02-09-2017, 10:20 PM
Cerva still had not come home.
That was the thought, the reminder, going through his mind as he stared into her lovely face. All the soft curves, all the warmth. All the beauty. Except for the bite taken from her cheek -goddamn Zoryn-, bare and bleeding. Painful. It didn't really take away from her attraction though, only distracted from it. Made you wonder who would dare break an angel. But why wouldn't she just heal it?
His gaze slowly trailed back up and their eyes met, stealing his breath.
"Because I still want you." His heart leaped, swelled, and yet was violently pierced in the same moment. Surprised hurt reflected in his face, tugging his brows together. She wouldn't heal..because of him. Because wanting him was bad. She'd rather feel the pain, a constant reminder of her mistake. He swallowed.
Her eyes closed, she couldn't even look at him, "I know you have a child, a lover...a family." He tore his eyes away, guilt and sadness expanding in his chest. A family. Thats what Cerva had wanted. That's what he'd given her. But she'd left them. She asked him to go on, but she never came. She couldn't bear to be with him, could no longer love him. Even little Atrani was not wholly accepting of his attention, and she couldn't even see him. Couldn't know how frightening he looked. A family.
"I know all of that and yet I stand here, and I still want you. I still ache for you." This all should bring him happiness, but instead it stung him. Tore him apart. Because these were the reasons she wouldn't remove the marks Zor had left on her. A message to him she chose to shout, and shout forever. He suddenly couldn't stand still anymore. He had to move.
He began pacing. Rejected by all. Cerva abandoned them. Atrani would probably never love him, her own sire. Now Leliana. Oh god, not Leliana too. "I still love you, Dovev." He wished she'd stop talking. Every word was another stab punched into him, twisted and yanked upward to gut him open and spill him out. God, how he wanted to hear those words. He hadn't even realized he wanted it, but now he knew. And now they were killing him.
"I am a fool to feel this way." More truth, more pain.
"I am selfish and foolish and I should bear these wounds. They are nothing more than I deserve."
Because she loved him. She deserved the pain because she loved him. She felt unworthy to use her own magic because of him.
Look at her. He stopped, forced himself to. Skin hung loosely from the gash at her perfect shoulder, blood trickling down as freely as his own wounds did. And her wings. Clutched around her in his likeness. He moaned inwardly and turned away, continued his pacing. His fault.
All his life, Cerva was a constant. Until he trained, until he learned to focus so acutely that everything else was forgotten. And now gone, forever. Left adrift and alone. But not alone. His little Cerva, his Atrani. All he had left. But even she- even she was lost to him. She may never care for him as he cared for her. Nothing even close, if she even stayed. If she didn't choose to wander when he wasn't looking and disappear from him forever just like Cerva. And now Leliana.
He tried to hold them so gently, so delicately. But he didn't know his own strength and gripped them, shattered them. Each one reopened the last wounds, dug in deeper and bled more. Oh god, not Leliana too. Unworthy now because of him. Undeserving to be cured and whole and beautiful. His breaths came ragged and dry, legs trembling and body shaking. He couldn't do this. He couldn't stay here. He didn't even know what to say to her. He didn't fix things, he only made them worse.
He had no hope that Cerva would return. He felt like Atrani would not remain with him for long; she would run off and he'd never find her again. His heart broke. It felt like his life was draining away. Leliana was just the last piece to fall away. The deepest thread to unravel and tatter. He shook his head, distressed, quaking. And turned to walk away.
All he had was Zoryn.
Zoryn never left, never regretted him.
But he would this time. He hurt Leliana and he'd pay.
That was the thought, the reminder, going through his mind as he stared into her lovely face. All the soft curves, all the warmth. All the beauty. Except for the bite taken from her cheek -goddamn Zoryn-, bare and bleeding. Painful. It didn't really take away from her attraction though, only distracted from it. Made you wonder who would dare break an angel. But why wouldn't she just heal it?
His gaze slowly trailed back up and their eyes met, stealing his breath.
"Because I still want you." His heart leaped, swelled, and yet was violently pierced in the same moment. Surprised hurt reflected in his face, tugging his brows together. She wouldn't heal..because of him. Because wanting him was bad. She'd rather feel the pain, a constant reminder of her mistake. He swallowed.
Her eyes closed, she couldn't even look at him, "I know you have a child, a lover...a family." He tore his eyes away, guilt and sadness expanding in his chest. A family. Thats what Cerva had wanted. That's what he'd given her. But she'd left them. She asked him to go on, but she never came. She couldn't bear to be with him, could no longer love him. Even little Atrani was not wholly accepting of his attention, and she couldn't even see him. Couldn't know how frightening he looked. A family.
"I know all of that and yet I stand here, and I still want you. I still ache for you." This all should bring him happiness, but instead it stung him. Tore him apart. Because these were the reasons she wouldn't remove the marks Zor had left on her. A message to him she chose to shout, and shout forever. He suddenly couldn't stand still anymore. He had to move.
He began pacing. Rejected by all. Cerva abandoned them. Atrani would probably never love him, her own sire. Now Leliana. Oh god, not Leliana too. "I still love you, Dovev." He wished she'd stop talking. Every word was another stab punched into him, twisted and yanked upward to gut him open and spill him out. God, how he wanted to hear those words. He hadn't even realized he wanted it, but now he knew. And now they were killing him.
"I am a fool to feel this way." More truth, more pain.
"I am selfish and foolish and I should bear these wounds. They are nothing more than I deserve."
Because she loved him. She deserved the pain because she loved him. She felt unworthy to use her own magic because of him.
Look at her. He stopped, forced himself to. Skin hung loosely from the gash at her perfect shoulder, blood trickling down as freely as his own wounds did. And her wings. Clutched around her in his likeness. He moaned inwardly and turned away, continued his pacing. His fault.
All his life, Cerva was a constant. Until he trained, until he learned to focus so acutely that everything else was forgotten. And now gone, forever. Left adrift and alone. But not alone. His little Cerva, his Atrani. All he had left. But even she- even she was lost to him. She may never care for him as he cared for her. Nothing even close, if she even stayed. If she didn't choose to wander when he wasn't looking and disappear from him forever just like Cerva. And now Leliana.
He tried to hold them so gently, so delicately. But he didn't know his own strength and gripped them, shattered them. Each one reopened the last wounds, dug in deeper and bled more. Oh god, not Leliana too. Unworthy now because of him. Undeserving to be cured and whole and beautiful. His breaths came ragged and dry, legs trembling and body shaking. He couldn't do this. He couldn't stay here. He didn't even know what to say to her. He didn't fix things, he only made them worse.
He had no hope that Cerva would return. He felt like Atrani would not remain with him for long; she would run off and he'd never find her again. His heart broke. It felt like his life was draining away. Leliana was just the last piece to fall away. The deepest thread to unravel and tatter. He shook his head, distressed, quaking. And turned to walk away.
All he had was Zoryn.
Zoryn never left, never regretted him.
But he would this time. He hurt Leliana and he'd pay.
