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Circinae; - Ruan - 04-06-2017 Ruan There was a brokenness inside him. An ache that never quite went away. A hollow, gaping void in his chest, always reaching, grasping for something that wasn't there. Stolen away or destroyed. Gone and empty, but bleeding out his pain. Bleeding and bleeding and never slowing, always flowing. Dripping sadness and sorrow, so much hurt. It hid behind a dark face, behind blue eyes and a steady stare. He'd stopped patrolling, his face upturned to the sky. What was once his time to hunt as a wolf was now a walk to remember, a path through the land or around the outskirts. Alone. He knew what it was like to be up there, among the clouds and the stars with large wings of downy white cutting effortlessly through the sky. The scars at his sides burned with the memory, the muscles underneath long withered away in disuse. He never made the wings of ice anymore either. Didn't like to remember. The beast in his mind stirred as he stared into that world he once traveled. An echo of the creature reflected the movement in his chest, maybe in his heart, as though it were in both places. Maybe it always had been. Or maybe without that foreign light, another's soul, it had the freedom to move in wherever it wished. He didn't know, didn't care to understand it. Only accepted it as a new normal. What else was he to do? But it stirred, coiled and twisted and unraveled itself silently like a dark shadow, turning a glowing stare to his mind's eye. It never spoke, if it really was a separate being. He never needed it to, could always read its intent in the way it moved or held itself. Body language was his language too, even though this thing didn't always seem to have real form. And so he didn't turn when it signaled with a simple glance her presence, her approach. It's pleasure. Do you remember my wings, he asked softly, as though not to wake the sleeping forest around them, eyes still staring up at the night sky, tracing slow paths among distant constellations. A sad, empty sort of smile slowly curled his lips, a hollow and short laugh from his chest. I loved sheltering Jinju and Heda beneath them. As though I could always protect them if only they could stay with me forever. Never grow older, never.. learn to hate me. He let it fade away, finding the direction of his thoughts far too deep, too vulnerable to share. A change then. Something else instead. He finally lowered his eyes, turned to settle them on her, the familiar deepwater of her hair and evergreen of her skin faded by the darkness of night, to the dark eyes shining back. I'm glad you're here. It wasn't really enough though, was it? Didn't really say everything he meant. He had no idea he was bringing her home to an upheaval when he found her in the field that day. The changes were so sudden, so unforeseen. So painfully surprising. But necessary. Things would settle now, wouldn't they? He'd learn to.. work his way through this. Or something. You stayed through it all, he shrugged, turned his gaze back to the darkness beneath the trees. That feels promising somehow. Almost like trust, if he still knew how to trust anyone. It felt like too frightening a thing to try lately. Maybe in time. RE: Circinae; - Circinae - 04-06-2017 oh, my love, don't forsake me. take what the water gave me .. Circinae RE: Circinae; - Ruan - 04-09-2017 Ruan When he first met her eyes, he thought he found… something. Something he’d unknowingly needed. Understanding, maybe? But it was gone before he could put a name to it, flashed and replaced in an instant by a bright sharpness as she jerked her eyes away. He frowned, confused. He’d said something wrong again, something that upset her. He wasn’t sure what; he’d only meant to try and open up to her, share a part of him nobody else received. He quickly learned not to do that, silently rebuilt the walls that kept everyone at bay. Now, her included. Her voice was just as sharp, had his chest tightening and his blood running cold. His stare turned hard as he listened to her accusation. What about his promise to lead them, she said, and he was only further confused. What had he said to make her think he would be doing anything different? Of course, he was staying. Of course, he was still holding his place here, leading and protecting them. The only difference was that he was alone in it now, no longer his wife at his side. Ex-wife, he reminded himself. It didn’t seem to matter how many times he thought it, he still felt like he was married. ”If you push us all away, who’ll be left, Ruan?” He shook his head. I haven’t pushed anyone away, Circinae. What are you talking about? Well, he’d told Reagan not to return home, and nobody knew that but those directly involved, but that certainly wasn’t pushing her away. That was asserting himself and making it clear he was not one to tolerate unfaithfulness. That wasn’t anyone’s business but his and Reagan’s though, and she very well could have just come back and held her place. She chose not to. The Taigans didn’t need to know the details. He would not soil his wife’s name. Ex-wife. Where is this coming from, Circinae? RE: Circinae; - Circinae - 04-09-2017 oh, my love, don't forsake me. take what the water gave me .. Circinae RE: Circinae; - Ruan - 04-09-2017 Ruan Everything was getting worse. Everything was getting heavier. He'd thought if they crossed paths tonight.. that he'd find comfort in her presence, strength in her as he always had before. But that solid strength was quickly becoming a weight pushing back on him, not holding him steady. He should never hope to depend on another, even for a moment while he tries to find his feet again. He was tired of falling on his face. And the thing in his mind. Where the hell was he? Always so intrigued when she was near and now suddenly so silent. Only a glance at him to note her presence and now gravely still. She sighed and said Jinju felt she should apologize to Circy. Good. She had needed to apologize, she'd acted surprisingly bitter towards Circy with no apparent cause. All Circinae had ever been to her was kind. She didn't deserve that. But she continued, told him Jinju had thought the two of them were getting too close. His brows pulled together as he turned to study her, her darkened figure leaving the shadows to join him. "I thought we were too, especially when we came together on nights like this." He held still, frozen in place with lungs gone worthless and his heart suddenly racing. Sharp eyes searched hers, desperate. She couldn't mean that the way it sounded, could she? He'd been married, she'd known he was married. She was beautiful, breath-taking, and made him feel steady when he swore all he ever did was trip and fall. He only had to look in her eyes to feel grounded again, connected when he was so very disconnected. But he was married. Or had been. Could she really believe so little of him? That such a bond could be shed like a cloak the moment one got bored or the weight too much to bear? Did marriage mean nothing to anyone anymore? He felt a rage boiling up inside him. Why the hell did they think so little of him? How could they ever doubt his loyalty? Didn't anyone know him at all? His jaw clenched tight as he waited for her to finish. Something about lashing out at Heda that didn't make a bit of sense to him. He hadn't lashed, hadn't even snapped; had only made it clear that if any of them had a problem with what was expected of them, they could leave. Silently. Why was that not okay? Then a confession, that she had fallen in love with him. At one time he may have been able to believe it, but this whole encounter was feeling more and more wrong. Is that why the beast was so silent? It no longer trusted her, no longer believed she was genuine? And as she continued, her voice and expression so picture-perfectly sad and sorrowful, he realized what this really was. It was guilt, and it sure as hell wasn't his. Enough. Hard and final, he stared into dark eyes and stepped forward. When he needed comfort and support, needed a friend, something already so foreign to him, he had instead found someone beating at his bleeding legs to make him fall lower. Instead of understanding; more accusations, more pain, more faults signed off in his name. If you know me at all, you should know that I am faithful. I was married, Circinae. Doesn't matter to who -to you, to her, to anyone- doesn't matter how rocky or how happy it was, I would Never jeopardize such a union. God, and he was technically single now? Had he been married to her instead of Reagan, he'd never do wrong by her. He'd always thought that was something people would respect. He could be trusted to always remain faithful. Always. But this wasn't really about that, was it? There was something bothering her, something itching under her skin. If she was so unhappy here with him then why did she stay? If you don't want to be here, then leave. I won't stop you. Was that it? Did she want her freedom, an excuse to leave and never come back? Wanted to blame it on a broken heart? God, because his was surely breaking all over again. It wasn't enough to lose his wife, to be accused of things he'd never do only to find her doing those very things; he had to lose Circinae too? The one person that made him feel strong and whole when everything inside was falling to pieces. The one that had roused that damn beast in his mind as no one else had? He wished she wasn't important to him. He wished this didn't feel like scars reopened. He wasn't enough for his wife -ex-wife. Maybe he could never be enough for her either. RE: Circinae; - Circinae - 04-09-2017 oh, my love, don't forsake me. take what the water gave me .. Circinae RE: Circinae; - Ruan - 04-15-2017
God, he was stressed. He was swiftly getting a terrible headache, and adding his chill didn't help. Taking the chill away didn't help. And whatever the hell was happening here was not helping. What was this? In a heavy silence, he watched her partially shift with snapping jaws and glittering, fierce eyes, his chest tight and expression hard. He thought for sure that would have stirred the beast, but no. Still it lay in its shadows, disinterested. He could have growled at it in frustration. What the hell was its deal? Whatever. Fine, he'd deal with it on his own. And it could just keep to its little corner and not bother him again. Don't complicate this anymore than it already was. He sighed heavily as she spoke, as she continued to accuse him. No, he hadn't thought she was trying to sway him from Reagan. He'd never think such a thing of her. He just couldn't understand why she'd feel they were becoming too close when she knew he was married. Didn't she know he was faithful? God, this was getting messier as they continued. She didn't seem to understand him, the man he was, and with every breath she became more and more confusing and self-contradicting. What the hell was this? First, she claimed that she fell in love with him. And now, it had only been a longing for a feeling, and not him at all. It had nothing to do with him, she said. So, alright. Whatever. She didn't know what she wanted, big deal. As if he hadn't had enough of that recently. He knew one day they would clash. Their wolves were both so powerful, so fierce. He had foreseen little scuffles with her, having to re-earn her wolf's trust and loyalty for anyone but itself. He was ready for that. Eager for it, even. Wanted to be worthy for her, and her wolf. But this? This was not what he'd expected at all. This was not her strength battling his, their wills pushing against each other until one gave way in a clap of power. He didn't know what the hell this was, but his beast's continued silence told him more than enough. It was not impressed. He sighed again and shook his head, weary of this rift thrusting its way between them. They'd had something, hadn't they? The start of something new, something good in the midst of all the bad tumbling around him, piling at his feet. Was it gone so swiftly? "None of this was your fault, and I'm certain you already know it. What has happened is between her and I and no other. At the fault of no other." Not even the bastard she'd- It didn't matter. He couldn't help it. He tugged back on his Winter, pulled it as far inside him as he could manage and stepped to her. His breath rolled against her cheek, eyes heavy-lidded with a sorrow at their tension as he drifted to her jaw. To the start of her neck where he finally lay his nose lightly against her. Another step and a tuck of his chin brought his forehead pressed into her. He breathed her scent and sighed it out. "I'm not a King," he reminded her softly, pulling away and stepping back again, "just a man. And your life is your own. You must choose for yourself where you want it to go." Or if you want it to stay. RE: Circinae; - Circinae - 04-16-2017 oh, my love, don't forsake me. take what the water gave me .. Circinae RE: Circinae; - Ruan - 04-16-2017
She was so soft beneath his touch, so surprisingly pliant. And so very still. He was grateful for that, most especially. Had she leaned into it or pressed for more, he wasn’t at all sure what might have happened. He was glad they wouldn’t have to find out, as she pulled back with a silent nod. In the moment before she turned away, her eyes opened to reveal a curious thing that had his head tilting and an amused smile spreading despite the tense and bizarre events that had just unfolded moments before. Maybe she did know what she wanted after all. The worry that this was irreparable between them melted away then. He shook his head in wonder at the confusing workings of women and grinned at her retreating back. He wasn’t sure if they’d worked things out, or if there ever was anything at all to work out in the first place, but he was glad she’d found happiness. Even as it sent a sharp spear of pain through his chest at his own situation, at everything he’d had and, in but a brief moment, at everything he’d lost. His face sobered as he turned back to the lonely night sky. And wondered if he’d ever find a truly lasting love to match his own. But it would be such a very long time before he was ready to try. If he ever would be. Perhaps Reagan had been that one love that could never be replaced. That could never be had again. He had his children, and this family of people he protected, cared for. He wasn't wealthy but he was rich. Rich with blessings and a different sort of love. A more lasting love, it seemed. |