12-09-2020, 08:52 PM
despite the overwhelming odds, tomorrow came
A lot can happen in a matter of seconds. I can see it all in his face, as the weight of my emotions comes crashing down on him like an avalanche, burying him in sixty feet of ice, then washing him back up again, as if spitting him out. I can see it in his body, rigid and strained, almost to the point of shaking. Though I do not know exactly what rabid thoughts have ripped through his mind, I could tell it was breaking him, just as it had broken me to find out there was someone else.
A lot happens for me in those seconds as well. I feel awash with grief and despair, the pieces of my heart being torn to smaller shreds. I had thought what we had was special. I had thought that I would be the only one to share such intimacy with @[Yanhua]. It ached in ways that I never thought possible after having my heart broken by my own mother time and time again.
It doesn’t help to hear those words. I thought having the truth might set me free, but as he blurts out that he loves her, it is crushing. It doesn’t help to be told that he loves me, now. It just feels…empty. I didn’t have a lot of time with him. How could he love me for “many different reasons”? I find myself churning his words over and over again, analyzing them, reading between the lines, and perhaps heading down theoretical paths that proved dangerous and scary.
I shake my head, trying to distract myself, trying to remember everything I had wanted to say and everything I had wanted to ask. But those words, his admission, I couldn’t get it out of my head, try and try as I might. They circle around me like vultures honing in on their prey. I shake my head, no longer aware of the world around me, but rather thrown into a spiraling loop of terrible ideas and future possibilities that might come to pass.
Memorie presses herself close once more, and the touch of her little round belly against me becomes an anchor to which I cling, and slowly, agonizingly slow, I pull myself from the darkness that sucks me under. Again, only seconds have passed, but it feels like an eternity. As hard and painful as it is, I look Yanhua in the eye. “What do I mean to you?” There is no denying that this was a loaded question that might determine the fate of our relationship. It was there, in my eyes and in my heart for him to see, and I know he can see it. I don’t know what images it might evoke for him, but I know it is there, because I make it be there. So answer wisely, it dared him.
A lot happens for me in those seconds as well. I feel awash with grief and despair, the pieces of my heart being torn to smaller shreds. I had thought what we had was special. I had thought that I would be the only one to share such intimacy with @[Yanhua]. It ached in ways that I never thought possible after having my heart broken by my own mother time and time again.
It doesn’t help to hear those words. I thought having the truth might set me free, but as he blurts out that he loves her, it is crushing. It doesn’t help to be told that he loves me, now. It just feels…empty. I didn’t have a lot of time with him. How could he love me for “many different reasons”? I find myself churning his words over and over again, analyzing them, reading between the lines, and perhaps heading down theoretical paths that proved dangerous and scary.
I shake my head, trying to distract myself, trying to remember everything I had wanted to say and everything I had wanted to ask. But those words, his admission, I couldn’t get it out of my head, try and try as I might. They circle around me like vultures honing in on their prey. I shake my head, no longer aware of the world around me, but rather thrown into a spiraling loop of terrible ideas and future possibilities that might come to pass.
Memorie presses herself close once more, and the touch of her little round belly against me becomes an anchor to which I cling, and slowly, agonizingly slow, I pull myself from the darkness that sucks me under. Again, only seconds have passed, but it feels like an eternity. As hard and painful as it is, I look Yanhua in the eye. “What do I mean to you?” There is no denying that this was a loaded question that might determine the fate of our relationship. It was there, in my eyes and in my heart for him to see, and I know he can see it. I don’t know what images it might evoke for him, but I know it is there, because I make it be there. So answer wisely, it dared him.
borderline
