Vulgaris
More and more, he understands what Larva meant when he said a darkness followed him everywhere he went. Vulgaris was only a child when he said it, barely older than Adna is now. He’d laughed and told his father to just wait for the sun to come back out again. If only it were that easy, the old man had said. He remembers now how he used to mumble to himself, ‘When is it ever enough?’ It had all been lost on him in his youth but everything has begun to click into place in the worst way for him lately. He dwells on the lessons as he replays Shiya’s last visit over and over and over in his head. Somewhere in his memories it twists and melds with Leliana until he’s sick to his stomach.
Adna said she was going to go play early this morning and he watched her go, waiting until she was out of sight before he moved an inch. A single misstep might give him away. She’s too perceptive for her own good and he’s well aware of the fact. He hardly lifts his eyes from the ground in front of him as he walks through Loess now. A cactus snags on his hip and he hardly seems to notice the way it draws an angry red line across his skin. The shallow cut beads with blood but today he takes no pleasure from the sting.
He sees her nearby, red like passion and life. Vulgaris hesitates to go near her but his greed is too enormous not to. Each step is slow and calculated now as he comes closer, finally lifting his head to look at her now. Her sides have only just begun to swell and it brings him some small comfort to know they’ll have another baby come spring.
But there’s something different today. It is something familiar that throws gasoline onto the quiet embers of his rage until they consume him entirely. His lips lift to bare his gnashing teeth in disgust. Even with his hands drenched in sin, he has the audacity to indulge his vile temper.
“Where have you been, Leliana?” he asks, each syllable curling into a hiss saturated with fury. “Maybe you’d like to live there instead?” His head twists as he watches her, daring her to reply. Vulgaris keeps his distance so that he’s just out of reach from her.
His self-loathing chews a little harder now as it cripples him, poisons his every thought. If he hadn’t been so preoccupied with Shiya, she might have never gone. If only he loved her as she deserved then she might have stayed with him instead. All his fault, all his fault, he chants like meditation in his innermost thoughts. When is he ever enough?
But his tongue won’t cooperate. It won’t confess the hurricane in his head or name the skeletons piling up in his closet. It just takes and takes until she’s certain to leave him. That’s the only way he could keep her safe from him, after all.
Adna said she was going to go play early this morning and he watched her go, waiting until she was out of sight before he moved an inch. A single misstep might give him away. She’s too perceptive for her own good and he’s well aware of the fact. He hardly lifts his eyes from the ground in front of him as he walks through Loess now. A cactus snags on his hip and he hardly seems to notice the way it draws an angry red line across his skin. The shallow cut beads with blood but today he takes no pleasure from the sting.
He sees her nearby, red like passion and life. Vulgaris hesitates to go near her but his greed is too enormous not to. Each step is slow and calculated now as he comes closer, finally lifting his head to look at her now. Her sides have only just begun to swell and it brings him some small comfort to know they’ll have another baby come spring.
But there’s something different today. It is something familiar that throws gasoline onto the quiet embers of his rage until they consume him entirely. His lips lift to bare his gnashing teeth in disgust. Even with his hands drenched in sin, he has the audacity to indulge his vile temper.
“Where have you been, Leliana?” he asks, each syllable curling into a hiss saturated with fury. “Maybe you’d like to live there instead?” His head twists as he watches her, daring her to reply. Vulgaris keeps his distance so that he’s just out of reach from her.
His self-loathing chews a little harder now as it cripples him, poisons his every thought. If he hadn’t been so preoccupied with Shiya, she might have never gone. If only he loved her as she deserved then she might have stayed with him instead. All his fault, all his fault, he chants like meditation in his innermost thoughts. When is he ever enough?
But his tongue won’t cooperate. It won’t confess the hurricane in his head or name the skeletons piling up in his closet. It just takes and takes until she’s certain to leave him. That’s the only way he could keep her safe from him, after all.
" ancient language, speak through fingers. the awful edges where you end and i begin. "