08-16-2016, 01:36 PM
He should hate me for being so weak, for coming here knowing there was even the tiniest chance he’d find me. God, for wanting him to find me, I’m so fucking selfish, and I didn’t even dare to hope, not really. But the second I heard his voice, I felt safer. Oh, don’t get me wrong, the whole goddamn world is still falling apart, but at least my Lionheart is here, so I don’t have to fall apart alone.
I hate myself just a little for the relief I feel when he says my name, so quiet, so unsure. And I want to close the distance between us, curl up against him and beg him to just hold me for a minute, just a minute, but I can’t do that to him. Selfish as I am, I wouldn’t--not after last time. Oh, but he steps a little closer, and I can’t stop myself from doing the same. Until he stops, and again I mirror his movement, scared to death I’ll do something to push him away. God, if he left right now…
But of course he doesn’t. He’s my Rhory. He stood at my side for years, spending his life in quiet agony just to be close to me, just to keep his word that he’d never leave me alone. Alone. It echoes through my chest, through all the hollow places left behind by years of not knowing what had happened, why Gendry had disappeared, if he was okay. But even not knowing didn’t hurt as much as the truth.
My brave Lionheart asks me not to go, and I’m not strong enough to walk away for his sake. I can’t really see him in the dark of the cave, but my heart still knows his sad blue eyes and I can feel them on me, can feel his worry crossing the distance between us. When he asks what happened...I expected I’d break down crying again, trying to say the words. Instead, all I have left is quiet desolation. Maybe I’m all cried out. I’ve already shed so many tears over Gendry these last few years, maybe I’ve finally run out.
Ha, of course I haven’t. But for right now. Maybe I’ve finally run out for right now. “He left me.” I can’t even stand to say his name, it hurts so fucking much, like punching a hole in my ribcage and tearing my heart out. “He’s been gone for years, and I’ve been looking all this time, and I finally found him, and he has a whole new family, this cute little boy--he’s fucking some other girl, didn’t even say goodbye, he just left me, Rhory. Like I was nothing. Like our girls were nothing. The damn kid’s gorgeous too, I bet his mom’s so fucking perfect, and I--”
My shoulders slump, my head’s too heavy to hold up anymore, and I just want to curl up on the floor and die. Well, no. But maybe lapse into a coma for a few months, I’d be okay with that. Until the agony dulls to a sad little aching reminder of how fucking worthless I am. How could I be anything else, if the man I loved since I was a kid could just walk away like that? I mean, I always knew it. Deep down. So many people I loved have turned their back on me, there’s got to be something wrong, right? People have been leaving me from day one, why should Gendry be any different?
I really thought he was, though. Would’ve punched out anyone who said otherwise, so sure he was dumb enough to really love me back. “I guess he finally figured out what everyone else knew a long time ago. I just...I don’t know what I did, I never saw it coming, god, how long was he faking still loving me and I was too dumb to see it? Looking back, I still can’t--” I cut myself off mid-sentence, because it’s not fucking fair of me to burden Rhory with any of this. “I’m sorry. I should...I should go. Somewhere. I promised you I wouldn’t--it just hurts so fucking much I can barely breathe, Rhor, and this is the only place I could think of that didn’t feel like him, and…”
And I couldn’t bear to be surrounded by happy memories of the two of us. The happy memories from here were drowned out by the grief of losing Rhory so long ago, and it felt right, coming back. I lost the first one of My Boys here. It seemed only fitting to come back when I finally lost the second.
I hate myself just a little for the relief I feel when he says my name, so quiet, so unsure. And I want to close the distance between us, curl up against him and beg him to just hold me for a minute, just a minute, but I can’t do that to him. Selfish as I am, I wouldn’t--not after last time. Oh, but he steps a little closer, and I can’t stop myself from doing the same. Until he stops, and again I mirror his movement, scared to death I’ll do something to push him away. God, if he left right now…
But of course he doesn’t. He’s my Rhory. He stood at my side for years, spending his life in quiet agony just to be close to me, just to keep his word that he’d never leave me alone. Alone. It echoes through my chest, through all the hollow places left behind by years of not knowing what had happened, why Gendry had disappeared, if he was okay. But even not knowing didn’t hurt as much as the truth.
My brave Lionheart asks me not to go, and I’m not strong enough to walk away for his sake. I can’t really see him in the dark of the cave, but my heart still knows his sad blue eyes and I can feel them on me, can feel his worry crossing the distance between us. When he asks what happened...I expected I’d break down crying again, trying to say the words. Instead, all I have left is quiet desolation. Maybe I’m all cried out. I’ve already shed so many tears over Gendry these last few years, maybe I’ve finally run out.
Ha, of course I haven’t. But for right now. Maybe I’ve finally run out for right now. “He left me.” I can’t even stand to say his name, it hurts so fucking much, like punching a hole in my ribcage and tearing my heart out. “He’s been gone for years, and I’ve been looking all this time, and I finally found him, and he has a whole new family, this cute little boy--he’s fucking some other girl, didn’t even say goodbye, he just left me, Rhory. Like I was nothing. Like our girls were nothing. The damn kid’s gorgeous too, I bet his mom’s so fucking perfect, and I--”
My shoulders slump, my head’s too heavy to hold up anymore, and I just want to curl up on the floor and die. Well, no. But maybe lapse into a coma for a few months, I’d be okay with that. Until the agony dulls to a sad little aching reminder of how fucking worthless I am. How could I be anything else, if the man I loved since I was a kid could just walk away like that? I mean, I always knew it. Deep down. So many people I loved have turned their back on me, there’s got to be something wrong, right? People have been leaving me from day one, why should Gendry be any different?
I really thought he was, though. Would’ve punched out anyone who said otherwise, so sure he was dumb enough to really love me back. “I guess he finally figured out what everyone else knew a long time ago. I just...I don’t know what I did, I never saw it coming, god, how long was he faking still loving me and I was too dumb to see it? Looking back, I still can’t--” I cut myself off mid-sentence, because it’s not fucking fair of me to burden Rhory with any of this. “I’m sorry. I should...I should go. Somewhere. I promised you I wouldn’t--it just hurts so fucking much I can barely breathe, Rhor, and this is the only place I could think of that didn’t feel like him, and…”
And I couldn’t bear to be surrounded by happy memories of the two of us. The happy memories from here were drowned out by the grief of losing Rhory so long ago, and it felt right, coming back. I lost the first one of My Boys here. It seemed only fitting to come back when I finally lost the second.