Breathe in, slow and deep, chest expanding until it almost hurts. Take in the complex perfume of the forest, mingling oak and earth and the rich green growth of spring. Life, bursting from the ground in every direction. New beginnings, this could be a place of new beginnings again instead of pain and strife and endings. God, there have been so many endings. Maybe this time it can be different.
There was a time, so very long ago, when all I lived for was the light of the moon shining down on me, the ache of lonely longing in my chest as she hung in the sky so far out of reach. I poured my blood out on the ground, watched it gleam in her light and sink into the soil, a sacrifice unwanted, a plea never accepted. I spent half my life and more tearing myself apart trying to understand why I wasn't good enough, would never be good enough to touch that far away light in the sky.
I never wanted to come back, never wanted to set foot again on land I'm still half-convinced is cursed. This place has tortured everyone I have ever loved, chewed them up and spit them back out—at least the ones it has not swallowed whole. On my own, I would never have done it. No matter how much I might need to be here, I would have fought to hold onto the life I'd made for myself and my daughter, clinging to solid ground and digging my heels into familiar jungle soil and refusing to move forward no matter that it was time.
But for my girls. For my mother, who somewhere along the line became the best friend I have ever known, I would do far worse than walking through hell at her side. For my daughter, who came into my life through fire and blood and falling starlight, whose impact realigned gravity and made her the center of my world...I would give my last breath for her, the final beat of my heart. How much less, then, would it be to give her a chance at the life she has wanted for years?
So how could I refuse?
Dara wanted so fervently to see the land of her ancestors, to touch the earth and see its shape, to walk these paths and know where all our old stories took place. She wanted to see where her fathers met, where her grandmothers fell in love, where we were born and breathed and broke and mended and broke again. And Mom, whether she wanted it or not, needed to lay her old life to rest in the cemetery she'd made of her one-time sanctuary. Our family's home, once upon a time.
And fine, hell, I needed closure too. I may have changed from the broken kid I was the last time I was here, jagged and bleeding and clinging stubbornly to scars as a reminder of how I have failed everyone I love. But there were still demons I had to face, still echoes of the past I needed to let go of before I could move on. A lover dead or gone I'd never quite managed to let go of no matter how hard I'd tried, and a last goodbye to bid my dead mother.
Well. I managed the latter, at least. The former, on the other hand...
I still can't believe it sometimes, even lying tangled up with him like this, sweat dripping from our bodies, the pale platinum white of my hair intertwined with his black. Even with his body pressed against mine, feeling his chest rise and fall with each ragged breath, hearing the beat of his heart as it slows back down, even with the taste of him on my lips, the salt of his skin still so familiar after all this time. Even now, I half-expect to wake up and find it was all an elaborate dream, a cruel reminder that I am alone.
“God, I could do this forever,” I murmur against my lover's skin, breathing in the scent of him and draping my neck over his. I'll never get enough of him, not if we both live until this world is nothing but dust. Finding him again, falling back into his arms like we were never apart, it's made me understand my moms' relationship better. I swore I was over Zur, that after a decade or more without him I was never looking back. That if he was even alive, there was nothing he could do or say that would ever make up for all those nights wondering what had happened, what had gone wrong, why once again I wasn't good enough to make someone love me enough to stay.
One look, and none of that mattered anymore. One look into jungle green eyes and I knew the truth. No matter what I'd tried to tell myself, I'd never stopped loving him. One look, one breath, one stuttering heartbeat, and I was home. For the first time in so fucking long, the world was whole again. Oh, I fought it, kept my distance, demanded explanations, tried so damn hard to be the kind of person who wouldn't fall right back into the arms of the man who'd left without a word. It was never that black and white, and he actually had a pretty fucking solid explanation. But I know myself well enough to admit it would have been a losing battle either way.
“I love you.” Completely. Irrevocably. With every beat of my heart.
There was a time, so very long ago, when all I lived for was the light of the moon shining down on me, the ache of lonely longing in my chest as she hung in the sky so far out of reach. I poured my blood out on the ground, watched it gleam in her light and sink into the soil, a sacrifice unwanted, a plea never accepted. I spent half my life and more tearing myself apart trying to understand why I wasn't good enough, would never be good enough to touch that far away light in the sky.
I never wanted to come back, never wanted to set foot again on land I'm still half-convinced is cursed. This place has tortured everyone I have ever loved, chewed them up and spit them back out—at least the ones it has not swallowed whole. On my own, I would never have done it. No matter how much I might need to be here, I would have fought to hold onto the life I'd made for myself and my daughter, clinging to solid ground and digging my heels into familiar jungle soil and refusing to move forward no matter that it was time.
But for my girls. For my mother, who somewhere along the line became the best friend I have ever known, I would do far worse than walking through hell at her side. For my daughter, who came into my life through fire and blood and falling starlight, whose impact realigned gravity and made her the center of my world...I would give my last breath for her, the final beat of my heart. How much less, then, would it be to give her a chance at the life she has wanted for years?
So how could I refuse?
Dara wanted so fervently to see the land of her ancestors, to touch the earth and see its shape, to walk these paths and know where all our old stories took place. She wanted to see where her fathers met, where her grandmothers fell in love, where we were born and breathed and broke and mended and broke again. And Mom, whether she wanted it or not, needed to lay her old life to rest in the cemetery she'd made of her one-time sanctuary. Our family's home, once upon a time.
And fine, hell, I needed closure too. I may have changed from the broken kid I was the last time I was here, jagged and bleeding and clinging stubbornly to scars as a reminder of how I have failed everyone I love. But there were still demons I had to face, still echoes of the past I needed to let go of before I could move on. A lover dead or gone I'd never quite managed to let go of no matter how hard I'd tried, and a last goodbye to bid my dead mother.
Well. I managed the latter, at least. The former, on the other hand...
I still can't believe it sometimes, even lying tangled up with him like this, sweat dripping from our bodies, the pale platinum white of my hair intertwined with his black. Even with his body pressed against mine, feeling his chest rise and fall with each ragged breath, hearing the beat of his heart as it slows back down, even with the taste of him on my lips, the salt of his skin still so familiar after all this time. Even now, I half-expect to wake up and find it was all an elaborate dream, a cruel reminder that I am alone.
“God, I could do this forever,” I murmur against my lover's skin, breathing in the scent of him and draping my neck over his. I'll never get enough of him, not if we both live until this world is nothing but dust. Finding him again, falling back into his arms like we were never apart, it's made me understand my moms' relationship better. I swore I was over Zur, that after a decade or more without him I was never looking back. That if he was even alive, there was nothing he could do or say that would ever make up for all those nights wondering what had happened, what had gone wrong, why once again I wasn't good enough to make someone love me enough to stay.
One look, and none of that mattered anymore. One look into jungle green eyes and I knew the truth. No matter what I'd tried to tell myself, I'd never stopped loving him. One look, one breath, one stuttering heartbeat, and I was home. For the first time in so fucking long, the world was whole again. Oh, I fought it, kept my distance, demanded explanations, tried so damn hard to be the kind of person who wouldn't fall right back into the arms of the man who'd left without a word. It was never that black and white, and he actually had a pretty fucking solid explanation. But I know myself well enough to admit it would have been a losing battle either way.
“I love you.” Completely. Irrevocably. With every beat of my heart.
(Permission from Cassi to claim ET for the family. ^_^ Also I basically just moved this
thread from the Forest to here.)