For the barest flicker of a moment, Agetta wishes she had just fallen out of love with Plume. That would be a lot cleaner for the both of them, right? A surgical removal. As if love is something with clean edges that can just be plucked out upon desire. But she does still love him, feels it pulse throughout her whole being side-by-side with the pain of seeing him actually recoil from her. She knows that if she had just tried, just found an ounce of bravery or common sense, he would have still loved her no matter what she told him. Would have helped her soothe the wounds she has collected over the years.
She doesn’t know if that is why she strayed, flinching back from a love like that after decades of fear, waste, and neglect? It’s just an excuse, like everything else. Even now she doesn’t believe him when he says he has always loved all of her. She doesn’t believe that anyone could.
But she wishes she had trusted him too.
When he asks about whether she was afraid to be honest with him, to tell Garbage all of her, her dark eyes close against the wash of guilt, hitting her from both sides. Her voice is quiet when she replies. “Of course I am. I’m just as afraid to be honest with him. He knows pieces, maybe less than you.” And she laughs, but it is a mangled, quiet, and hollow sound that is little more than a snort.
“Isn’t that just the stupidest joke you’ve ever heard? I did all this and still couldn’t be honest with anyone involved. He doesn’t even know about you.” She had avoided the subject every chance she had to speak about it. Brushing it off and saying she would give it one more day. And she hates herself for it - two conversations, two stallions, two loves, and she treated them the same awful way. Speaking it out loud finally causes the extent of her mistakes to settle in. She has so many excuses and none of them stand up at all when she looks at Plume. “We talked about previous children but…” She cuts herself off, not sure either of them wants to follow that line of thinking, and now she takes a step back, reclaiming her previous spot and growing the distance between them as she continues to unravel, shaking her head from side to side.
“I don’t know what I’ve been doing. None of it makes any sense, does it? And you…” She inhales sharply and takes another slow step back. As though physical distance could somehow undo all the pain she has caused. Though her eyes remain on him now, filled with the heartache she's caused. “You deserve so much more than that. You deserve so much more than what I could ever give you on my best day.” Something that finally tastes like the truth.
@[plume]