shooting for stars is like darts in the dark; lagertha

[magnus]

— find what you love and let it kill you —

Magnus knows all about a special sort of Hell. In fact, the pair were well-acquainted.

On some days, Hell to him was the smothering guilt he had wearing the crown as King of Heaven. What a lie it had been then—when his stomach churned hungrily for war and his temper was but a bated breath away. It had been excruciating to pretend that he was something that he was not. He had tried—oh, how he had tried—but it had never fit right. His edges had been too sharp, his words too hot.

On other days, Hell was the memory of his blood (Joelle’s blood) washing out on that abandoned shore. It was the memory of Trashlip standing over him, of that distance between him and the mare he so loved. It was the saltwater pouring into his mouth and down his lungs; it was the feeling of becoming bloated and lost in the tide. It was the years spent trapped in that grave of seaweed and bring; the years of anguish.

Now, Hell was the memory of the prison and the whispers. It was the chains that kept him bound when he knew war was being waged and his friends were fighting battled he could not partake in. It was the knowledge that he was letting them down; it was the fruitless attempts to break free. It was the maddening sound of whispers in his ears, telling him that it was all for his own good. That it was for the best.

So he sympathizes with her, his scarred mouth pulling into a frown, gold-flecked eyes growing concerned. “Well that is not what I was hoping to hear.” He tilted his head to the side to the side, considering her; she was certainly thinner than the last time they had met. “As for myself, well, I suppose that I am just glad to be back among the living.” He shrugged his broad shoulders before shaking his head, dismissing the line of thought to bring it back toward her. “What happened to you?” He knew she would have questions for him—demands, even. And he would be obliged to tell her. But he wasn’t ready to explain just yet.

He was not even certain he could.

magnus