07-31-2016, 12:02 AM
I should have answered the call sooner. Should have come the moment my king’s voice rang out across the Tundra, summoning us to gather together again. Only hours since the magic was drained from the land, since the initiation that crashed to a halt before I could enter the cave and come out a Brother. I kept up a brave face for as long as I could, but I needed a breath, needed a moment to retreat into a different cave and curl up in the dark.
The Tundra hadn’t rejected me. She had been calling, had been beckoning me forward to face the initiation and take my place among the men and women of the Tundra. I hadn’t failed my father. I had tried. It was a fluke of timing, a tragic little coincidence that I could never face the cave’s magic and come through it stronger, braver, bolder.
Not about you. Never was.
But I’m a wreck, always have been, from the moment my birth mother saw me and decided I wasn’t worth the effort. And I needed a minute to fall apart in peace, to close my eyes in the dark and watch the blood I didn’t shed flowing from my veins onto the cave floor only in my mind, a sacrifice I didn’t get to make to the magic of the Tundra. Not a rejection, or at least not of just me. If anything it was a rejection of all of us.
Nothing personal. Never was.
Still, it took me a while to put myself back together. So the meeting is already drawing to a close when I arrive and add my presence to the already large crowd. I don’t go to anyone, not even Mom and my new baby sister. Not that I don’t think I’d be welcome...it would just be too easy to curl in on myself and avert my gaze, to look weighed down by failure and shame instead of standing tall and taking a step forward and speaking clearly, my eyes on my father.
“I can help guard the cave as well. If...if you want.” I can’t quite avoid the lingering note of insecurity in my voice, but I at least manage not to look away like a coward. I couldn’t make amends, couldn’t make him proud by walking through the cave. But perhaps in helping to guard it I can at least begin to try.
The Tundra hadn’t rejected me. She had been calling, had been beckoning me forward to face the initiation and take my place among the men and women of the Tundra. I hadn’t failed my father. I had tried. It was a fluke of timing, a tragic little coincidence that I could never face the cave’s magic and come through it stronger, braver, bolder.
Not about you. Never was.
But I’m a wreck, always have been, from the moment my birth mother saw me and decided I wasn’t worth the effort. And I needed a minute to fall apart in peace, to close my eyes in the dark and watch the blood I didn’t shed flowing from my veins onto the cave floor only in my mind, a sacrifice I didn’t get to make to the magic of the Tundra. Not a rejection, or at least not of just me. If anything it was a rejection of all of us.
Nothing personal. Never was.
Still, it took me a while to put myself back together. So the meeting is already drawing to a close when I arrive and add my presence to the already large crowd. I don’t go to anyone, not even Mom and my new baby sister. Not that I don’t think I’d be welcome...it would just be too easy to curl in on myself and avert my gaze, to look weighed down by failure and shame instead of standing tall and taking a step forward and speaking clearly, my eyes on my father.
“I can help guard the cave as well. If...if you want.” I can’t quite avoid the lingering note of insecurity in my voice, but I at least manage not to look away like a coward. I couldn’t make amends, couldn’t make him proud by walking through the cave. But perhaps in helping to guard it I can at least begin to try.
((Sorry this is terrible and late. XD <3))