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writing feedback - Pride88 - 11-15-2015
looking for feedback on the new venture that is fynnegan. i feel like he is telling me to write him first person... but i'm missing something. also he is telling me he's scottish/irish. so there is that. so i'm struggling. but I want him to be good. so help? ideas? helpful critiques?
It had been quite some time since I left me ma and pa. Their sweet little life with their soon to be sweet, but slightly larger, family. Me ma and pa were good folk. They were loving- raised me away from the temptations of power and the corruptions of a big realm like Bequanna. Ma told me stories of this place, of the rolling hills and fiery pits. The vast forests and scorching desert that house the dynamic beasts that I have dreamed of seeing in person all me life. Pa didn't care for me to come back here, he wanted a quiet life for me. I tried to make me pa happy by not returning here, I did, but ye can't deny your heart its dream.
This place is a wonder it is. I just wish these damn little legs could carry me faster so I could see more. Wee little legs on a wee little horse- yes i know what good could I do here? Well that is what I came to find out. Me Ma would tell me to rise. Rise to the top, to power, to the occasion. Ay to rise- that is what I shall do. I am sure a wee little horse can find a place, I just want to see it first! Ah the adventure. damn wee legs move faster there are places to go. This meadow is vast and there are wee folk on stilts to meet. Rise to the adventure.
Me black coat is shiny, I know I must be drawing attention, I don't see others like me. I may look like a babe but I am full grown, Pa said I am from a line of proud Falabellas. Small ponies, but we have more heart than the big ones Ma would add. I perfect my stature making the most of my wee size. I may be small but I am fine- if I do say so myself. My legs are short and meet my toned lean barrel. My ear come to a fine point and my face hold masculine features. Before I left the family, before me maw had weened Ryhnn, Pa had said I grew into a fine young thing, Ma added I would go far. I know I have reasons to turn heads. I have to make the right message, make the best impression- rise to the right occasion.
I stop my wee little legs in a small clearing. I hoping into a rear, and I call for a foe- an friend- a meeting. I am the son of Tierney and Harlequinn. I have their name to uphold.
Come forward you giants, I wish to learn wha this land has to offer.
RE: writing feedback - Cassi - 11-16-2015
take everything I say with a grain of salt because everyone's style and opinions are different and that is even more true with writing.
There are some strong lines in here:
- Ma told me stories of this place, of the rolling hills and fiery pits. The vast forests and scorching desert that house the dynamic beasts that I have dreamed of seeing in person all me life. (I love the phrase 'dynamic beasts')
- Me Ma would tell me to rise. Rise to the top, to power, to the occasion. (I love the rule of threes, love the slightly different applications of 'rise')
- I am the son of Tierney and Harlequinn. I have their name to uphold. (this folds in so well with the history you're weaving)
overall I like that you're building the history (I am a slut for backstory).
for the critique, there are some basic grammatical errors (missing commas, an 'I' not capitalized, 'Ma' capitalized in one sentence where it's not in the rest, weened instead of weaned, etc). Fixing these helps with flow, readability, etc.
now for the opinion - I'm personally not a fan of the Irish thing, it feels almost...kitschy? and it might get harder and harder to maintain. If you want to keep it in (and if the character is telling you he wants it, then listen), possibly tone it down? e.g. remove the 'me ma and pa' and just write 'ma and pa' - it keeps the idea, but lessens the overwhelming brogue.
(actually thinking about it now I think the 'me' thing is what bothers me the most, but again, that's totally just my taste)
I don't know if this was helpful at all but anyway there's my opinion
RE: writing feedback - Pride88 - 11-16-2015
Thanks!!
I think I am going to toss the irish thing... it was what made the post hard to write beyond the second paragraph.... grammar and I are not friends.... mostly my iPad and auto-correct has ruined my capitilization of "i"
Thanks Cassi!