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+---- Thread: [private] i'll be your reason to fight; daddy (/showthread.php?tid=21600)
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RE: i'll be your reason to fight; daddy - Disastardly - 11-11-2018
Ugh, her little man was the cutest damn thing, wasn’t he? Dizzy fussed over him and lipped at him and snuggled the hell out of him, so fuckin’ proud of her sassy little imp. And it melted her heart how damn cute him and his daddy were together.
Ugh, fuck, this was what it should’ve been like last time. She should’ve melted all over her little girls, fussed and doted and loved on them and gotten so caught up in their little sassy little grins, their twinkly eyes, their mischief and their cozy baby snuggles. She should’ve breathed in the scent of baby on their skin and fallen head over heels in love with them.
They deserved so much better than the broken girl she’d been. Maybe it wasn’t too late to fix it.
Dov looked at her with those tired eyes, black rimmed in weary red, and she reached out and brushed her lips against his cheek. “Soon, love,” she said softly, lingering against his skin and nuzzling him. “We’ll find a safe place soon. I have to find the girls.” She blushed, pulled back and ducked her head.
“I...oh. Should tell you. The--the baby. Was two. Girls. One’s…” She bit her lip and glanced up at him, not quite sure how to tell him. But he loved Defy so damn much, maybe he’d want to know. Hadn’t seemed like it when they talked last, but… “yours,” she finished softly, eyes locked on his face to catch every fleeting expression.
“I...she doesn’t know yet. I was gonna introduce you when...well, when you came back to...see me,” and those last two words were whispered as her face fell a little. She bit the corner of her lip, her gaze dropping to the ground. He’d promised to come back for her, to come home to her, and...and the days had stretched into months, had stretched into a year. “I...didn’t handle things well. Think…”
She wrapped Defy up in a little hug, draping her neck over him and tucking her chin against his side. “I had a really hard time with being a mom. Fucked a lot of things up. Broke Zor’s heart, ‘cause I haven’t been...we’re not...together. I know you said to go fix thing with him, but...I don’t want him like that. Told you I’m all yours and I meant it, apparently. Unless you don't--”
Unless you don’t want me. Fuck, and why would he after everything? After how badly she’d failed his daughter, after that fucking monster--nope. Breathe. Deep slow breaths don’t put that on him. She closed her eyes and pushed it all down, pushed it all away and just breathed and held her baby boy and tried not to remember all the reasons Dov might not wanna touch her anymore.
Shit. So much for being less broken. “Anyhow,” she whispered, not meeting his eyes. “I have to find the girls first.” And Zor too, she supposed, though hopefully they were together. “Then we can make our way to one of the safe places.”
Ugh, fuck, this was what it should’ve been like last time. She should’ve melted all over her little girls, fussed and doted and loved on them and gotten so caught up in their little sassy little grins, their twinkly eyes, their mischief and their cozy baby snuggles. She should’ve breathed in the scent of baby on their skin and fallen head over heels in love with them.
They deserved so much better than the broken girl she’d been. Maybe it wasn’t too late to fix it.
Dov looked at her with those tired eyes, black rimmed in weary red, and she reached out and brushed her lips against his cheek. “Soon, love,” she said softly, lingering against his skin and nuzzling him. “We’ll find a safe place soon. I have to find the girls.” She blushed, pulled back and ducked her head.
“I...oh. Should tell you. The--the baby. Was two. Girls. One’s…” She bit her lip and glanced up at him, not quite sure how to tell him. But he loved Defy so damn much, maybe he’d want to know. Hadn’t seemed like it when they talked last, but… “yours,” she finished softly, eyes locked on his face to catch every fleeting expression.
“I...she doesn’t know yet. I was gonna introduce you when...well, when you came back to...see me,” and those last two words were whispered as her face fell a little. She bit the corner of her lip, her gaze dropping to the ground. He’d promised to come back for her, to come home to her, and...and the days had stretched into months, had stretched into a year. “I...didn’t handle things well. Think…”
She wrapped Defy up in a little hug, draping her neck over him and tucking her chin against his side. “I had a really hard time with being a mom. Fucked a lot of things up. Broke Zor’s heart, ‘cause I haven’t been...we’re not...together. I know you said to go fix thing with him, but...I don’t want him like that. Told you I’m all yours and I meant it, apparently. Unless you don't--”
Unless you don’t want me. Fuck, and why would he after everything? After how badly she’d failed his daughter, after that fucking monster--nope. Breathe. Deep slow breaths don’t put that on him. She closed her eyes and pushed it all down, pushed it all away and just breathed and held her baby boy and tried not to remember all the reasons Dov might not wanna touch her anymore.
Shit. So much for being less broken. “Anyhow,” she whispered, not meeting his eyes. “I have to find the girls first.” And Zor too, she supposed, though hopefully they were together. “Then we can make our way to one of the safe places.”
RE: i'll be your reason to fight; daddy - Dovev - 11-18-2018
dovev
we're slaves to any semblance of touch
Lord, we should quit but we love it too much
RE: i'll be your reason to fight; daddy - Disastardly - 11-20-2018
His silence was deafening, ringing in her ears and echoing out through the whole damn forest with the sound of cracks racing across the surface of her heart. Not even a shut up, dummy, of course I do, just agonizing silence that felt so goddamn loud, a nod that could’ve been to any part of what she’d said, and clinging onto the subject change their daughter and her sister presented.
She closed her eyes and breathed through the pain in her chest, through the way her throat clenched and her eyes burned and she had to fight to breathe normally like she wasn’t dying, like she wasn’t shattering all over again into a million pieces. She nodded back, holding Defy tighter until he squirmed just a tiny bit in sleepy protest over the pressure.
Sorry, baby, she thought with little nibble at his withers and a soft huff of breath against his skin. He just snuggled a little deeper against her and drifted closer to sleep, apparently bored by all this baffling grownup talk. She snuck a soft little kiss to his fuzzy baby cheek, breathing in the scent of his skin, eyes closed so they couldn’t fill with tears.
So Dov didn’t want her, not really. Wasn’t like she could blame him, or like she didn’t already know that, was it? She didn’t have to be his, just like that stupid goddamn fever nightmare. She could be hers. She could be Defy’s. She could be Zoe’s and Zynnie’s, if they wanted. If they let her. If she hadn’t already fucked that up too far to ever come back from it.
“Sure,” she said softly, trying so fucking hard not to let her voice waver, pretending for all she was worth like he hadn’t said anything in that silence. “Pick a place, I don’t care. I don’t know any of them.Whichever you think is best.” She should protest, should be a good mom and find her girls herself, but at this point, what was failing them one more time, really? At least she was putting them in hands she trusted.
You’re the only home I’ve ever known anyhow, she didn’t say out loud, not when he wouldn’t say it back. Not when he’d already shown her over the last year that he didn’t want her to be his home, no matter what he’d said once upon a time. She should’ve known better. She wasn’t the kind of girl who got the weird little happily ever after she’d dreamed of with him. She was disaster, and she was broken, and she wasn’t meant for fairy tale endings.
She closed her eyes and breathed through the pain in her chest, through the way her throat clenched and her eyes burned and she had to fight to breathe normally like she wasn’t dying, like she wasn’t shattering all over again into a million pieces. She nodded back, holding Defy tighter until he squirmed just a tiny bit in sleepy protest over the pressure.
Sorry, baby, she thought with little nibble at his withers and a soft huff of breath against his skin. He just snuggled a little deeper against her and drifted closer to sleep, apparently bored by all this baffling grownup talk. She snuck a soft little kiss to his fuzzy baby cheek, breathing in the scent of his skin, eyes closed so they couldn’t fill with tears.
So Dov didn’t want her, not really. Wasn’t like she could blame him, or like she didn’t already know that, was it? She didn’t have to be his, just like that stupid goddamn fever nightmare. She could be hers. She could be Defy’s. She could be Zoe’s and Zynnie’s, if they wanted. If they let her. If she hadn’t already fucked that up too far to ever come back from it.
“Sure,” she said softly, trying so fucking hard not to let her voice waver, pretending for all she was worth like he hadn’t said anything in that silence. “Pick a place, I don’t care. I don’t know any of them.Whichever you think is best.” She should protest, should be a good mom and find her girls herself, but at this point, what was failing them one more time, really? At least she was putting them in hands she trusted.
You’re the only home I’ve ever known anyhow, she didn’t say out loud, not when he wouldn’t say it back. Not when he’d already shown her over the last year that he didn’t want her to be his home, no matter what he’d said once upon a time. She should’ve known better. She wasn’t the kind of girl who got the weird little happily ever after she’d dreamed of with him. She was disaster, and she was broken, and she wasn’t meant for fairy tale endings.
RE: i'll be your reason to fight; daddy - Dovev - 11-23-2018
dovev
we're slaves to any semblance of touch
Lord, we should quit but we love it too much