08-25-2020, 02:12 AM
── and i was never sure whether you were the lighthouse or the storm ──
She had asked, but she hadn’t expected much of an answer. After so many years of surrounding herself with lovers and friends alike that kept their emotions under lock and key, she had learned it was better to just never ask at all. But there was something about this – something about him – that lent her a peculiar kind of bravery. It all felt too much like a last chance.
Their last chance, she likes to think, only she knows she isn’t fooling anyone.
She knows, even before he starts to answer, that she is going back to Hyaline no matter what he says or doesn’t say. She knows that she is tired of the chasm split inside of her heart, she knows that she would be okay with pretending nothing had happened, if it meant not having to be without him again.
She feels the growl in his throat just as much as she hears it, and she can feel the tension tighten inside of her chest again.
Instead, he admits that he had lied, and she tries to hide her small smile, pressing it against his neck instead as she listens to him. She remains quiet, even when her heart flinches again when he mentions Agetta. She has never been the jealous type, mainly because no one had ever felt like they were hers. She doesn’t know what he has done to awaken that small part of her, and just when the embers of envy threaten to ignite again, he extinguishes them.
“It’s okay,” she murmurs into the wild tangles of his mane when he has finished, “because I understand.” There is a short laugh against his skin before she pulls away just slightly, adding with a faint smile, “I think we might be too similar in that sense,” she says, referencing that alien feeling of recognizing something as a mistake. She knows of her reputation, even if she cannot remember how she got this way. She has her string of romances, men that she has no business being with, men that she would – has – ruined herself for. She is stitched together with her mistakes and failures, a patchwork of shortcomings and regrets.
“I ruin everything that could possibly be mine,” like Skellig and Illum, a short example of the men that have loved her or tried to love her, and she is always at her worst when she is chasing love away, “but I don’t want to ruin this.”
Their last chance, she likes to think, only she knows she isn’t fooling anyone.
She knows, even before he starts to answer, that she is going back to Hyaline no matter what he says or doesn’t say. She knows that she is tired of the chasm split inside of her heart, she knows that she would be okay with pretending nothing had happened, if it meant not having to be without him again.
She feels the growl in his throat just as much as she hears it, and she can feel the tension tighten inside of her chest again.
Instead, he admits that he had lied, and she tries to hide her small smile, pressing it against his neck instead as she listens to him. She remains quiet, even when her heart flinches again when he mentions Agetta. She has never been the jealous type, mainly because no one had ever felt like they were hers. She doesn’t know what he has done to awaken that small part of her, and just when the embers of envy threaten to ignite again, he extinguishes them.
“It’s okay,” she murmurs into the wild tangles of his mane when he has finished, “because I understand.” There is a short laugh against his skin before she pulls away just slightly, adding with a faint smile, “I think we might be too similar in that sense,” she says, referencing that alien feeling of recognizing something as a mistake. She knows of her reputation, even if she cannot remember how she got this way. She has her string of romances, men that she has no business being with, men that she would – has – ruined herself for. She is stitched together with her mistakes and failures, a patchwork of shortcomings and regrets.
“I ruin everything that could possibly be mine,” like Skellig and Illum, a short example of the men that have loved her or tried to love her, and she is always at her worst when she is chasing love away, “but I don’t want to ruin this.”
ryatah
