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just do what you do what you do what you did to me; NEVI - Lieschel - 04-19-2016 Lieschel The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself. RE: just do what you do what you do what you did to me; NEVI - Neverwas - 04-20-2016 Rile isn't here. I shouldn't be disappointed. There was no reason to expect he would be, and what would I have said to him even if he were? Hey, how's life without me? Do you miss me? Does your new family treat you well? Does your heart hurt anyhow when you think about me, or do you even think of me at all? No, I would have seen him and faded into the shadows, hiding from him now as I'd hidden from him the day he'd gone home with someone else. Still, I would have known he was okay, and happy, and perhaps it would have helped me settle in with my own new family. Instead, I skulked through the playground in fruitless search of him, and then curled up in a nice, cozy cave for a nap. I sleep best in the cool, dark arms of the earth, shielded from the weight of eyes watching me. And the shelter drowns out the night sky's distant, haunting star song. Finding a cave to sleep in has become a habit, and I could use a rest before I head back to the Tundra to try to let myself fit into a world that seems to want me, even if I don't understand why. I'm floating in that strange, heady place between waking and sleeping, the place where dreams tease the edge of my consciousness and indistinct murmurs shiver across my skin, when a strange girl's voice startles me into wakefulness. “Oye, what are you doing in here?” My eyes jerk open and I meet her gaze squarely, too surprised to be circumspect. “Well I was almost sleeping,” I reply, and there's a defensive edge to the words that wouldn't have been there if I'd been fully awake when she stumbled upon my hiding place. The sharp note is jarring to my ears, a sound I've never heard from my own voice before, and the unexpected dissonance distracts me from my discomfort. I break our gaze, glancing around the cave, and when I speak my tone is softer, gentler. “And yourself?” RE: just do what you do what you do what you did to me; NEVI - Lieschel - 04-20-2016 Lieschel That awkward moment when you're laughing so hard but no noise comes out so you sit there clapping like a retarded seal. RE: just do what you do what you do what you did to me; NEVI - Neverwas - 04-21-2016 I'm definitely awake now. The girl looks embarrassed, and guilt gnaws at my belly as I scramble to my feet, ducking my head and glancing at her out of the corner of my eye. I shouldn't have made her feel bad. She was just scared. “Sorry,” I murmur, averting my gaze and staring at the ground. “I didn't mean to scare you.” I should have gone back to the Tundra instead of taking up a cave in the playground just for a nap. I could have made it, or found somewhere to hide along the way if I got too tired. Instead I scared a girl and then snapped at her. Or if I had to sleep here, I could at least have been nicer about it. “I'm sorry I was mean,” I whisper, trying to shrink inside my own skin even though I'm already plenty small compared to most folks my age. The sharpness in her tone sets my chest to crumpling inward, my head angling away to avoid her eyes, and I step back, trying to melt into the wall and disappear. “You kind of scared me too,” I tell her, still whisper-soft and full of apology. “Or at least surprised me. I didn't mean to snap at you.” I never would have done if I'd been awake. But sometimes when I'm sleeping I forget who I am when the dark creeps in and edges out the light. “Oh, um.” I pause, trying to decide how to answer her. Is my name Neverwas, or Nevi? Is Nevi an affectionate nickname saved for family and close friends, or is it My Name? Torn, I open my mouth to reply, then close it again. Nevi is my armor, though, four little letters protecting vulnerability I've tried to bury deep down inside. Steeling myself against the impact of my not-quite-lie, I try again. “I'm called Nevi. It's nice to meet you, Lieschel.” RE: just do what you do what you do what you did to me; NEVI - Lieschel - 04-21-2016 Lieschel That awkward moment when you're laughing so hard but no noise comes out so you sit there clapping like a retarded seal. RE: just do what you do what you do what you did to me; NEVI - Neverwas - 04-21-2016 I can see irritation in the lashing of her tail, the angle of her ears, the way her jaw tenses. I don't know what I did, but I'm opening my mouth to apologize again and tell her I'll leave when she sighs and speaks first. Oh thank god, she wants to drop it. I nod, a quick jerk of my head as a relieved “yes please” tumbles out of my mouth. And she likes my...name, yes, it's my name. It's who I am now – not lonely little Neverwas abandoned like so much garbage, but Nevi, a boy with a home and a family and a place in the world, even if I still sometimes feel like I don't deserve it. I stand utterly still as she draws closer, watching her out of wary brown eyes as she sidles up beside me. But there is a familiar quiet yearning in the touch of her shoulder against mine, and I relax into it. I know something of the loneliness beneath that yearning, and my own intrinsic reluctance toward a stranger's touch fades in the face of her tentative advance. I return the light pressure, accepting the casual touch because I know how it can hurt to be without it. “I live in the Tundra, which is...well, cold. In the winter, at least. Kind of squishy and wet in the summer, and I like that at least better than the cold. There's some nice caves to explore, though.” I answer, distracted from trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my body by a series of questions that should not be all that difficult to answer. “I...didn't always, though. I'm adopted. My new family has another boy and a girl too, and a--” I stumble a bit over the next words, because they still feel foreign on my lips. “A mom and a dad.” Mom is someone who walks away without a second glance, but Isle is nothing like that. Dad is a stranger, someone who helps make unwanted children and never even meets them, and that is not Offspring at all. And brother, that one's harder still. Brother is too big and too complicated to parse, and the word is tangled up with sorrow and loneliness. I don't want to give my new family tainted words. But I think it hurts them that I don't, little flickers of sadness in angel brown eyes and maybe even in crimson ones too. Those are still harder for me to read, harder for me to even look into. What would any dad see in me? I shake my head, chasing away thoughts best brooded on alone, and my nose brushes against Lieschel's fluffy black coat as I do. “Uh.” I'm not used to people being close enough that I have to worry about accidentally touching them, but my earlier apology seemed to annoy her and she touched me first, after all. I'll say sorry if she seems upset, but first I return her question, feeling almost guilty because I already suspect the answer isn't as happy as mine got to be. “What about you?” RE: just do what you do what you do what you did to me; NEVI - Lieschel - 04-21-2016 Lieschel That awkward moment when you're laughing so hard but no noise comes out so you sit there clapping like a retarded seal. RE: just do what you do what you do what you did to me; NEVI - Neverwas - 04-21-2016 “You're lucky. Not everyone gets adopted.” I know it, too. I still think Isle must be an angel, sent to save me from wasting away into nothing. And the wistful note in Lieschel's voice confirms my earlier suspicions. The lonely yearning in her touch made me wonder, but behind those words is the truth. She has not yet been so lucky. Oh, she doesn't say it, but I know the feeling behind those words. She sidesteps my question with more of her own instead, asking about my family. My family. It's still so new, believing those words to be true instead of just a possibility I can't quite let myself reach out and touch. I close my eyes, resting my head on Lieschel's withers as I picture them each in turn. “Isle is the one who found me all alone in the den, curled up in the shade of one of those big old trees.” And I know she'll know the ones, lovely old things whose branches reach out for what feels like forever. “It was the luckiest moment of my life, her finding me there. I was sleeping, and she woke me up so softly, gentle little brushes of her lips and her nose coaxing me to open my eyes and be hers.” Isle is the kindest, most loving person I have known in my life, short as it has been so far. And I wonder. She made room in her heart and her life for me. Could she, would she, if I asked...maybe make room for one more? “And Offspring, he is. Um. Very, very big. Dark, all black, with these red eyes that should be scary. They should, but...he isn't scary at all. Because as big as he is? That's how big his heart is too.” I've seen his heart in his eyes when he looks at Isle, love flowing effortlessly between them. I've seen it when he smiles at Mari, and when he soothes nightmares from Argo's restless body while he sleeps. “Maribel is sunshine and rainbows, and innocence unshaken by her start. I haven't heard that story yet, what brought her into their lives. They adopted her before me, and...and she seems so happy, I don't want to bring up anything that might make her sad.” Still, Mari would understand what it was to need a home. And how, with as blessed as I have been, I cannot turn away from a heart as lonely as this little girl's, especially one hidden behind such a brave face. “And Argo...” I draw in a deep breath, searching for words to tell this lost girl about my not-quite-brother, because what can I say? When I'm around him, even when my heart hurts for him, I still feel...unbroken. But I don't know how to say that out loud, so instead I go with “He has his parents' kindness and boundless capacity for love. He's my best friend, and I would do anything for him. “For all of them.” RE: just do what you do what you do what you did to me; NEVI - Lieschel - 04-22-2016 Lieschel That awkward moment when you're laughing so hard but no noise comes out so you sit there clapping like a retarded seal. |