[private] Out with the golden we sew // Solace

[Kagerus]

kagerus

and in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times

There is only a single inhale to prepare me for the force of the words that come from her divine lips in a single phrase. And in that inhale I hear many things, words and dreams and hopes: I love yous and please don't leave mes. But they are too subtle a nuance to soften the blow of her words that shatter my chest like an anvil would glass.

In the molten-hot forge of her love, however, shattered glass is quickly made anew.

The light around us flickers wildly as my breathing comes in jolts. I will understand if you are angry. But it's not anger that causes the grass around my hooves (not hers) to wilt and die. And no, it's not fear, either; shock, I suppose. Shock and fear of not being enough, that voice that she'd banished for these last months resurfacing with a vengeance, screaming, screaming, screaming -

WORTHLESS, SLUT, UNLOVEABLE - KILL YOURSELF KILL YOURSELF KILL YOURSELF.

It's only on the third iteration of this command that I realize the voice isn't just in my head - and with this realization, everything grinds to a halt. The light pauses half-on half-off; the grass at my hooves only whispers in the breeze; and the voice that screamed obeys the hand that I place around its neck, strangling it, dominating it. There's tears in my eyes, eyes that stare at the ground in shame, humiliation, mortification.

She was never meant to hear that voice. She was the reason it went away.
My eyes refocus, and despite the internal pain, I raise them slowly to hers.
She can continue to be the reason. Nothing has to change.

"I forgive you." The words are choked, but genuinely: totally and heartrendingly genuine. My brow furrows, and sobs colour my tones as I continue to speak. "I love you Solace, and nothing will ever change that. I told your father so, I --" The last word is a gasp, and I force myself to stop, to breathe. My eyes squeeze shut and I ride out the last of the tremors until at last I can open and speak clearly, though the waver of my voice cannot be rid so easily. My eyes meet hers again, with a sobriety that'd been lacking in my prior hysteria. "I found Warrick, Solace, and I asked for his blessing upon our union." The whisper of my voice is too much around us, but I can't help it. I can't tell if I'm smiling or crying. "And he gave it. Because he knew that I meant it. And I do - that I love you."

"Solace, I have a son of my own." Suddenly, beside us, a colt appears: champagne overo and perfectly real, except that he is only an apparition. I look to him, and then back to her. "And just as I want desperately for you to meet him, I desperately want to meet your child." I step towards her, hoping that she'll allow me to touch her even though she's heard the voice that torments me so. "I want to give them the life they deserve here in Hyaline, together with you - and the father, if you want him in the picture, I - I would understand." A realization washes over me, and suddenly my outreached nose stops dead in its tracks, and the light in my eyes dims ever further. My lips screw into an expression that only says I'm trying not to break. "And if you want him, not me - I would understand that, too."

"But I'm not angry, Solace. How could I ever be with you..."

@[Solace] This got hella more emotional than intended, my bad. ALSO OH MY GOSH SQUEE LOOK WE GOT CHARACTERS OF THE YEAR IM CRYING