enough to find out if he looks at the kid’s mom the way he used to look at me.

    My stupid, traitorous wings drag me through the air to the only place left in the world that has ever felt like home, even for only a minute. To a deserted little cave just outside the Tundra, in the fucking dead of winter again like an idiot. But it’s fine. This time I don’t care if I freeze to death anyhow. I lost Rhory here forever ago. Might as well curl up and fucking die here now that I’ve lost Gendry too.

    I won’t. That rat bastard left me and the girls, I’m not going to leave them too. But it’s the only place left in the world I feel safe, and I could use a little goddamn safe right now. If only so that I can fall apart in peace.

    The second I’m inside, I do exactly that. I curl up in a damn ball right where I cuddled up safe and sound with Rhory so very, very long ago. Torturing the hell out of him every time I burrowed into him for warmth or rubbed my cheek against his shoulder. So fucking oblivious. Just like I was so fucking oblivious that Gendry was over me. God, I’m so dumb, so fucking blind.

    No wonder they’re both gone. No wonder I’m alone.

    What little light exists in the cave draws into me, seeping into my skin and being devoured, leaving nothing but darkness. And when the darkness is complete, when no more light reaches my eyes and I feel just a little bit safe in the shadowed shelter of a cave that tried so hard to be home, the tears finally come. Quiet, because they’ve been a goddamn long time coming. Quiet, because I have nothing left to scream about. Quiet, because there is no sound on this earth that could convey how my heart is breaking.
    You've got the light to fight the shadows, so stop hiding it away.
    #2
    I have died every day waiting for you.
    Darling, don't be afraid. I have loved you for a thousand years.

    Life is … quiet.

    What else could it be? He eats, he sleeps, he avoids the other members of the Tundra … and nothing else. Nothing else. There’s nothing else for him. After all, he’s failed in everything he’s ever set his mind to do, hurt everyone he’s ever known. There’s no point in trying any more.

    He simply walks through the world alone, a shadow of his former self. A ghost.

    And his friends …

    He hasn’t seen them in years. But he never stops thinking about them, when he can actually spare a moment from his mind-numbing loneliness to think.

    He wonders how they’re doing, what their lives are like. Are they happy? Are they still in the Jungle? … do they have any children?

    But he doesn’t actually want to know. The knowing would hurt, more than anything. It’s better to wonder.

    This particular day begins like any other, his tired blue eyes blinking at the far away speck of light that is the mouth to his cave. He stares blankly for a moment, trying to pull the thoughts together in his head, then sighs and drags his heavy body up on to his feet.

    His feet carry him out the cave mouth, with no particular destination in mind. There’s really nothing for him to do here, besides live. There are no tasks for him to complete, no friends for him to visit. Nothing at all.

    He wanders aimlessly, eyes dead to the scenery he passes. That is, until they snag on something. Another cave.

    “Rhory lionheart …” Three youngsters, cuddled together against the cold …

    Once upon a time that memory would have made him cry, but these days … these days he has no tears left. The blade of the memory, long dulled by time, digs at him and his feet suddenly begin walking him towards the cave’s entrance. Just one quick look won’t hurt, will it?

    His shaggy head slips through the entrance, banging its crown on the cave roof (he remembers it being so much bigger). His watery eyes take a moment to adjust, but when they do, he can just make out a huddled shape on the dirty cave floor. It’s so, so dark.

    He takes a step forward, then another. His eyes strain hopelessly against the dark of the cave. “Hello?” Then a scent reaches his nose … a scent he recognizes. No … it can’t be …


    Rhory
    I'll love you for a thousand more.
    #3

    You've got a heart as loud as lions, so why let your voice be tamed?
    The last thing in the world I expect is to be found. To hear the rough clatter of hooves on stone, or a quiet, tentative little “Hello?” Oh god I know that voice. I’d know it anywhere. I’ve heard it in my dreams for years, and every time I’ve woken up so goddamn happy...only to remember why it had been so long. Only to have that happiness shatter all around me and rain down in glittering shards at my feet..

    This time…

    God, I want to run to him. I want to drag my sorry self to my feet and throw myself at him and curl up in his embrace and just sob until I’ve cried out every drop of water in my body and I’m nothing more than a husk, then dissolve into dust and blow away in the wind. I can’t do that to him, though, not to my Lionheart. It’s too late to stay quiet, too late to stay hidden. I should never have come here, I just didn’t expect--“Rhory?”

    And there’s endless agony in my voice, a depth of pain I’ve never heard before--no. No, that’s not quite true, is it? I’ve heard it in Gendry’s voice, in his family’s voices, grief so raw and new the sound of it grates at hearts that hear it, making even bystanders bleed and shake and weep for the soul who suffers so.

    God, I’m such a fucking drama queen.

    “I’m sorry,” I whisper, and my voice is still a jagged, broken thing, but at least it’s quieter now. “I shouldn’t have come. I just needed--but it doesn’t matter, I’m so sorry.” I can’t leave, not with him standing in the cave entrance. Can’t touch him, can’t hurt him like that, can’t fucking do anything right, I never have. I’m trying so damn hard to just breathe, but I choke on a sob and curl in on myself, shaking and trying to at least keep quiet.

    I swallow hard and take a deep breath before trying again. “I just need a minute, is that okay? Then I’ll go, I’m sorry, I just...I didn’t have anywhere else to go.”
    You've got the light to fight the shadows, so stop hiding it away.
    #4
    I have died every day waiting for you.
    Darling, don't be afraid. I have loved you for a thousand years.

    It is her, somehow.

    He’s frozen for a long moment, staring. He can’t manage to bring his mind to one single, comprehensible thought. She’s just … here.

    After god knows how long, his mind finally begins to pull itself back together, bit by bit. Arrya is talking, he suddenly realizes. And she’s … apologizing? Why is she apologizing?

    And wait, why is she here anyway? He remembers her last visit, she’d promised to never ‘bother’ him again (she could never bother him though). And where’s Gendry, surely he would not leave her side? Not like this?

    And … oh …

    She’s crying.

    “Arrya …”

    He steps forward, then stops, unsure of himself. He wants to reach out, to comfort her, to tell her everything is alright. But she knows now, she knows everything. Would she take it the wrong way?

    An errant thought strays through his mind, and he’s suddenly glad that it’s so dark, that she can’t see him. He’s changed so much since they last saw each other, he’s … well, he hasn’t exactly been taking good care of himself. His shaggy winter coat is long, dirty and matted, and his bones show through the scarred places where hair cannot grow. It hadn’t mattered to him before, but now, standing in front of Arrya, he suddenly feels incredibly embarrassed.

    The embarrassment is short lived though, as his thoughts once again centre upon Arrya’s obvious distress. Something … something doesn’t make sense here. Something is well and truly wrong. She’s just so upset (so unlike the energetic, light creature that he knows) … and with no Gendry here by her side …

    Has something happened to him?

    Rhory’s gut clenches and in spite of his nerves, he takes another step forward, though he’s still quite a respectful distance away from her.

    “Please … Arrya … don't go. What happened? What’s wrong?” Oh god please let Gendry not be dead.


    Rhory
    I'll love you for a thousand more.
    #5

    You've got a heart as loud as lions, so why let your voice be tamed?
    He should hate me for being so weak, for coming here knowing there was even the tiniest chance he’d find me. God, for wanting him to find me, I’m so fucking selfish, and I didn’t even dare to hope, not really. But the second I heard his voice, I felt safer. Oh, don’t get me wrong, the whole goddamn world is still falling apart, but at least my Lionheart is here, so I don’t have to fall apart alone.

    I hate myself just a little for the relief I feel when he says my name, so quiet, so unsure. And I want to close the distance between us, curl up against him and beg him to just hold me for a minute, just a minute, but I can’t do that to him. Selfish as I am, I wouldn’t--not after last time. Oh, but he steps a little closer, and I can’t stop myself from doing the same. Until he stops, and again I mirror his movement, scared to death I’ll do something to push him away. God, if he left right now…

    But of course he doesn’t. He’s my Rhory. He stood at my side for years, spending his life in quiet agony just to be close to me, just to keep his word that he’d never leave me alone. Alone. It echoes through my chest, through all the hollow places left behind by years of not knowing what had happened, why Gendry had disappeared, if he was okay. But even not knowing didn’t hurt as much as the truth.

    My brave Lionheart asks me not to go, and I’m not strong enough to walk away for his sake. I can’t really see him in the dark of the cave, but my heart still knows his sad blue eyes and I can feel them on me, can feel his worry crossing the distance between us. When he asks what happened...I expected I’d break down crying again, trying to say the words. Instead, all I have left is quiet desolation. Maybe I’m all cried out. I’ve already shed so many tears over Gendry these last few years, maybe I’ve finally run out.

    Ha, of course I haven’t. But for right now. Maybe I’ve finally run out for right now. “He left me.” I can’t even stand to say his name, it hurts so fucking much, like punching a hole in my ribcage and tearing my heart out. “He’s been gone for years, and I’ve been looking all this time, and I finally found him, and he has a whole new family, this cute little boy--he’s fucking some other girl, didn’t even say goodbye, he just left me, Rhory. Like I was nothing. Like our girls were nothing. The damn kid’s gorgeous too, I bet his mom’s so fucking perfect, and I--”

    My shoulders slump, my head’s too heavy to hold up anymore, and I just want to curl up on the floor and die. Well, no. But maybe lapse into a coma for a few months, I’d be okay with that. Until the agony dulls to a sad little aching reminder of how fucking worthless I am. How could I be anything else, if the man I loved since I was a kid could just walk away like that? I mean, I always knew it. Deep down. So many people I loved have turned their back on me, there’s got to be something wrong, right? People have been leaving me from day one, why should Gendry be any different?

    I really thought he was, though. Would’ve punched out anyone who said otherwise, so sure he was dumb enough to really love me back. “I guess he finally figured out what everyone else knew a long time ago. I just...I don’t know what I did, I never saw it coming, god, how long was he faking still loving me and I was too dumb to see it? Looking back, I still can’t--” I cut myself off mid-sentence, because it’s not fucking fair of me to burden Rhory with any of this. “I’m sorry. I should...I should go. Somewhere. I promised you I wouldn’t--it just hurts so fucking much I can barely breathe, Rhor, and this is the only place I could think of that didn’t feel like him, and…”

    And I couldn’t bear to be surrounded by happy memories of the two of us. The happy memories from here were drowned out by the grief of losing Rhory so long ago, and it felt right, coming back. I lost the first one of My Boys here. It seemed only fitting to come back when I finally lost the second.
    You've got the light to fight the shadows, so stop hiding it away.
    #6
    I have died every day waiting for you.
    Darling, don't be afraid. I have loved you for a thousand years.

    God how he wishes he knew what to do.

    
Rhory stands there awkwardly, staring at Arrya as her face twists at some unknown pain. She’s not crying any more though, which is something … but when she finally opens her mouth to answer he can’t understand why.

    “He what?!”

    Now, Rhory has always been a kinder, gentler sort, despite his large size (and in complete contradiction to what his many scars seem to suggest). But when Arrya reveals what he’d done … what Gendry, his best friend, had done to her, something snaps inside of him.

    Rage bubbles up from a place he hadn’t known existed, filling every inch of his massive, old scarred body. He trembles with the need to do something, to rend, to tear, but the object of his ire isn’t anywhere he can reach.

    “Where is he Arrya? Where, the fuck, is he?” He thinks of Gendry, with his new family and new children, leaving Arrya, his Arrya behind without a second thought and his anger boils. “I’m going to fucking kill him. Where the fuck is he?”

    But she’s still talking somehow, and through his anger he can hear a note of self-derision enter her voice that he does not like one bit. “What the fuck do you mean Arrya, that he finally figured out what everyone else knew a long time ago? Don’t delude yourself into thinking you’re anything less than amazing, just because he’s an asshole. You deserve far, far better than what he’s done to you.”

    His dark hoof paws at the cave floor. “And no Arrya, you’re not going anywhere. You’re staying right here with me. Well, you’re staying here and I’m going to track that bastard down and kick his fucking face in. Where is he?”


    Rhory
    I'll love you for a thousand more.


    :|
    #7

    You've got a heart as loud as lions, so why let your voice be tamed?
    I don’t know what I was expecting. I guess I wasn’t expecting anything, really, the words just came pouring out without a moment’s thought for the future. Just my pain, pouring out my mouth and spilling out onto the cave floor. God, I never fucking think, do I? So I didn’t exactly expect my Lionheart’s outrage, his fury. Maybe I should have. Hell. I’m so fucking dumb sometimes, of course he wasn’t just going to nod and smile and agree with me that I was shit and deserved to be left without a word, that it was just a matter of time, that of course no one could love me enough to stay.

    So fucking dumb.

    I feel so goddamn awful the second he starts to get angry. He was Gendry’s best friend once, I should never have gone to him about something that might damage their relationship. Not that they really fucking had one at this point, but what kind of friend does shit like that? Badmouths someone to a mutual friend? I want to crawl into a hole and just rot away into oblivion, hating myself just a little bit more for how I screwed everything up again. Like fucking always.

    “Rhory, please,” I beg, and the words come out so soft, barely more than a whisper in contrast to the rage that sets his body to vibrating with the need to lash out at the person who cause me pain. “Please, just...just leave it. It’s not worth it.” I’m not worth it. But I’m not quite stupid enough to say that part, even if the truth of it’s devouring me from the inside. I’m not worth the fight. “He made his choice. And I just…” I trail off, my throat tight with, goddammit, more tears fighting to well up and pour down my already tear-stained cheeks. So much for being done crying over him.

    Rhory’s next words...well, they don’t make me feel better, exactly. Because what the hell could at a time like this? But it’s been a long goddamn time since anyone...since anyone thought I was amazing. It actually hurts to hear the words, so dissonant with the ones that have been spinning around in my head more and more these last years, and have been a nonstop whirlwind of self-deprecation since the moment I saw Gendry with his son. And it’s not...it’s not until he tells me I’m staying with him that I can breathe through that pain and let it wash over me. It still doesn’t feel accurate, but...but it sounds like truth, coming from my Lionheart’s lips.

    Instead of answering, I give into the need that’s been pulling me forward, begging me to tuck myself up against Rhory’s side and curl into him and just be close to him for the first time in fucking forever. He told me to stay.  I finally close the distance between us, stopping just short of touching. All it would take is a little bit of a lean, and I could be wrapped up in my Lionheart's embrace. I can't quite bring myself to lean that last little bit, too afraid of hurting him to manage to touch even though I want to so badly it makes my chest ache.

    God, I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything's going to be okay. Even if it's a damn lie.

    “Please, just...just stay with me instead? Just hold me, just for a minute? I really don’t want to be alone right now. I mean, you don’t have to, it’s--it’s fine, if you don’t want to.” Fuck, I shouldn’t have asked that, should I? Not fair, so goddamn unfair to ask him to hold me when I know how much it hurt him last time. “Sorry. Fuck, I’m sorry, I’ll be fine. You don’t have to.”
    You've got the light to fight the shadows, so stop hiding it away.




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