Sleep baby sleep, what are you waiting for?

[Kagerus]

Trigger warning: suicide

Kagerus

{ and in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times }

Her dreams have been invading mine.

From where, I do not know - and moreover, how evades me too. We are separated by gods know how many miles, with lives of our own to the point that I do not have a true understanding of what has happened to her. The image comes closer together with each dream, but fragments are sharp and the blood often distracts me from my purpose of completing the puzzle. The visions she sees play out in my dreams and twist like knives, tying into my own reality.

Magnus hadn't raped me, hell, he'd barely touched me - and he'd had the heart to come and apologize without provocation. But it doesn't change how I felt in the moment, and it doesn't change the fact that when I see Klaudius' face looming over hers, it somehow morph's into Magnus'. It doesn't matter that her trauma is not my own in fact, for dreams have a way of manipulating one's conscious experience of what appears to be reality - and I am no exception, dreamweaver though I may be.

She remembers her mother though only vaguely, but I have only a father to think of. He is good to me, though - and like her, I do not dwell on these memories long.

Her latest dreams have been... dissociated. Desolate. Without conviction and utterly deflated. I can taste the staleness in her lungs when she breathes and hear how she dismisses the beating of her heart as if it is just another way to tell the time, a broken clock on its last legs, the hands making their final rounds round numbers that, in the end, are meaningless. In these moments, her consciousness feels like warm static that threatens to cool, a numbed entity which lacks compass or balance in that it pertains to nothing at all.

She feels the desire to unbecome, and without thinking, I feel it too. I remember the pull of the lake, how I've slipped beneath its topline once before, how it felt to drag in a lungful of water. I've been better lately, I've had my children lately, I've had my kingdom lately - but there will always be a part of me that wonders what it might have been like to die that day. To die any day. To get to stop these meaningless happenings which amount to nothing once all is said and done. When my consciousness slips from this place, there will be nothing left... And while that terrifies me as a mother, as a wife, as a lover, as a fighter, it soothes me as a soul.

There will not be another left to mother. Nothing left to commit to or love. Nothing to fight for.
There will be nothing.

Nothing.

Can you imagine... nothing?

I'm in her dream once more - and if I'm telling the truth, it's not of my own personal prowess that I intervene.

(It will always be her who restores my will to live and to carry on. To say that she saved me once would be a lie and to say that she saves me every single day would still not be enough, there will never be words to describe the way that she makes me feel or the way that she reminds me that now IS important. Nothing will come and it will be terrifying and we will all have to face that someday - but for now, I am to be happy with her. With myself. With us, together. I don't know where I would be without her. My darling Solace, the lifeblood which thrums through my veins. She is the reason. She is my reason.)

"Sabra." I close my eyes, remember Solace, remind myself that Sabra has someone out there, too.

"It's time."

@[Sabra]